Paying the Price for Gas

I read today that a 14 year old Florida boy has been suspended from riding the School Bus for three days. These suspensions usually arise from unruly behavior; such as fighting or throwing things at the other students.

Not in this case. The boy allegedly passed gas on the bus. Although he didn’t admit to the heinous act, he laughed about it (a possible admission of guilt). The other students on the bus (although they didn’t hear the fart) said that a noxious odor was emanating from his direction. I guess it was one of those silent but deadly farts.

The article went on to say that it was also a suspendible offence (in Florida) to pass gas in a class room. If you feel a fart coming on, you must raise your hand, be acknowledged but the instructor; then ask permission to be excused from the class and hustle to the nearest restroom.

When I was young I rarely had to pass gas in the daytime hours; it was usually an hour after supper. But if I did, it was one of those urgent farts. I wouldn’t have the time to raise my hand, let alone, wait to be called on. I just hoped that it wouldn’t be a loud highly embarrassing one.

Now that I am in my sixties practically everything that I eat or drink gives me intestinal gas. I’m an old fart machine. The urgency is still there and I usually do not have time to run to the bathroom, to let one go. I just sit there and grin. I don’t even try to blame it on the dogs.

When I was in the Army (stationed in Africa) I knew two guys that could pass gas at will. One of them would always say “pull my finger”. That was our cue to rapidly leave the room. The other guy could not only fart at any time that he desired, but could also belch at the same time. We considered this to be an art form. It’s a male thing.

My wife’s sister’s husband could also pass gas at any given time. This usually occurred during family gatherings and our poker games. He would do it with flair. He would stand up and raise one leg off of the floor, then let a big on go. I admired him for his ability to do so. I had tried the same thing but without any tangible results.

Guys have always been able to find humor in farts. Women, on the other hand, usually find them to be an obscenity.

I’ll bet any amount of money (with odds) that both the Bus Driver and School Principal were women. No sense of gastric humor.

The Beach Bum