Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Same Old Song

Have you ever had a song or music that keeps running through your mind? I do and this happens to me about five or six times a year and it will take a few days to wash it out of my cranial cavity. In the meantime it literally drives me to the point of insanity.

Sometimes it is a song that I really enjoyed and at other times it’s a song I couldn’t stand. I find that I have very little control over which songs will pop into my head. A good one or a bad one, I have no choice.

In either case it is extremely hard for me to concentrate on other things while I am hearing this music bouncing throughout my brain.

Occasionally, I’ll find that I am singing along or just humming the tune. Just as I do at Christmas Time when all the stores are playing carols as background music. Usually I can’t wait to get out of those stores and back to a semblance of sanity.

I was sitting on the throne this morning when from out of nowhere I start humming Barry Manilow’s “Copacabana”. First the music enters my mind, and then the lyrics begin to come into my head. All day I’ve been hearing “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there.”

I was not particularly fond of this song and I know no worldly reason why I can remember all the words. “His name was Rico, he wore a diamond, He was escorted to his chair, and he saw Lola dancing there.” ……” they fell in love.”…. “At the Copa, Copacabana”.

This is truly maddening; hearing the same old song rattle through my brain. At this point the options are to 1) watch television or 2) play some tunes on the stereo. So I opted to listen to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.

What have I done? Now I hearing and singing along with Pink Floyd… “We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teacher, leave those kids alone. Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone! All in all it’s just another brick in the wall. All in all you’re just another brick in the wall.”

At least it’s a song that I enjoyed hearing.

The Beach Bum


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Disorder in the Court

One of my all-time favorite quotes is “The police are not here to create disorder; they're here to preserve disorder”, Mayor Richard J. Daley - 1968.

The quote was made in reference to the street riots in Chicago during the 1968 Democratic National Convention.

At that time, I was in the Army and stationed in Africa, but my Mom would send me newspaper clippings at least once a week. Including all of Mike Royko’s (Chicago Daily News) columns concerning Chicago politics. Mike slammed the “Mare” on a regular basis. Royko’s book “Boss –Richard J. Daley of Chicago” has always been one of my favorites. I have re-read it many times.

Today I visited one of my favorite sites – I am an avid reader of obscure humorous books. Today I found a new one. ( Please note that there is a link to Amazon on the right column of this page.)

“Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History” by Charles M. Sevilla.

If you go to Disorder in the Court and click on the book cover it will take you to a page about the book. Next click on Surprise Me and you will get random quotes from the book.

Some of my favorites come from the banter between Doctors and Lawyers:

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

And saving the best for last –

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I ordered the hardback edition (used) today for under $8 including shipping. Mike Royko’s “Boss” is also available on Amazon.

The Beach Bum



When I was young I was a collector of things. I collected Baseball Cards (Tops), Indian Head Pennies, Comic Books and US Postage Stamps.

The crown jewel of my stamp collection was a mint 2 cent Yorktown Commemorative (issued in 1931) and was purchased at Marshall Fields in downtown Chicago. Being stupid at the time, I put a hinge on the back of the stamp.

I read today that the USPS is attempting to raise the cost of a first class stamp to 42 cents. The Postmaster General cites the rising cost of gasoline (“each penny increase in the price of a gallon of gasoline costs the post office $8 million”) as well as the fact that many people are using email rather than snail mail. However advertising mail is compensating for this loss of revenues.

The USPS also wants to create a “Forever Stamp”.

“A key part of the plan is the forever stamp, which would allow consumers to hedge against future rate increases.” I read this as the USPS is hoping for a stamp buying frenzy every time that they announce postal rate increase.

With the issue of this stamp, I can foresee annual postage increases. Why? To sell more stamps in advance and to make people think that they are getting a good deal in the process. Someone within the postal bureaucracy is finally using their head for “something more than a hat rack”. It’s probably the same person from the US Mint who came up with new Presidential dollar coins.

I have a large amount of un-used stamps that I keep in a little box on top of my dresser. I am no longer a collector of stamps. They are there because I didn’t purchase the 2 and 3 cents stamps after past postal rate increases.

I no longer use many stamps, probably less than 30 stamps per year. I pay my bills online and communicate with my friends via email. The Stamps that I buy are always commemoratives, especially the “Legends of Hollywood” series or any stamp that honors the US military. This way I can feel that I am making a statement to the people who are receiving my mailings.

The Beach Bum


Sunday, February 25, 2007

Duty, Honor, Country.

The Congressional Medal of Honor is the highest award that a person serving in our Military can receive. Most unfortunately, many that have received this honor have received it posthumously.

I read today, that President Bush will be bestowing the “Medal of Honor”, on Monday, to a Viet Nam Vet named Bruce P. Crandall Bruce is now 74 years old and is happy that he has not received this honor posthumously.

