No Lemons - No Teaspoons

Why do some restaurant severs put a slice of lemon on my glass of water? Are they trying to tell me that their water is unfit to drink without a squeeze of lemon? It’s not that I don’t like lemon; I just don’t like it in my water or tainting my water glass.

These same servers will bring you fried seafood without a lemon wedge. I do like lemon with fried seafood. I guess that I’m supposed to use the one that was placed on my glass of water, which I am now afraid to drink.

I recently asked a server why she put a slice of lemon on my glass of water. She told me that most customers like lemon with their water and that it is a waste of steps and time to go back and get a slice of lemon for them. I told her that could not drink the water because the lemon had tainted both the water and the glass. She had to walk back and get me another glass of water. Wasted time and wasted steps. She said I was in the minority of the dining public. “Everybody here wants lemon with their water”.

I think that this is a conspiracy by the Lemon growers to sell more lemons. They are in big competition with the Lime growers. As we all should know, limes are essential in many alcoholic beverages, such as a Gin and Tonic; whereas lemons are not. I’m told that limes also help to prevent scurvy. I’m not too sure about lemons having this medicinal value. I cannot recall anyone who drank beverages with lime ever getting scurvy.

Years ago, I asked my favorite waiter why he kept a teaspoon in his vest pocket. His explanation was that more teaspoons were knocked to floor than any other utensil on the dining table. He told me that he learned this from an efficiency expert, hired by his restaurant, to speed up the service process. Again, wasted time and wasted steps. It made sense to me.

On my next visit to the restaurant, I noticed that he had a piece of string hanging out of his fly in his Tux pants. I mentioned this to him. He said “yeah, I know”. It seems that the same efficiency expert noted that it took too much time for the waiters to wash their hands after using the restroom. Too much time away from their tables and their customers. He suggested that they tie a string on their penis so they could pull it out without using their fingers and therefore eliminate the necessity of washing their hands afterwards and get back on the Dining Room floor as soon as possible.

I pondered this for a moment, thinking that it was a really great idea. Then I asked “how do you get it back in your pants?” He just smiled and said “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the Teaspoon”.

The Beach Bum