Foot in Mouth

My Dad always told me that I had an innate ability to “put my foot into my mouth”. That it must be an inherent behavior because it was something that he hadn’t taught me.

Every time that I had “put my foot into my mouth”, Dad would tell me “Use your head for something more than a Hat Rack” and think before you speak.

This was good advice. Unfortunately, it was advice that I’ve never been able follow. I can’t help it; it’s just my nature to put my foot into my mouth. It’s my “tongue in cheek” style of conversing with others.

I did it again this past afternoon.

Out of the blue, a former lover and friend calls me. I haven’t spoken to her for two or three years, although we do email and IM occasionally.

We did the usual conversational pleasantries. She asks about my children and grandchildren, and I ask about her love life. She feigns by not hearing the question correctly and then begins humoring me, by telling me that I was the best lover in her life. I’d really like to believe this because I will honestly say that she was the best lover in my life. But that was 15 years ago and just a sexual thing. Being with her was a real hell on earth, yet heaven in the bedroom.

Without asking why she had called, I went on one of my diatribes about her choice in men, including me. Let me state, that she is a “drop dead” gorgeous woman 21 years younger than I. I always told her that she could do better than me. She finally believed me and left my humble abode 13 years ago.

At this point of our conversation my foot is shaking and demanding that I place it in my mouth.

Most of her former lovers were what I called low-lives. She always had bad judgment in her affairs of the heart, which includes me. She’s a natural Blonde, what else can I say?

Being that I am a person known to have very little tact, I then asked her if she was still seeing the (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) that she was with 3 years ago. Big mistake! 5 seconds of silence on her end of the line. Open Mouth – Insert Foot!

She then explained that reason for her call was to tell me that she was getting married to this (expletive deleted) guy in March. They will be honeymooning at Disney World and had been thinking of visiting me here on the Beach.

Flabbergasted, I told her that I wasn’t into threesomes with guys. Click, end of conversation! I think that I may have lost a friend.

The Beach Bum