A Gifted Student

On Friday I read an article in the Saint Petersburg Times about a local young lady named Jem Lugo. She just had graduated from High School and was the class valedictorian. She graduated with an un-weighted 3.98 grade-point average and is going on to Harvard University on a scholarship.

Not many students from this neck of the woods will ever be going to Harvard, let alone on a full scholarship. This is a gifted young lady.

Valedictorians must give a commencement speech at the graduation ceremony. The School Administrators had informed her several months before, that she was graduating at the top of her class; so she did some research on the internet. She read some former Valedictorian speeches (High School, as well as College) to get ideas and found them all to be blasé and unmoving. She wanted to say something that made a difference to her classmates.

She, of course, had to submit her commencement address to the “powers that be” prior to graduation. These powers rejected the speech as being too realistic and asked her to tone it down. This she did, out of deference to the ‘powers that be”. Not only was she a good student, she also respected the system.

I have read both the original and diluted versions. You should also! - click here

Back in my day, our speeches were not censored or even read by the teachers or administrators before they were given. My class Valedictorian was a girl named Marie. She sat directly in front of me in many of our classes (we were seated alphabetically – for what reason, I never understood). When taking a test she would move her head to the side so that I could see her paper. This was not to cheat, but to see if my answers were reasonably correct.

Marie was a real Plain Jane and she was considered to be a Wallflower (what we irreverently called a mouse). She never went to High School Football games or came out for Pizza with the gang. She was always at home or in the library studying. We were friends in the classroom, but not on a social level.

Her commencement speech was excellent. She quoted and/or paraphrased some of the lines in John F. Kennedy’s New Frontier speech (when he accepted the nomination for President in 1960).

“We can have faith in the future only if we have faith in ourselves.”

Marie's own words were also very stirring; this I never expected from her, as she was never outspoken about anything. I sat entranced and wondered why I had never gotten to know her better on a more personal level. She spoke powerful words; spoken by a seemly un-powerful (but extremely intelligent) person. A Dormouse!

Recently, I spoke to one of my former High School teachers. Both he and his wife, who also taught at the same high school, remembered Marie. They didn’t remember me, only my name, although I finished in the top 12% (64th - probably thanks to Marie, and the class Salutatorian Mikki who were my study partners in several of my classes) of my class of 532 students.

You always remember the number one (student or athlete), and sometimes forget about the others as the years pass.

I was a good, but not an exceptional student. Marie was exceptional, and her commencement exercise words still ring in my mind to this day.

I hope that Jem Lugo’s teachers and classmates will remember her commencement address also.


The Beach Bum

Shoot First - Ask Questions Later

I, like so many others, have been following the latest Somali Pirates episode. The media is bombarding us with the most current pirate attack. We hardly heard anything about the other 5 ships that they have commandeered during the past week or so.

Now it’s a different ballgame. This time the Somali pirates attacked a ship flying a United States flag with an American crew. As my Dad would have said “They really pulled a boner.”

For years the pirates have been seizing ships in the Gulf of Aden and holding them and their crews for ransom. Most of the pirates are militarily trained and have a good arsenal of weaponry. It’s not like the days of yore with just cannons and swords.

To prevent them from taking ships from the heavily traveled Gulf of Aden a joint naval task force was established in the Gulf and surrounding waters. This curtailed the piracy for a few months. Now the pirates have to go elsewhere to collect their booty. This is a more costly endeavor for them, therefore ransom amounts must increase.

Freighters and other ships have been avoiding the Somalia coastline and have ventured farther out into the Indian Ocean for this reason. Realizing this, the pirates have also gone farther offshore into the Indian Ocean.

Now here’s what I don’t understand about this entire situation!

I would assume that all of the captured ships had radar plus a GPS navigational system, and in most cases they are linked together. They also have a radio (VHF) of some kind which includes a Global Maritime Distress Safety System (GMDSS). Many sailboats and smoke pots on Lake Michigan are so equipped (it’s great to have these electronic devices if you are in the middle of the lake and caught in fog; listening to the fog horns emanating from one of the ore barges traversing the lake).

Small craft radar units and linking GPS units sell for $2000 or less. The radar has a range of about 24 nautical miles. I would imagine that the larger sea going ships have a much more sophisticated system. Or at least I hope they do. But let’s say they don’t.

Let’s assume that I am the Captain on a heavy laden freighter, 300 miles off shore, in the Indian Ocean, moving at approximately 12 nautical miles per hour. My low cost 24 mile radar/GPS system detects a ship coming at me doing about 36 knots per hour. There is a simple mathematical formula used to calculate how long it will be before I am overtaken by this ship. But I don’t need to use the formula because my GPS system informs me that I will be overtaken in roughly 48 minutes.

Being the astute Captain that I am, I assume that any ship traveling towards me at that speed, in pirate infested waters, must, in fact, be a pirate ship. Therefore I send out a distress signal. But there is no help available within 500 miles of my location. I now have only 45 minutes to plan my strategy. What to do, what to do, what to do?

I could pull a MacGuyver by making a few Molotov Cocktails to greet my attackers or heat up cooking oil to 500 degrees and dump it on them as the attempt to board my ship. I also have several rescue flares that could be used to ignite the flammable materials that I have just used to fend off my attackers.

But the pirates have threatened to sink the ship and kill my crew if I don’t comply with their demands. I’m no hero and I don’t want to risk the lives of my crew.