I spent 4 years of my life in the US Army during the Viet Nam War. I was no hero! In fact, I was the anti-hero (antagonist) in a chapter of a major 2005 non-fiction book about the small African country of Eritrea. All that was written about me in this book is true; therefore, I have no complaints. I have no regrets either!

I can recall a speech given by General Douglas MacArthur in 1960’s that mentioned; Duty, Honor, Country. These are important words which we should live by! It is too easy for us to forget the past and not honor those that have served our country well. Those that have given their lives to defend our well being.

I'm also reminded of the Shakespeare quote from Henry V. "We few, we happy few, we band of brothers"...."For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother". I am one of those "band of brothers" although I have never shed any blood while serving my country. I retain the common bonds with those that I have served with while in the military.

There are more than 200 Viet Nam War Vets that have received the Medal of Honor (contrary to popular belief; Forrest Gump/Tom Hanks is not one of them).

I was one of the fortunate individuals that served in the military in the mid and late 1960’s and did not to go to Viet Nam. I had High School friends that had died in Viet Nam. To my way of thinking this was for no perceptible reason. Some of them may have been heroes, I don’t really know. I don’t enjoy talking or thinking about dead friends.

Tomorrow when I see Mr. Crandall on the newscast, I will rise and give him a snappy salute, which he truly deserves. But I’ll be thinking of all the men and women who currently serve or have served our country in the military. I am sure that Bruce Crandall is thinking about them too.

The Beach Bum


Saturday, February 24, 2007


Today I saw what I believed to be a small dog swimming in the Boca Ciega Bay behind my apartment complex. There is a pet friendly motel next door and dogs will often swim in the Bay.

My neighbor, who has better vision than I, informed me that it was not a dog. It was a rat. I responded with “you’re kidding me”!

I have lived on Treasure Island for 9 years and have never seen a rat. At least not one of the non-human variety. We have a lot of homeless cats and this tends to keep the rodent population down to the bare minimum.

My neighbor went on to explain that they were coming from an old grocery store, which is being razed, two blocks north of us.

I don’t like to be near gnawing animals. This includes mice, rats, squirrels and gerbils. This probably goes back to my childhood days when I was bitten by both a squirrel and a friend’s pet gerbil. Both of them drew blood and my Mom took me to the Doctor to get a shot (probably anti-tetanus). I’m not particularly fond of needles being stuck into to me either. But this is not one of my phobias.

The fear of rodents is called Musophobia. This phobia has not been ranked very high on my list of Phobias; mainly because there are not too many rodents living in the Florida Barrier Islands on the Gulf of Mexico. I’ll have to re-think this phobia’s ranking on my list of phobias.

Now back to the swimming rat. I can’t help but to wonder where he was going? Does he have friends in the neighborhood? Are they all lurking in my dumpster at night? Will they attack me when I take out the trash?

This is a lot for an idle mind to ponder.

The Beach Bum


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Pain in my Heart

My son left early this morning on a thousand mile journey from Florida to Maryland. He is driving, which scares me. I suffer from both Hodophobia and Amaxophobia. Although I have also been diagnosed with Pteromerhanophobia, I prefer flying to driving.

Actually, I do not have fear of flying. I have a fear of crashing and burning to death in an aircraft. But I don’t believe that they have a name for this particular sub phobia. They just group it as Pteromerhanophobia.

As I write this Blog, my son is somewhere on I-95 in North Carolina. He’ll being spending the night with a friend in Yorktown, Virginia before returning to Maryland tomorrow.

My son has lived with me for the past 6 months. His son, my grandson, also lived with me until three weeks ago, when his mother took him back to Maryland.

My son is a better father that I ever was. This is very hard to admit, but I must.

Although we had constant arguments, I believe that my son and I had finally bonded during the past 6 months.

According to the “Learned Doctors”, because of my bad habits, I am dying and “Banging the Drum Slowly”.

I live my life from day to day!

I fear that in my lifetime I will never see my son or grandson again. That would be a shame. A tragedy!

This is a very hollow feeling; it makes tears well up in my eyes!

Right now I listening to Otis Redding – “Pain in my Heart” but thinking of my son instead of a former lover.

The Beach Bum


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Divine Inspiration

Many years ago one of my professors asked me a question; I just sat there for a minute, staring into space, pondering my answer. I guess that I had pondered the question too long because the professor then asked me if I was waiting for a “divine inspiration”. The Prof then moved on to another student with his question, leaving me looking like the idiot that I was.

Since that day, I have realized that there are no such things as divine inspirations. You either know the answer to the question or you do not have a clue. It’s not a bad thing to say “I don’t know”.

Today, I was asked a question, by a friend, which I could not answer. Instead of staring into space and waiting for the “divine inspiration”, I quickly answered “I don’t know”.