So let’s get back to reality and replay the scenario.

Now I have a 60 nautical mile radar system with a GPS interface. This system advises me that there is ship heading towards me at high speed. Again, I assume that it is a pirate ship. No warships in the vicinity will arrive before it overtakes my vessel. But now I have a lot more time before the pirates arrive. So I get on the horn (VHF).

I know that both the Ethiopian and Yemeni Air Force have bases within 400 miles of my position. I also know that both Air Forces have fully armed MIG aircraft capable of exceeding 600 knots per hour. Twenty minutes before the pirates reach my ship, they are blown out of the water. The country responsible for the kill would be handsomely rewarded for their effort. They have now become bounty hunters, so to speak.

At least this is my simple solution to the Somali Pirate problem.

The Beach Bum

Paying the Price for Gas

I read today that a 14 year old Florida boy has been suspended from riding the School Bus for three days. These suspensions usually arise from unruly behavior; such as fighting or throwing things at the other students.

Not in this case. The boy allegedly passed gas on the bus. Although he didn’t admit to the heinous act, he laughed about it (a possible admission of guilt). The other students on the bus (although they didn’t hear the fart) said that a noxious odor was emanating from his direction. I guess it was one of those silent but deadly farts.

The article went on to say that it was also a suspendible offence (in Florida) to pass gas in a class room. If you feel a fart coming on, you must raise your hand, be acknowledged but the instructor; then ask permission to be excused from the class and hustle to the nearest restroom.

When I was young I rarely had to pass gas in the daytime hours; it was usually an hour after supper. But if I did, it was one of those urgent farts. I wouldn’t have the time to raise my hand, let alone, wait to be called on. I just hoped that it wouldn’t be a loud highly embarrassing one.

Now that I am in my sixties practically everything that I eat or drink gives me intestinal gas. I’m an old fart machine. The urgency is still there and I usually do not have time to run to the bathroom, to let one go. I just sit there and grin. I don’t even try to blame it on the dogs.

When I was in the Army (stationed in Africa) I knew two guys that could pass gas at will. One of them would always say “pull my finger”. That was our cue to rapidly leave the room. The other guy could not only fart at any time that he desired, but could also belch at the same time. We considered this to be an art form. It’s a male thing.

My wife’s sister’s husband could also pass gas at any given time. This usually occurred during family gatherings and our poker games. He would do it with flair. He would stand up and raise one leg off of the floor, then let a big on go. I admired him for his ability to do so. I had tried the same thing but without any tangible results.

Guys have always been able to find humor in farts. Women, on the other hand, usually find them to be an obscenity.

I’ll bet any amount of money (with odds) that both the Bus Driver and School Principal were women. No sense of gastric humor.

The Beach Bum

Taking From the Poor and Giving to the Rich

I shouldn’t be complaining because I am currently living off of tax payer’s dollars. I draw a monthly Social Security check and my medical treatment and hospitalization is provided by the Veterans Administration. I do not work and therefore do not put any monies into the tax pool (except for Federal taxes on Tobacco and Alcohol).

I will say this for myself; I will not go on the Government dole until I reach 68.2 years old. This is accounting for a 6% benefit increase annually and the monies that I and my employers had paid into Social Security taxes (FICA).

I will also go on to say that during my last full year (1969) in the Army I earned $3719, whereas my civilian counterparts were earning three and a half, if not 4, times that amount per year. The civilians would argue that I got free room and board and medical care. This is true. I got a cot with a two inch thick mattress in a 14X16 foot room, in the barracks, shared with another GI. If I had been of a lesser rank, I would have been in a 32 man bay. The food that I rarely ate in the Mess Hall was free, but instead I paid for food outside of the Mess Hall, especially after I saw a local Pig Farmer picking up the leftovers. I guess that the pigs liked green beef liver.

However, I do feel a compulsion to complain when something truly appalling is in all of the online newspapers and the television newscasts 24 hours a day. There is story after story after story without any definitive answers.

Monday night, Steven Colbert said that it was time for us to pick up pitchforks and torches. Meaning it was time to go after the monster called AGI. At least that’s the way that I understood it.

AGI CEO Edward M. Liddy justifies the $165 million in bonuses, by saying that they were promised and that they were only going to “the brightest and the best” executives. Eleven of whom are no longer working for AGI. The best and brightest seemingly are like rats deserting a sinking ship; but they still want their full ration of Rum and Hardtack. It appears that the “brightest and the best” didn’t do that well in managing AGI. I say no more Rum!

Years ago my Dad told me that “promises were meant to be broken; just listen to any politician.” But CEO Liddy says that this promise should be kept so that AIG can keep “the brightest and the best”.

My solution is that our Government (since they – meaning the taxpayers - are now a major investor in AGI) should decide who, if anyone gets a bonus. If it were up to me, I’d scrub the entire executive staff and hire new people.

Maybe we can hire the Chimpanzees featured in the youtube video posted below. I'm sure that even they would do a better job and work for bananas and peanuts and not expect a Bonus.




The Beach Bum

She Looks Like a Butterfly but Stings Like a Bee

One of the headlines in yesterday’s St. Petersburg Times was “Prostitution Sting Nabs 10 in Clearwater.” The first thought that came into my mind was that they were cleaning up the streets before the Spring Breakers (Clearwater and Clearwater Beach are very popular Spring Break destinations) arrived. By running these sting operations it keeps the Hookers off of the streets for a while.

As I have stated before, I am for legalizing prostitution. I’m one of those people that believe that prostitution is a victimless crime (unless the prostitute has AIDS and doesn’t inform you of that fact). Obviously the City of Clearwater, Florida is also in favor of legalizing prostitution; just Google “Escort Services Clearwater Fl”. An Escort can cost as much as $400 per hour. Some even have a minimum of 3 hours.

There are also several (meaning more than 6) “Gentleman’s Clubs” in Clearwater; where you can get 4 to 5 minute semi-nude Lap Dances for about $25 to $35 a pop. If you are a high roller (5 lap dances plus extra tips), there is a good chance that you can set up a rendezvous for later that evening or the next day with your favorite dancer (future tip negotiated before services rendered). The guy says something like “What time do you get off tonight” or “What are you doing tomorrow” and then leaves his address or a hotel room number written on a cocktail napkin.

The girls that work for the escort services as well as the lap dancers are very attractive women. As a general rule, the girls that work the streets are, well, not quite that attractive. But they charge one hell of a lot less for services rendered. Seemingly there is nothing more appalling in the public eye than a cut-rate prostitute.

Last year there were several sting operations in Pinellas, Hillsboro and Hernando counties. The police go to areas that are known for having “Streetwalkers” and set up shop. They make it known (how, I don’t really know) to the real prostitutes that they will be working in that area for the weekend. So the real hookers stay home or work elsewhere.

Last fall a 6 day sting operation, in Hernando County, netted 16 guys looking for a little Nookie. One defendant’s Lawyer argued that it was entrapment, saying, that the officer dressed, sounded and acted like she was a prostitute. She walked up to his client, smiled and said Hi. She approached his client first, but he was the one to make the offer. If something looks, sounds and acts like a goat; it must therefore be a goat. Good argument, but faulty logic. But horny men do not act logically.

This past Sunday, there were 10 guys sitting in the Pinellas County Jail waiting for Monday’s arraignment. They were not so innocent victims of a victimless crime. I’ll bet that they were swearing off goats forever, or at least saving up their money for a Lap Dancer or an Escort.

The Beach Bum

Leave it to Granny

I recently read a story about a couple that lived about four miles from my daughter’s house (where I currently reside). The man is 21 years old, but the article did give the age of his wife.

The article stated that for the past six months, “He and his family (I assume that there is a child involved otherwise they would have written "he and his wife")” had been living in his wife’s grandmother’s home. He was arrested for cultivating Marijuana, after the grandmother called the Police about some “suspicious tomato plants growing in a large box” in her garage. She had gone to check the garage because her electric bills had been “significantly higher” during the past few months.

She must have really hated her grandson-in-law. Either that or she spent her life living in a plastic bubble. Even my Dad, who died in 2004 at the age of 89, knew what a marijuana plant looked like. Ok, let’s say she had bad vision. But why didn’t she go to her granddaughter and ask her why those lights were hanging over the plant box in the garage.

It was a short two paragraph article that could have been developed into a human interest story. But it wasn’t. Why? Because it was drug related.

When I read the short article the two questions that immediately lit up the light bulb in my shallow mind were; why were they living with the grandmother and why were they growing more pot than for personal use?

We are currently in a bad economy. Unemployment is soaring to mind staggering numbers and a great number of people are losing their homes.

Perhaps they were living with Grandma because they had lost their home and their jobs. And to supplement their income and to provide for their child; they grew and sold marijuana.

Who knows?

The staff reporters (no byline) didn’t write about the underlying causes, which they should have. But they like many others – they really don’t care, it’s just a job (and they still have their jobs). They just report the news as they (or their Editors) see fit. It’s all the news that is Print to Fit.

The Beach Bum

Right Man, Wrong Cabinet Position

How ironic it is that on the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, President elect Barack Obama has named retired General Eric Shinseki (who was as born in Hawaii to Japanese-American parents) to be the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs. Personally, I like this guy, because, at the cost of his job, he stood up against the Bush Administration’s policies in Iraq.

However, I don’t think that the Secretary of Veterans Affairs should be a former high ranking military officer. But if it must be a retired General or Admiral; Mister Obama made a good choice. General Shinseki is a Viet Nam Vet who led his troops in combat. He wasn’t a desk jockey officer.

But I feel that he would be better suited to be the Secretary of Defense. In his June 2003 retirement speech, Shinseki admonished those who display "mistrust and arrogance" in military leadership and warned against over-committing the Army.

But if I were the President elect the person that I would chose for the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, would be one who never rose above the rank of Lt. Colonel or Navy Commander. Preferably a Doctor who spent his/her enlistment time in a military or VA Hospital. Or perhaps a retired CPO, Gunny or Master Sergeant, that had spent time with his troops rather than performing administrative and command functions.

Although I don’t believe that General Shinseki is the right person for the job, I do believe that he will do an excellent job as Secretary of Veterans Affairs.

The Beach Bum

Never Give A Sucker an Even Break

In one of his movies, W. C. Fields said that his grandfather's last words, "just before they sprung the trap", were "You can't cheat an honest man; but never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."

Big Business and the United States Government (Strange Bedfellows) seem to be using this quote as their motto.

I consider myself to be an honest man and yet I’m being treated as sucker and a chump. My mistake was to trust our Government to make the right decisions. Therefore, I am a sucker and a chump.