This is a very hard thing for me to do, as I pride myself on my vast knowledge on a great variety of subjects and my recall capability. I read a lot and have the ability to retain most of what I have read.

Some will say that I am a bit arrogant concerning my sagacity; saying that I am a Mr. Knows It All. But these same people still come to me for answers to their questions.

The asked question was about nothing important, but, none the less, a poignant question. Very unusually, I had no answer to this question and of course I didn’t wait for the “divine inspiration”.

I Googled the question late this afternoon and read all that I could about the subject. Now I can give my friend a informed answer.

The bottom line is that there is a wealth of knowledge available on the internet and on Blogs. I learned a lot about a subject that I had never would have thought about in the past. It was a friend’s question that took me there. It’s all part of the learning process.

If someone ever asks me the same question, I will not be waiting for the divine inspiration!

The Beach Bum


Monday, February 19, 2007

Winter Wonderland

It’s freezing outside and there is two feet of snow on the ground. You are bored and there is nothing worth watching on television. So what do you do?

The residents of Bismarck, North Dakota have found the solution to these winter doldrums. Snow Angels!

For those of you that have never lived in an area that gets snow, I will now describe the “snow angel”.
To create a snow angel you must lie down in the snow and move your arms up and down in the snow. However, you must be careful not to lie down in the yellow snow.

The city of Bismarck entered the Guinness Book of Records in 2002 when 1,791 people made snow angels on the state Capitol’s grounds.

Much to the chagrin of the citizens of Bismarck, students at Michigan Technological University beat their record by making 3,784 snow angels.

Bismarck residents decided that they wanted to get back into the record book. The curator of education for the State Historical Society of North Dakota said 8,910 people registered for last Saturday's attempt to break the record. It’s not official but I think that they'll have the new Snow Angel record.

Will the making of snow angels become the latest wintertime fad? I don't know, but sometimes we just need something that will take away the winter weather ennui.

There hasn’t been any snow here on Treasure Island; therefore, we have no shot at the “snow angel” record. Maybe we can try for the “sand angel” record, if there is one. I can just imagine 5000 or more people flapping their arms and legs on the beach and making sand angels. For me, stretching out in the sand would be a lot more pleasant then stretching out in the snow.

The Beach Bum


Sunday, February 18, 2007


In a recent phone conversation, the name of Doug Tracht, a Radio shock DJ, better known to his listeners by his nom de plume; The Grease Man, had been mentioned.

Unless you have lived in the Washington, DC area during the last 2 plus decades you will not know “The Grease”.

He replaced Howard Stern on DC’s leading rock radio station, DC101 in the summer of 1982. Stern was fired by the station. It was probably this best thing that could ever to happen to Stern’s career.

I had listened to both Stern and Tracht on DC101 in the 1980.s, but I preferred Tracht. They differed in style in their “shock jocking” the listeners. Tracht was a better story teller and would use a made up vocabulary for words that you couldn’t use “on the air”. Very similar to what W. C. Fields did in his movies. The implications were there.

Through innuendo, you understood what Tracht was talking about.

Tracht’s downfall at DC101 was his tendency to use racial slurs. For the inaugural Martin Luther King Day (1986) he stated on air ‘Kill four more and we can take a whole week off.’ Of course, this quote is taken out of context. His intention was to say that Federal Government Employees just look for another holiday Monday. He apologized to the Black Community, saying that it was just meant to be a joke. He received a week suspension without pay for this Faux Pas.

Doug had never learned a lesson from his past experiences. He did it again in 1999 after playing a Lauryn Hill song, (as a reference to the quality of her music) he said "And they wonder why we drag them behind trucks.” (This was a comment about the murder of James Byrd in Texas). This time Doug was fired.

I do not believe, as some do, that Doug is a racist. He’s just not too selective about his humor and what comes out of his mouth while he’s on the air.

He’s now back on AM Radio in DC.

I’ve spent a few hours this afternoon listening to some his old stuff on . Check out the Bit Vault on this site. There are some very funny bits in these archives.

The Beach Bum


Saturday, February 17, 2007

In Dreams

Three or four times a year I visit the website. They usually have some marvelous lists on their site. Today was no exception.

I just had to check out the 14 Most Expensive Private Islands.
I’ve always wanted my own Private Island.

Especially after watching the movie “South Pacific”; this would become my ultimate daydream. "Here am I, your special island, Come to me, Come to me."

As a teen I aspired to become wealthy enough to make my dream come true. But as life goes on, things got in my way. At first it was my four years in the US Army Security Agency. Then it was followed by my marriage and the birth of my children.
Throughout all of this time the dream of my “special island” stayed with me. I’ve always wanted to live on an Island, as it was my childhood dream.

In the late 1970’s, I was still daydreaming about living on some Island. But, by this time the island had move from the Pacific Ocean to the Caribbean Sea. I had even designed a hexagonal dwelling to be built on my dream island. I still have the original drawings. I gave up looking at them 15 years ago.

Today I found the perfect Island. It is called Leaf Cay 2 and is located in the Exuma chain of islands in the lower Bahamas, not far from Staniel Cay where they did a lot of the underwater scenes for the James Bond movie Thunderball. The island has several dwellings as well as a 1,500 ft. airstrip, underground wiring and desalination facility.

Forbes lists it at $19,000,000 but the agent says that the asking price has been reduced to a mere $17,800,000. This is a real bargain.
Now if I can only get 25,000,000 people to send me just $1, I would be able to buy and die on this Island in Paradise.

This will be my new hopeless project.

The Beach Bum


Friday, February 16, 2007

Dollars and Sense

The US Mint has issued a new worthless coin. Why? Because many coin collectors will hoard them and keep them out of circulation. Some money supply theorists say that this is good for our economy.

This new coin is a $1 coin featuring our first President. The mint is promoting this coin saying “Buy George”. This coin will be slightly larger and thicker than a quarter.

What happened to the good old days when the dollar coin was a large coin? I would imagine that it’s because a dollar was actually worth something back then and the Silver Dollar was not just another worthless coin.

The last two one dollar coins have been failures. First there was the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin first issued in 1979. By some it was nicknamed the “Suzie Slut”.

The second one dollar coin was issued in 2000 and like the “Buy George” coin, it was gold clad. It featured a famous Native American, Sacagawea, on the front of the coin and the American eagle on the back side. It was nicknamed the “Bird Woman” coin or as I called it the “For the Birds” coin.

I have several of these coins. They are worthless to me, I keep them in a little coin box, so I don’t mistake them for quarters when I have been imbibing intoxicating beverages.

The mint plans to release four coins per year through 2016, each with a different President’s (in order of their Presidency) likeness. The initial issue of the George Washington Dollar is 300 million. The hoarding of the State Quarters went so well, why not up the ante to a buck.

I may be wrong, but I believe that a President must be dead for at least two years before he appears on a stamp or piece of US currency. And unless they issue two separate Grover Cleveland coins, this means that George H. W. Bush must die in 2014. The Bush family must be getting a little nervous about this situation.

Let’s take this game one step further.

Why not issue a commemorative Five Dollar coin once a year, featuring some of our notable politicians who never became President. This coin would be copper clad and slightly larger and thicker than a nickel. This way no one would mistake it for a nickel or a penny with the exception of foreign visitors. Foreign visitors already hate our currency because it is not color coded, as theirs is. Let’s take advantage of them by giving them these coins in their change. This way they will tip service employees better without really realizing what they have done.

This $5 coin will be similar to Baseball trading cards when I was a kid. "I’ll trade you one Wendell Wilke for 4 George Washington’s."

The Beach Bum


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Life and Death

A fellow blogger recently had a colonoscopy. One of the polyps that were removed was cancerous. It’s a frightening thought.

I do the colonoscopy thing every 2 years. Fortunately all of the polyps that have been removed from me were benign.

In 1999 I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis and had a second attack in 2000. Apparently I hadn’t learned my lesson from the first attack and continued to eat food that tasted good, but was bad for my intestines.

I also suffer from a hiatal hernia which was first discover in 1991 when I thought I was having a heart attack and was rushed to the emergency room. Fortunately the ECG was negative; cardiovascular problems are prominent in my family’s medical history, therefore I was concerned. Of course, most of them lived well into their 80’s and I was only in my late 40’s at that time.

In 2004, the learned Doctors at the Bay Pines VA Hospital in St. Petersburg gave me 2 years to live if I didn’t immediately cease my bad habits. Too much Caffeine, Nicotine and Alcohol would lead to my premature demise. I was damaging my vital organs.

I compromised; I now drink only Decaffeinated Coffee. This and the dietary restrictions that I have because of my gastrointestinal problems will supposedly prolong my life. If I would rid myself of my other bad habits, I could possibly make it to my 70’s.

Some people already call me a “miserable old man”. Take away my alcohol and nicotine and you’ll really see the meaning of miserable.

I forgot to mention that I have COPD, Varicose Veins and possibly PAD. The VA Hospital is very touchy about diagnosing these ailments. Especially if they are related to one’s time spent in the military.

My sister, whom I call Saint Suzanne, is a Trudeau follower. Not Gary, the creator of Doonesbury, but the author Kevin Trudeau “Natural Cures”.

I don’t like anyone that has an info-commercial on late night television and wouldn’t buy any of their products. However St. Suzie does.

Through Trudeau’s books she has gotten me on various dietary supplements. I have an aversion to taking prescribed medicines – Pharmaceuticals - This is one of my phobias, of which I have many. A cheap 61 grain aspirin per day works fine. I can deal with the other aches and pains. However, I must admit that these supplements that Suzie suggested are helping me and I’ve feeling much better since taking them.