But I’m not alone, over 90 percent of our population fall into the Sucker/Chump category. I like being in the majority, but this is one majority that bothers me. I don’t want to be in this majority, but I’m trapped and cannot find a way out.

My Dad always used a phrase about my spending habits; he said that “I was throwing good money after bad money”. Dad never said that to the “powers that be” in Washington. He should have!

Now the Big 3 Auto Makers are looking for a Federal Bailout Handout. Their CEO’s are even willing to reduce their pay to $1 per year.

Phooey! They (the CEO’s) just want their shares(those additional compensation words after their posted salaries) in their respective Companies to be worth more money or at least be worth something.

We are being told that we must invest in America. I have invested in America; I bought US Savings Bonds. As an honest man, I never looked to make a quick or an exceeding high profit on my investment.

Honest men, as a general rule, do not get conned by a con man.

But, obviously, they do get conned by their elected officials and their government. We are all suckers and chumps.

The Beach Bum

Gay Marriage - An Interesting Proposition

In the late 1970’s a very attractive young lady was one of the many part-time employees that I employed. She was attending Georgetown Law School. She was from Darien, Connecticut. She was svelte and highly intelligent; two of the three qualities that I seek in a woman. I never found out if she possessed the third quality.

Unfortunately we were both involved with the “loves of our life”. I was married with three children and she was living with her “soul mate”. She had met her soul mate while attending Smith College in Massachusetts; they were, on campus, roommates and lovers from their sophomore year until graduation. For those of you that may be unaware, Smith is a Women’s College.

After completing Georgetown Law she and her soul mate moved back to Connecticut. Her plans were to pass the Bar and work for her father’s Law Firm in NYC. I never kept in contact with her after she left my employ. Until yesterday, I hadn’t even thought about her once since she had moved back to Connecticut. I have even forgotten her surname.

Why yesterday?

I was reading an article in the New York Times about the first eight same sex marriages in Connecticut after the State Supreme Court lifted the ban on Gay Marriage. I immediately thought of Candace (Candy) and her soul mate. I wondered if they were still together as a couple and if they were contemplating marriage.

I have stated before that I was all for same sex marriages. Not that I am a Champion of Gay Rights; I don’t fight for any cause that doesn’t directly benefit me or my family’s wellbeing. On the other hand, Gay Marriage does affect the Economy, which indirectly affects all of us.

Twenty-Five years ago one of my Bartenders asked me why Gay males tipped so well. I facetiously said “they probably like your ass.” He became very self conscious (and started to wear baggy pants), so I then told him the real reason; they don’t have to pay for a big wedding or pay alimony and child support.

This brings us to California’s recently passed Proposition 8. California is currently in the Economic Trash Can.As far as I know they still haven't passed a budget. The Governator is saying that he needs to raise taxes, not to balance the budget but to keep the State from sinking deeper into the financial quagmire in which it is currently embroiled. Good luck Arnold!

What did Proposition 8 do for the California state economy; it pushed it deeper into the quagmire. Weddings generate a lot of income for the State as well as many small businesses. It also brings in out-of state people who will be spending money in that State instead of their home State. Plus the attorneys will eventually make out like bandits.

The bottom line is that Gay Marriage is good for the US Economy. And that’s why I’m for it.


The Beach Bum

Sticking to the Script

From Dana Bash of CNN:
“Some aides to Sen. John McCain say they weren't happy that running mate Sarah Palin went off script Sunday and turned attention back to the controversy over her wardrobe.”

The key words in the above statement are “went off script”.

Bravo, Sarah, Bravo! Saying what you are not supposed to say and doing what you are supposed to do, make you a real person. I like real people that don’t hide behind a façade.

But, Sarah, you must realize, by now, that honest politicians do not get elected; that is why your comments are well scripted by the political spin doctors. The higher up that you are on the political food chain the more you must lie to the public (well, maybe not in Alaska).

The American people expect their politicians to lie to them. The truth often hurts them. It’s better to be in a euphoric state of mind, with hope for the future, than in an abysmal state of mind with no optimism at all. That is human nature. Even pessimists, like me, always have a little hope in the back of their minds.

In most instances we do not believe the politician’s lies. But we want to believe. Because the lies make us feel better and give hope for our future. In this way politics is very much like religion. If I believe that God (this invisible man – living in the sky) is up there looking out for my well being, why shouldn’t I believe that the person that I voted for will also take an interest in my needs. After all isn’t that the reason that I cast my vote for him or her; it was to benefit me, my friends, associates and family. I’m not an altruist!

Unfortunately is just doesn’t work that way. Candidates are elected on what their staff scripts them to tell the voters. There is an excellent Robert Redford movie from the 1970’s called “The Candidate” concerning this subject. Also the “Making of the President” series by Theodore H. White is very informing about our political process of electing the President.

(And now for a Paid Announcement:
Both the aforementioned movie and books are available on Amazon.com, a link has been provided on the right sidebar, just scroll up to the top of the Blog).

The bottom line is that I like Sarah Palin for her candor and her humorous anecdotes. But she is not a true politician. That can be scary when you think that if she is elected as Vice-President, she is just a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

The Beach Bum

A Tale of Two Plumbers

Joe the Plumber is still in the news, I can’t believe it. Sarah Palin brought up his name in a CCN interview yesterday, saying that Joe basically called Barack Obama a socialist. I won’t go on about Palin’s comments because most were inane.