My knees are shot and I have developed bursitis in my left shoulder. My alcohol consumption relieves me of this pain that I feel. My nicotine consumption keeps me on an even keel, I rarely lose my temper when smoking. Some of my friends suggest that I smoke marijuana to relieve my pains. Not until they make it legal!

Both alcohol and nicotine are drugs, albeit legal drugs. But these are drugs that no Doctor will prescribe; there is no money in it for them.

The Beach Bum


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

St. Valentine's Day

From today’s St. Petersburg Times -

“The Lowry Zoo, Tampa, Florida - 6-9 p.m. Singles, couples and groups of friends (ages 21 and up) are invited to the zoo to take a look into the pairing, partnering and mating habits of our animal residents. This special evening event features up-close animal encounters, romantic refreshments and dinner. Advance reservations are required. The event is $45 per person for Zoo Pass holders, or $50 per person for non-Zoo Pass holders. Discounts are available for groups.”

Why people would want to pay to watch animals having sexual encounters is beyond my scope of rational thinking. But today is Valentine’s Day and love is in the air.

The Lowry Zoo will be packed tonight with people paying $50 per person for a mediocre dinner and to see an animal porn show.

Why? It befuddles me, so I have no answer.

It would be less expensive to take your Valentine Day's lover to a classy restaurant and rent a good Porn flick from the local video store.

It's a case of whatever turns you on!

Animals pairing, partnering and mating does nothing for my libido. But, for some, it must be very sexually arousing. Personally, I rather watch the Paris Hilton video – “One night in Paris”. And I can't stand Paris.

I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day night at home with the one that I love the best, myself. I’ll be watching cable TV, but it wont be the Animal Channel.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you lovers out there!

The Beach Bum

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Freedom of Speech

I read an interesting Blog today. The Blog concerned leaving obscene comments and using vulgar language on this Blog.

The author of the blog says “Some people get very upset and up in arms about deleting comments but I am of the mind that it’s my blog and if I don’t appreciate the tone I can remove the comment.”

He goes on to say “I certainly don’t mind someone disagreeing with me or having a different opinion. It is those differences that make the Blogosphere great. I just won’t be talked to in that tone in my house.”

I’m a champion of the First Amendment. Particularly Free Speech and a Free Press. “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” That is, unless it presents “a clear and present danger” to our American way of life. I’m speaking of sedition or the attempt to overthrow our government. These are the only reasons to limit free speech.

I’m against pornography, yet I believe in the rights to publish pornography!

I was reared in a household where there was little cursing. If there was bad language, it was when my sister and I were not at home or in bed for the night. My parents knew all the words but didn’t use them around their children. After I learned all the words, I never used them at home. I followed my parent’s policy when my children were young.

My point being that, I, like my fellow blogger noted above, will not tolerate obscene or vulgar language to be posted to my Blog. Add an obscene comment to my Blog and I will delete it. This Blog is “my house” and I will not allow that language to be used in my house.

A friend tells me that my Blog occasionally borders on the obscene. I’ll admit that this is true; however, my obscenities are in the form of euphemisms, innuendo and double entendre. My Blog is designed for adult readers, not for the millions of young people that surf the net and read blogs.

In the early 1970’s George Carlin did a bit on the “7 Dirty Words”. We all know those words and whether we use them or not, it is our choice. In my personal life, I do happen to use many of these words. It’s become part of the modern day vernacular. In my public life, I don’t. My public life being the Blogosphere, business relationships and people that really are not are my personal friends. It’s a natural restraint that I had learned in my youth.

The bottom line is that many of us walk to a different drummer. As individuals we must follow that drummer wherever he leads us. But in the interim we should conform to societal norms and mores. Dirty talk (Obscenities) seemingly fits very well into the language of today’s society, and I believe that this is a shame. I’ve heard 8 year old children using the F word. They know not what they are saying, but they are still saying the word. This is a sad commentary.

How did I get on this Bandwagon? Before I get carried away, I’ll get off this topic.

The Beach Bum


Sunday, February 11, 2007

Foot in Mouth

My Dad always told me that I had an innate ability to “put my foot into my mouth”. That it must be an inherent behavior because it was something that he hadn’t taught me.

Every time that I had “put my foot into my mouth”, Dad would tell me “Use your head for something more than a Hat Rack” and think before you speak.

This was good advice. Unfortunately, it was advice that I’ve never been able follow. I can’t help it; it’s just my nature to put my foot into my mouth. It’s my “tongue in cheek” style of conversing with others.

I did it again this past afternoon.

Out of the blue, a former lover and friend calls me. I haven’t spoken to her for two or three years, although we do email and IM occasionally.