Joe The Plumber gained repute when he attended an Obama rally, in Ohio, a few weeks ago. He asked Senator Obama about the “Share the Wealth” plan that he is proposing, which would put a greater tax burden on those who were earning more that $250,000 per year. He said that he was planning to purchase the Plumbing Company for which he worked.

The McCain people jumped on this immediately. In the third Presidential Debate, John McCain brings his name up to show the plight of middle class people who are trying to achieve the American Dream. Joe then becomes an instant celebrity.

But with celebrity comes press coverage. The press discovers that neither he nor his boss has a Plumbing License. OOPS! A lot of good plumbers do not have licenses, but in most cases the person that they work for (a Master Plumber) does. Or at least someone in the company has a license and it is usually the owner.

That’s it for Joe the Plumber story.

I’ve known several plumbers in my lifetime. None of them even came even close to making $250,000 per annum. If they worked for a large company, the owner probably did.

Let’s talk about Mike the Plumber. Mike is a journeyman plumber here in Florida.

In 2005, his net paycheck was somewhere in the neighborhood of $2000 per week, not too shabby. But out of this net came the expenses of gasoline and parts. If he did 4 or 5 small jobs per day he could easily burn up a tank (22 gallons) of gas each day. He took all of the work that he could get, usually working a 6 day 60 hour week. He also did side jobs for friends at a minimal profit.

Mike and his wife wanted the American Dream. He wanted his Master Plumbers license, so that he could stop working for others that were paying him only 35% of the labor and service charge that he billed the customers. But he had little time to study for the exam.

He also wanted home ownership; he and his wife were tired of throwing their money away paying rent. Unfortunately what they wanted (in a home) was out of their price range in the county where he worked. So they purchased a house 60 miles away from the area where he did most of his work.

At the same time gas prices went from $1.97 to $2.47 per gallon. And then 3 months later it jumped to $2.79 per gallon. When he did the small jobs (mostly drain cleaning and leak stopping), his net after gas expense was now about $25 per job. Mike the Plumber was now making less than $1200 net per week. His wife took a part-time job so that they could just barely make ends meet. They also used credit cards to buy items for which they were accustomed to paying cash.

In 2007 when gas prices began to soar, Mike the Plumber found that he was doing the small jobs for no income, or even worse it would cost him money to do the job. At the same time the larger jobs began to dry up (people were not spending money on remodeling their bathrooms or replacing items that didn’t really need replacing). He was now making about $1500 less per month than what was required to sustain the payment of his bills.

Naturally he became despondent.

Mike the Plumber is now studying for his Master Plumber’s exam and hopes to have his license soon. He is also going to church, reading the Bible and praying, something that he hadn’t done since he was a child.

The Beach Bum

My Kind of Town, Chicago Is!

Wednesday night I read two unrelated articles in the online version of the Chicago Tribune that I would like to comment about.

The first was concerning the Cook County Sheriff, Tom Dart and the second was about Chicago Department of Sanitation workers.

Sheriff Tom Dart announced that he would no longer be evicting people from foreclosed homes. He cited the growing number of evictions that involve rent-paying tenants who suddenly learn their building is in foreclosure because the landlord neglected to pay the mortgage. He’s refusing to do any foreclosure-related evictions with the hope is that banks will change their policies. Good Luck!

Mr. Dart I applaud you for trying to ease the pain of the downtrodden masses. You have a good heart, sir.

But on the other hand I must condemn you. You sir, took an oath to uphold the law. This oath didn’t specify which statutes, no matter how repugnant you may find them, that you can bypass for the well being of others. You swore an oath when you took the job as Sheriff. If you can’t keep your promise in good conscious, then perhaps you should resign.

Besides swearing to tell the truth in court, I have taken one oath in my life:
"I, state your name, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."

I kept my promise.

The other story in the Tribune was about a report from investigators, who spied on garbage collection workers who were loafing for hours each day. The average slacking time was 2 hours per 8 hour shift. This means that 25% of their on the clock time was spent loafing. That 25% is probably below the average time that a City, State or Federal office worker spends slacking off each day.

But to keep the pressure off of themselves, they must put the pressure onto someone else. Who better to blame than the Garbage man. He’s not sitting at a desk (in an air conditioned or heated office) where he could hide his slack time and pretend to be working. He is out working in the elements, dealing with the putrid refuse of others.

For those of you who complain about the Garbage men loafing on the job, I suggest you trade places with him for one day.

The Beach Bum

You Deserve a Break Today

I am writing this Blog at the risk of offending/alienating several (4 to 6) friends and semi-regular readers (of this Blog) who live in Wisconsin.

Last week I read a news item about a man from Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin. The 54-year-old man, Don Gorske, says his obsessive-compulsive disorder drove him to eat 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years. That averages out to be about 1.75 Big Macs per day; he has eaten as many as 5 per day.

MacDonald’s Headquarters should be sending him a gift certificate to the local Hospital’s Cardiac Ward or at least a lifetime supply of Lipitor. Of the 540 calories in a Big Mac, 270 are from fat. Add to this an order of French Fries (who can eat a MacDonald’s burger without fries?) and you are looking at some serious cholesterol problems.

Not to mention, that being from Wisconsin, Don probably eats a lot of cheese. The only thing that is saving him from a multi-bypass surgery is probably the fact that he, more than likely, also drinks a lot of beer. I have great cholesterol numbers and I attribute this to my consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I don’t believe that Mr. Gorske suffers from an OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) as he has stated. Any food that has that much fat in it must taste good. And, as the sign on my cousin’s (The Admiral) refrigerator sez “If it tastes good, don’t eat it”.

I have been to Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin and unless it has drastically changed in the past 45 years, which I doubt, there is virtually nothing to do in this town except to go fishing on Lake Winnebago, eat cheese, drink beer, dine at the local MacDonalds or hang out at the A&W Root Beer stand.

I rarely eat MacDonald’s food. Not that I don't like the taste; my digestive system just can't handle it. During the past 5 years I have probably eaten 4 Double Cheeseburgers (a real tasty bargain at 99 cents), a Filet of Fish Sandwich and a few orders of French Fries (the greatest fast food fries available). I never liked Big Macs because they were just a shadow image of the Big Boy burger. Our local Big Boy (Tops) just outside of Chicago, in Berwyn, had Car Hops, MacDonalds didn’t.

The Beach Bum

Obama on Baseball

The other night on ESPN’s Sports Center they showed a taped interview with Presidential hopeful Barack Obama. The interview took place when Obama was campaigning in North Carolina last week.

I was half in the bag when it aired and was hoping that they would replay it again. I do recall that I didn’t like some of the comments that Barack made about my favorite Baseball Team; The Chicago Cubs.

Today I watched the interview again on ESPN.com. I also read the transcript of this interview. The interviewer was ESPN’s Stuart Scott.

When Scott asked Obama who he would root for if both the Cubs and their South Side rivals, the White Sox made it to the World Series. Obama replied, ““Oh, that's easy. White Sox. I'm not one of these fair weather fans. You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball. Southside.”

This is not out of the ordinary for a comment that is usually made by a Chicago White Sox fan. Sox fans constantly berate Cubs fans.

It is sour grapes!

C’mon Barack, “Fair weather fans”, my ass. Even in losing seasons the Cubs will pack the ballpark, while the Sox are lucky to get 70% of the ballpark filled during a winning season; and the Sox play predominately night games at home.

“You go to Wrigley Field; you have a beer, beautiful people up there.” What is he saying? Is it that they don’t have beer and beautiful people at US Cellular Field? The last time that I was at a Sox game (it was Comiskey Park at the time) I saw 4 beautiful people being escorted from their seats for overt intoxicated behavior. And let us not forget the “Disco Demolition” which caused the White Sox to forfeit the second game of a double header in the 1970’s.

Beer and baseball seem to go together like peas and carrots (or maybe, I should say like peanuts and Cracker Jack).

Then Barack sez “People aren't watching the game. It's not serious.” Sir, I beg to differ! All of the Cubs fans that I am acquainted with are avid baseball fans as well as Cubs fans. They can rattle off stats better than most commentators do. They know the standings in both Leagues and they watch games of other teams besides the Cubs.

Perhaps what Mister Obama is referring to is what he sees on the camera shots of the fans at Wrigley Field. He has obviously never been to Wrigley, so all that he knows is what he sees on television (a common thing for people in his age group).

I have a friend that has had season tickets at Wrigley for more than 30 years. He told me that he sells more than half of them to Barack’s “beautiful people”. Cub’s tickets have a great resale value and for the past ten years he has made a profit over what he paid for the season tickets plus what has spent on the games that he attended.

I want to hear any White Sox fan say that!

The Beach Bum

A Field of Broken Dreams

I read a story in today’s online version of the Chicago Tribune that raised my ire. The story was about Little League Baseball in New Haven, Connecticut. I'd passed through New Haven in the 1960's and wasn't impressed (except for the buildings on the Yale campus).

There is this 9 year old little leaguer who has been barred from pitching in this league of 8 teams.

The first thought that comes to mind is that this kid has been hitting a lot of batters. But that is not the case. He’s just too good for the rest of the league.

They told him that he could still play in the league, but he just couldn’t pitch in the league. He possesses a 40 MPH Fastball with very good control. This is seemingly an unfair advantage to the other teams in the league. One team forfeited the game when they saw him on the mound.

However, the kid’s coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrators.

The league administrators want the team to disband and the players be absorbed by the remaining 7 teams.

This reminds me of the Bad News Bears movie. My God, this is Little League Baseball not the World Series. The game should be played for the sake of the game, for the children involved in the game and not for the Parents or Sponsors.

The boy’s mom said "The whole objective in life is to find something you're good at and stick with it. I'd rather he spend all his time on the baseball field than idolizing someone standing on the street corner."

The other team managers and the league administrators are trying to prevent this from happening. And this is the real shame.

The Beach Bum

Once You Get Past The Smell

My Brother-in-Law John watches many hours of news each day on television. The other day, as I was passing through the sunroom, he tells me that they have captured a Bigfoot. Therefore I go to the WWW to see what this is all about.

The story that I read said that some guys in Georgia bagged a Bigfoot and were keeping in a freezer. There weren’t too many details.

I immediately conjured up, in my mind, the following scenario. Two good ole boys were walking in the woods with their hunting dogs and shotguns when they see what appears to be a bear. The dogs are going ballistic, shotguns are raised, and the bear is shot and falls to the ground. Clem and Rufus then discover that “this ain’t no bear”. “What the hell is that thang?” sez Clem. Rufus sez “I don’t rightly know, let’s take it home and put it in the freezer.”