We did the usual conversational pleasantries. She asks about my children and grandchildren, and I ask about her love life. She feigns by not hearing the question correctly and then begins humoring me, by telling me that I was the best lover in her life. I’d really like to believe this because I will honestly say that she was the best lover in my life. But that was 15 years ago and just a sexual thing. Being with her was a real hell on earth, yet heaven in the bedroom.

Without asking why she had called, I went on one of my diatribes about her choice in men, including me. Let me state, that she is a “drop dead” gorgeous woman 21 years younger than I. I always told her that she could do better than me. She finally believed me and left my humble abode 13 years ago.

At this point of our conversation my foot is shaking and demanding that I place it in my mouth.

Most of her former lovers were what I called low-lives. She always had bad judgment in her affairs of the heart, which includes me. She’s a natural Blonde, what else can I say?

Being that I am a person known to have very little tact, I then asked her if she was still seeing the (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) that she was with 3 years ago. Big mistake! 5 seconds of silence on her end of the line. Open Mouth – Insert Foot!

She then explained that reason for her call was to tell me that she was getting married to this (expletive deleted) guy in March. They will be honeymooning at Disney World and had been thinking of visiting me here on the Beach.

Flabbergasted, I told her that I wasn’t into threesomes with guys. Click, end of conversation! I think that I may have lost a friend.

The Beach Bum


The final piece of the puzzle arrived on Friday. It’s a toy rooster! In fact, it is a dancing rooster that plays a polka and squawks to the music. It dances and plays the tune when you push a button on the left wing. However, if you grab it by the neck it emits sounds of barnyard fowl passion. It’s literally choking the Chicken.

Now I have 3 new Kazoos, a bar of Butt/Face Soap and a Dancing Chicken. What relationship do these three have in common? I’m Clueless!

Knowing that my friend has a “Gary Larson” sense of humor, as I also do, I attempted to put all the pieces of this puzzle together. I’m stymied. What can these three items have in common?

I am at a lost in this conundrum. Am I missing the obvious? What is the obvious? There are seemingly a lot of question marks.

Perhaps, as I said in a previous post (A Short Drive) to this Blog, it’s just meant to drive me crazier that I already am. I do admit to being a slightly paranoid person with many phobias. Many more phobias than one person should have.

Why is my friend doing this to me? Again, I am still clueless! Everything is not coming together as he said it would. For two days I pondered this Puzzle.

I gave up today. So I called him for the explanation of the gifts; which follows:

The purpose of the 3 Kazoos is so that 2 of my friends and I can play along with the Polka that the Chicken is playing. Choking the Chicken will make it squawk along with the music. This whole scenario will be so funny that I will crap in my pants while laughing. Therefore necessitating my taking a shower and using the Butt/Face soap. With excrement on my bottom side I would not want to use the same side of the soap to wash my face. That is why the sides of the soap are labeled.

What scares me is that I can almost follow his logic.

By the way, I love choking that chicken.

The Beach Bum

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sour Grapes

One has to admire Bobby Griffin, author of “The Bestest Blog of all Time”, for his ingenuity. I envy him! Why? Because of the fact that he making money Blogging and I am not.

Bobby Griffin is not a modest person and is very up front about why he has gotten into blogging. He’s in it for the bucks.

His latest post:
“Time is running out for you to become the next featured blog of the week Remember how it works...the largest premium blog donation of the week is entitled to double hits from the Random Blog button as well as that nice big link that you see in the top left. The link itself has been getting about 20 clicks per day, but the number of extra random blog visitors is well into the hundreds. Currently this week's highest donation is $87. Time runs out when I finish doing my updates (sometime on Sunday). Thanks and good luck!”

He also auctions off “The Bestest Blog of the Month” on EBay. As I have stated before in previous Blogs; Bobby is a money making machine. He’s a Catholic High School math teacher who is apparently wasting his time teaching adolescents in the swamps of New Jersey.

He has stated that he made more money last week from The Bestest Blog than he did teaching. I can't imagine what he could be making in the Blogosphere with a full time effort.

Although Bobby rarely writes anything relevant, he does attract people that have extremely well written and interesting Blogs, to his site. I am a reader of several of his “Premium Blogs”.

To become a Premium Blog you must donate to Mr. Griffin. I have nothing to donate excepting my insight. I’m an unemployed poor old man currently supporting my son and grandson. Therefore, I cannot send Bobby any money and become a Premium Blogger .

A link to Bobby’s Blog is on the upper right side of this Blog. Check out his Premium Bloggers. Most of them write well and have interesting Blogs.

The Beach Bum

Friday, February 09, 2007

A Short Drive

An old Army buddy and good friend, is attempting to drive me crazier than I already am. And for me it’s a short drive. There are people that question my sanity, because I have so many phobias. Some of which, I have mentioned in previous Blogs.