When I just stationed in Africa I had a roommate named Jack Lapseritis. Jack was very intelligent but a little off center in his thinking. He planned to stay at Kagnew Station until his discharge and then go on to the Seychelles Islands in the Indian Ocean to Scuba.
And then on to the Himalayas to search for a Yeti.

About 7 years ago I Googled Jack’s name (I was trying to find him to invite him to one of our reunions) and was not shocked at the results. Jack had written a book named The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection. He tours the country giving lectures about the existence of Bigfoot, saying that they were brought to Earth by Aliens.

Jack was even on the “Howard Stern Show” where he admitted to having sex with one of these creatures (he said that she stank, but was a pretty good lay - this reminded me of the old line "once you get past the smell"). Howard and Crew were going nuts with laughter at this point in the show.

Jack now calls himself Kewaunee, the name that the Sasquatch gave him (probably using the Vulcan Mind Meld).

I’m sure that Kewaunee is now on his way to Georgia to see if this is one of his old buddies. Good Luck, Jack.

The Beach Bum

More Bad Economic News

I have been attempting to refrain from reading stories about our failing economy. I look at the headlines and that is as far as I go. I’ve been doing fairly well in just sticking with reading the sport page, the comics and doing the puzzles.

Now I am being attacked on another front; my email. Last week I received 3 emails (plus their follow up RE: messages) concerning the economic downturn.

The first came from a friend that lives in the Washington D.C. area. It consisted of several links to news articles about our economy. I thanked him and replied “Just what I needed to read”. I’m sure that he detected my sarcasm.

The second was from an old Army buddy that resides in Florida. It was about foreclosures and that they are up 121% (more than double) from a year ago. He did a bit research and found that Lee County (Fort Myers – Cape Coral) led the pack in Florida foreclosures with one out of 79 properties going into foreclosure during the past year. His source was RealtyTrac.com.

I did a little research of my own and found that there were more than 150 properties in the greater Fort Myers area for sale between $75, 000 and $100,000. Many of them were short sale (read about Short Sales here) properties subject to the lenders approval. There were also many pending foreclosures that will hopefully be avoided if President Bush signs the Housing bill passed by the House and Senate earlier this week.

Last, but not lease, was an email from a former co-worker. It concerned restaurant closings in Florida, particularly in the Tampa Bay area. We had been talking about this subject, on the phone, just three weeks ago when he told me that business was substantially down at my former place of employment. In 2000 we had more sales on Friday and Saturday nights alone than it now does for the entire week.

Many small restaurant businesses that have been marginal for the past few years are closing. Plus, now some of the chains are closing down their less profitable units. More unemployment for people that work in the service industry is on the horizon.

As I have said in the past, the hospitality industry contributes more to the economy than it is given credit. This is bad news for all of us.

The Beach Bum

Private Dancers

Last week there was an article in the Tampa Tribune about people tightening their belts in the wake of the slumping economy and rising gas prices. What a revelation! It seems that there are more and more stories about gas prices and our ailing economy. I guess that it is for real and not just my imagination.

The interesting thing about this article was that it covered a sector of the local Tampa economy that is usually not written about in the sense that it is an integral part of the local economy. Yes, they were writing about the Adult Entertainment Industry. In particular, the Strip Clubs in Tampa.

The staff writer interviewed several dancers and club managers. The bottom line is that business is worse than it has ever been. The businessmen (suits) rarely come in to the clubs during the afternoons as they had in the past. These were the best spenders and tippers. Night-time business has also dropped off significantly. The Clubs are still making money but the dancers who work for free (or even kick back to the Club) are no longer making the money that they did a year ago.

Two of the dancers that were interviewed (surprisingly they allowed the paper to print their full names – dancers usually work under an alias) both said the same thing; it’s not like the good old days when they were making more than $2000 per week. They both are now dancing more hours for less money.

The one dancer had just returned to the business after taking a few years off to attend school (in hopes of getting out of the business and getting a Real Job – “you can’t dance forever”). She found that even with the bad times she was making more money than she would be making working a 40 hour a week job. She couldn’t live off of what a Real Job paid.

This is a form of becoming institutionalized.

In the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, I had several servers and bartenders that were still attending college. They worked 3 to 4 night per week during the school year and up to 5 nights a week during the summer break. When they graduated I would throw a farewell party for them. However most of them returned after a few months out in the Real World. Some decided to go back to college to seek an advanced degree and once again became 3 to 4 nights a week employees. Others just worked on the weekends to supplement their income.

At one point in 1983 or 1984 the average education level of my servers was 14.7 years and bartenders were higher than that (my weekend service bartender had his Masters Degree and was teaching High School).


The most classic institutionalization story that I tell is about a girl that I will call Laurie (because that is her name). She was a Legacy! Both her older brother and sister had worked for me in the past.

Laurie began working for me when she was 16 years old as a bus person (we called them busboys and busgirls back then). When she was 17 years old she went off to college but still worked for me on the weekends. At 18 she became a server; one of my best. At 19 she began working 4 nights per week and was still making the Dean’s List at the University of Maryland.

By the time she was twenty she had a new car and was living off campus with a roommate. She graduated at 21 and started to look for a job, most entry level positions were paying a lot less than she was making working 26-28 hours a week waiting tables. She now had a car payment plus rent and couldn’t afford to take that deep of a cut in net income.