A week ago this friend sends me an email saying that I will be receiving a package (gift) via UPS within a few days, but that it was only a partial shipment of the gifts that he had ordered. He also stated that he will be coming to Florida to visit with me next Monday.

Actually, he is not coming to visit me, but is coming to participate in a Sailboat Regatta on Tampa Bay. However, it is a good reason for us to get together for lunch, dinner and a few cocktails.

Back to the gift!

The first parcel arrived on Wednesday. It consisted of 3 Kazoos (costing $2.99 each) and one bar of soap ($3.99). The soap is imprinted with Face on one side and Butt on the other side, and it’s called Butt/Face Soap.

My friend knows that I am a very fastidious person about my personal hygiene. I would never use the same soap to wash my face as I do to wash my body. This is probably another one of my phobias.

What he didn’t know is that I own a pro Kazoo, much better than the three that he sent to me. Kazoo playing is the upper limits of my musical talent. I am, in fact, a great Kazoo player.

I questioned him about the gifts and his reply was that it would all come together when I received the second package of gifts. He, as usual, is screwing with my sanity or what little left that I have.

So here I am, sitting on pins and needles, awaiting the second package, which should allow me to solve the riddle of the Kazoos and the Bar of Soap.

The Beach Bum

Chinese Invasion

I’ve been invaded! My stat counter tells me than 47% of the last 100 visitors to my Blog have been from China. Why China? Because they are industrious and resourceful people with nothing better to do.

Most of the Chinese that visit my Blog will leave a comment saying “Nice Blog – please visit my Blog @ -----. They are very polite people. But I consider this a form of Spam and will never visit their Blog.

In one of my previous Blogs I stated that “If you don’t have a comment relevant to my topic, please do not post a comment”. It appears as if the Chinese, who can write in English, still do not understand the English language.

But, of course, they are not reading my Blogs; they’re just posting their comments to get you to visit their Blog. This really honks me off!

Why are they spamming my blog that gets an average of 14 visitors per day? Why not spam Bobby Griffin’s “The Bestest Blog of All-Time” which has at least 500 hits per day.

Why are these Chinese people targeting me and my Blog? Do they do this to all Bloggers?

Hey, Chinamen, get off of my Blog! "The way which can be uttered, is not the eternal way". (道可道,非常道)

The Beach Bum

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Analyze This - Analyze That

My children will say that I have the tendency to over analyze everything. That I never make hasty or impulsive decisions and I rarely go with my gut feelings. Is this a bad trait? I think not!

The greatest problem with over analyzing is the wasted time that you spend in over analyzing. Big deal! I have plenty of time to waste.

My children will also say that I am verbose and loquacious. I forgive them for saying this because they had to sit through my many lectures when they were younger.

I can’t count the times that I heard “what does that word mean, Daddy?’ I would tell them to look in up in the dictionary. I had always spoken to them as if they were adults. My parents did the same with me. Later in your life, you learn, that’s it’s a valuable quality.

I spent the last several hours analyzing my last post to this Blog. Not the Blog itself, but the results to the quizzes that I had taken.

I mildly disagree with some of the results and wholeheartedly agree with others.

#1 - I am a Liberal Conservative, However I did vote for the Libertarian Presidential candidate in the last Presidential election.

#2 - I do consider myself as a Pundit Blogger, however I doubt that I am “Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few”.

#3 - “A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.” This has always been my forte.

#4 - I was considered to be a Jock when in High School. I lettered in both Baseball and Football. I was also a member of the Debate Club.I enjoyed being competitive and still do. But the Jocks got more dates with cheerleaders than the Debaters did.

#5 – Yes, I am attracted to unbridled women. However, I don’t enjoy uncertainty in a relationship. Plus I am not an optimistic person, especially when a member of the opposite sex is involved. Open relationships just don’t work well for me. Probably because my past partners were a lot less open than me.
“Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.” This statement is true.

The Beach Bum

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Interesting Bloggers Site

I am new to the Blogosphere. I am a neophyte, but I’m slowly learning from other more seasoned Bloggers. Being that I am under employed, I find that I have the time to do so.

The best of which is Bobby Griffin of “The Bestest Blog of All-Time”. Bobby is a High School teacher. The people that pay him to rate their Blogs higher on his list of “The Bestest Blog” are, for the most part, very literate. I admire Bobby for his ingenuity. So much so that I am tempted to send him a buck or two, which I don’t really have. Bobby made more money last week from Blogging than he did from teaching position. This is a sad commentary.

Last month one of Bobby’s “Bestest Blogs of the Day” was Second Effort written by the Curmudgeon. I visit this Blog on almost a daily basis and have added a link to his Blog on my Blog.

Today, one of the Curmudgeon’s Blogs linked to This site has a variety of quizzes that you can take, then they will evaluate you accordingly and give you a code to put on your Blog.