Laurie wanted to become a bartender and she asked me if I would teach her how to bartend. I agree but told her that I did not foresee a bar tending position opening in the near future. After I thought that she was sufficiently trained, I call a friend who was the head bartender at a College bar within waking distance of the University of Maryland. He told me to send her in and he would see what he could do. She started work 3 days later. This was in the summer and the tips were not as good as she was making as a server, but she made enough to get by.

When she was 22 years old she went back to school part-time and at 26 she had her Masters Degree. She again tested the job market and found that the disparity in net income was even greater than before. That same year she married, my friend, the Bar Manager. They had a net combined weekly income nearing $2500 (1986). Two years later they bought a bar not far from where they had worked.

After four years of just squeaking by they sold the bar. Her husband went to work in a Southwest D.C. restaurant and nightclub making close to $2000 in tips for three days of work. Laurie applied to Law school and was accepted. She passed the Bar Exam on her first attempt. She was now 36 years old and after 20 years she finally got out of the business and took a Real Job.

The Beach Bum

Apple Pie Vs Boobs

Many years ago my High School Civics teacher wrote a quote on the chalkboard. He told us to write it in our notebooks and to never forget it. He attributed the quote to Francois Marie Arouet. Arouet was a French writer, essayist and philosopher better know by his pen name Voltaire.

The quote is “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Voltaire strongly believed in civil liberties and is often quoted on this subject. At a college level you will find that Voltaire never wrote this exact quote, but other quotes that were similar.

The framers of the United States Constitution must have had this quote in mind when they wrote the First Amendment to the Constitution. As they were, I too am a firm believer in our First Amendment rights.

There is a Law Firm here in Florida that specializes in Freedom of Speech cases: Weston, Garrou, Walters and Mooney.

Lawrence Walters is currently working on a case concerning internet pornography. The operator of the pornographic Web Site is being charged with obscenity.

There are probably many other such cases on this subject currently in our court systems. What makes this case unique is Attorney Walters’ approach to the defense of his client. He is using “Google Trends” as part of his defense. Walters is arguing that "the evidence is sufficient to demonstrate that interest in the sexual subjects exceeds that of more mainstream topics — and that by extension, the sexual material distributed by his client is not outside the norm."

He is using the Google Trends search terms surfing, apple pie, orgy and boobs. Boobs are a clear cut winner except during the Holiday season when Apple Pie soars above Boobs. I went to check it out but instead of boobs and orgy, I use tits and pussy. The results show a greater disparity between the wholesome and obscene searches. Pussy even beat out Apple Pie during the Holiday Season. I guess that more men are searching for pussy because their wives or girlfriends are busy baking apple pies.

This morning I did a little research on this Blog using my Stat Counter. The two most popular entry pages to The Beach Bum Report are one (from December 2006) that is titled Haulover Beach and a Blog that I wrote this past January titled Velvet Underground.

The search terms used to reach the Haulover Beach Blog vary but they all have the words Haulover Beach in them. On the other hand all of the visitors that go to the VU Blog come from a Google image search for hookers (I posted a picture on that Blog titled hookers.jpg).

Perhaps I should write a Blog about Surfing and Apple Pie just to see how popular they are to people that search on Google.

In the meantime, a tip of my hat goes out to Lawrence Walters; who may not approve of what I say, but he will defend my right to say it.

The Beach Bum

Roll Out The Barrel (of Oil)

Senator John Warner (R-VA) suggested last Thursday that Congress might want to consider re-imposing a national speed limit to save gasoline and possibly ease fuel prices. He cites studies from the 1974 lowering of the national speed limit to 55 MPH.

Wake up Senator Warner, or are you still daydreaming about being married to Elizabeth Taylor. Or perhaps you are falling asleep during your briefings, as Ronald Reagan did during Cabinet Meetings.

It’s not that I think that lowering the speed limit back down to 55 MPH is a bad idea; it’s a great idea that would probably save many lives per year. But Senator Warner’s reasoning is askew. Less gas usage will not bring lower prices at the pump. Yes, it will save most consumers money, but it will not lower prices.

Let’s look at the Gas Crisis of 1973-74.

It started when the Arab oil producing countries decided not to sell their oil to any country that supported Israel. Pure and simple extortion!

At that time, US Petroleum Company’s were buying a good portion of the oil that they refined from the Arabs and stockpiling the oil that was produced nationally. The Congress, in its infinite wisdom, decided that the stockpiled oil could not be sold at a price higher than what it was worth at the time the crisis began. Only newly drilled oil could be sold at a higher price.

Here’s what happened.

Our Oil Companies caused an artificial shortage, by withholding their stockpiles, to make more profits, subsequently lowering the Supply to fall under the Demand. Therefore prices rose as supplies fell and caused long lines at gas stations.

This time (2006-2008) it is not a Supply and Demand issue. You can save the wasting of Gas all you want, but these prices are not going down because of oil conservation. I am not saying that conservation is a bad idea; I believe that we should all conserve our finite resources and leave some for our grandchildren.

Is there a solution? The G-8 is meeting in Japan to decide what steps to take to curb the rising cost of oil, among other things. I read that they had a great dinner last night (they are 11 hours ahead of EDT). I wonder what they will have for breakfast in a few hours.

The solution should be simple. Except for oil the Arabs have very few natural resources and very little agricultural products. All the countries that supply them with imports should raise the prices on these items by a factor of ten and promise to lower them down to a more reasonable rate when the price of oil drops. If that doesn’t work raise the prices again. Pure and simple counter-extortion!

The Beach Bum