I enjoy taking quizzes that evaluate my personality. I took about ten of them and if the Blogging Gods are favorable some of the results will be posted below:

How Democrat are you?

You Are 36% Democrat

You're a bit Democrat, and probably more liberal than you realize.
If you're still voting Republican, maybe it's time that you stop.

What kind of Blogger are you?

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read.
Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What kind of intelligence do you have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.
You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

Who were you in High School?

Athletic Kid

Even if you weren't a football star, you spent a good amount of time playing sports and keeping fit.

People may have stereotyped you as a "dumb jock" - but they underestimated your will, wit, and determination.

What are the keys to your heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.
You'd like your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

I disagree with some of the results of these quizzes, especially the last one. But they are very interesting to say the least.
The Beach Bum

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Stoned Women

There is a small town about 100 miles northeast of Montréal, in Quebec, Canada named Herouxville, population 1,323. Their town Council has posted a declaration on the town’s website. The declaration is to inform new immigrants as to what will not be tolerated in this small Quebec town.

The declaration states: "We wish to inform these new arrivals that the way of life which they abandoned when they left their countries of origin cannot be recreated here." How many new arrivals can this small town have? And why would anyone want to immigrate to a French speaking town in the frigid part of Quebec Province?

The declaration goes on to say "Therefore we consider it completely outside these norms to kill women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, circumcising them etc." This is very strong language coming from French Canadians.

Who are they targeting? Which nationality or religion is best known for “the stoning of women and burning them alive”? And again, why would people who are known for these grievous acts want to immigrate to this small Canadian town?

These small town French Canadians are profiling their émigrés. Which is a very politically incorrect thing to do and therefore I love it. But isn’t it against the laws of most countries to stone or burn women (or any human) to death.

We should all take the same stand on human rights that the small town of Herouxville, Quebec has done. If you want to live here, you must assimilate into our culture and abide by the norms of our society. This is not your native country or your homeland; therefore you must learn our customs and mores.

If you have a compelling desire to stone or burn your women; then go back to your home country where it is legal to do so.

The Beach Bum

Monday, February 05, 2007

Showering at Yale

A professor at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut has sent email to all of the students that are living in certain dormitory at that school. The subject of the email was the “Inappropriate use of Shower Stalls”.

It seems that some of the female students in these dorms were made to feel uncomfortable listening to “very loud sex" sounds emanating from the showers. I’m surprised at that reaction. I have considered this generation of College co-eds to be far less than straitlaced. Why else would we have so many different “Girls Gone Wild” videos and internet porn sites featuring college co-eds? If you Google the words nude co-eds you'll get 911,000 sites to visit.

This would have never happened in the 1960’s. There were no co-ed dorms back then and if a member of the opposite sex was found in your dorm, there would be hell to pay. That’s why it was so popular to join a party house Fraternity in those days. It was easier to sneak a girl past the House Mother than it was to sneak one into the Dorm.

In the mid 1960’s, I read a book called “The Harrad Experiment” by Robert Rimmer (the book is available on Amazon). It was about a fictional College in New England that matched incoming freshmen as roommates, according to their sexual compatibility. What a great idea! The premise of this book was almost every male student’s fantasy come true.

Personally, I really enjoy having sex in the shower; it’s an invigorating experience even when you are showering alone.

The Beach Bum

Added Links

I have just added two new Blogs to my list of links.
The first is the Curmudgeon’s Blog – Second Effort. This guy is from Chicago and writes very well on a wide range of topics.
The second is Doctor Anonymous. He’s Midwest Doctor and Blogaholic who is currently on hiatus from blogging. His past posts are well worth reading. His fans all hope that he returns to Blogging in the near future.

The Beach Bum

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Bear's Fans Pray for Rain

I spent the most of this morning checking out websites with tonight’s Super Bowl predictions.
As I have been waiting to watch this Super Bowl for more than 21 years, I wanted to see what the sports pundits had to say about the outcome of this game.
I’ve checked ESPN, CBS Sports Line, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Time and the Indianapolis Star. The consensus is that the Colts should win. But there still is a ray of hope for us Bears’ fans.
There hopes are that the rainfall in Miami continues and ESPN’s Joe Theismann’s prediction that the Colts will win the Super Bowl will follow his past predictions that the Bears will lose.
It is currently raining in Miami and should continue during the game. This factor favors both the Bears offense and defense.
Secondly, there is Joe Theismann’s picking the Colts to beat the Bears by 21 to 10. Joe has picked the Bears opponents to win in the past two playoff games. I liked Theismann as a player but I can’t stand him as a color commentator and analyst. Most Pro football players feel the same way as I do about Joe.
With the rain and the Theismann factor the Bears should be victorious tonight. My prediction is the Bears 24 – Colts 17. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking from a lifelong Chicago Bears fan.

The Beach Bum