Sunday, December 31, 2006

Unhappy Hookers

I read in the news the other day that brothel owners in Amsterdam, Netherlands are at war with the Amsterdam City Council over the proposed closing of one third of the brothels in Amsterdam’s famous Red Light (Whores in Windows) District.

The Council claims these Brothels are bringing an undesirable influence into the Red Light district and into Amsterdam itself. Most of them are new and privately funded brothels. The council believes that the private funds are coming from organized crime. They also believe that if they clean up the district more banks would loan money to new brothel owners rather than them getting it from other sources.

The 10,000 strong Prostitute Union, and yes they have unionized, is also against the closures. They claim that if the brothels are closed they will have to work in the streets rather than work out of apartment building windows, as they do now. Both the Brothel owners and the Prostitute’s Union are taking the Council’s action into the courts.

I’m for legal prostitution. As well as the legalizing of Marijuana and some other recreational drugs. Why? Not because I am a user, my drugs of choice are still legal (Alcohol and Nicotine), but for the tax revenues that they would bring into the US Treasury. Unfortunately both the moral right wingers and organized crime will never let this happen. They both spent tons of bucks to influence our members of Congress.

Although I haven’t used the services of a prostitute for nearly 40 years, I feel that they perform an essential service that, and like any other service industry, should be legal. Remember it’s the world’s oldest profession and a victimless crime.

The Beach Bum

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Being Monkish

Two years ago a female customer told me that I was Monkish. I didn’t understand her comment or this term. Although I’m not far from being celibate (not by choice), I am never silent. I have much to say and offer my opinions often, sometimes without provocation. I’ve been called outspoken by more that a few people.

Later I asked the lady why she thought that I was like a Monk. She then explained to me what being Monkish was all about.

Monkish is being like the character, Adrian Monk, in the USA Network television series Monk. I had never seen this program, so I asked her to give me a detailed explanation. She told me that the character Monk was anal retentive and had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don’t have either of these problems, so I asked her why she saw these qualities in my actions.

She said that as soon as I came on duty, behind the bar, I would start rearranging glasses and other things and checking the bottles to see if they were in the correct place. She said she had seen me do this hundreds of times over the course of the years that I had worked there. My answer was that it was essential to have things in their proper place to give good service to the customer.

Later that night I asked a fellow bartender, a young female, if she had seen these Monkish qualities in my actions behind the bar. She said “Dude you’re the most Anal person that I know.” After work I invited her to my home for a few after work cocktails, and she accepted. After 5 minutes in my house she recanted her earlier statement. She saw the newspapers strewn across the floor, the extremely messy computer desk, the dining room table littered with mail and fliers and the sink full of dirty dishes and glasses. After seeing all of this she reformed her opinion about me being Anal. After a few drinks we had gratuitous sex. She wasn’t that good in bed, so I never invited her back. But I really think that she would not have come back to what she called a “total mess” anyway. The bedroom was clean as it is rarely used except for sleeping purposes.

Since then, I have become a big Tony Shalhoub (Mr. Monk) fan. Monk is very well written and the plots are usually intriguing. I do have a lot of his phobias, but I am neither Anal nor obsessive-compulsive.

The USA Network is airing a Monk Marathon on New Years Day. I’ll be watching this instead of the College Football Bowl games.

The Beach Bum

Friday, December 29, 2006


I live on the main street, Gulf Boulevard, which transverses Treasure Island. Directly across the street from my humble abode lies a family owned Motel with about 40 rooms. Their parking lot has been full for the past 10 days, which I am glad to see because they had an abysmal October and November.

Earlier this afternoon I was basking in the warmth (78 Degrees) of the Florida sunshine and drinking a few Bloody Marys. Drinking alcohol seemingly heightens my perceptions of the things around me and brings cerebral thoughts into my mind. The learned Doctors that I visit tell me differently. According to them, I’m killing myself slowly and have been doing so for many years.

So I was sitting there, sipping my cocktails, looking at the beautiful beach and the Motel across the street. I then began to observe the cars in the motel parking lot. First of all, most of them had out of state license plates. Secondly, I noticed that there were more SUVs and Vans in their lot than cars. So I took a count.

Out of the 28 vehicles that were parked there, only 6 were cars. With gasoline prices as they are, this really surprises me. So now, I get to thinking, which is a dangerous thing for me to do after a few Bloody Marys and a few Miller Lites. I started to count the type of vehicles that were driving on Gulf Boulevard. Not counting Commercial vehicles and motorcycles, about 70% were SUVs, Vans or Trucks.

What’s happen to the small car craze of the 1980’s and 1990’s? Gasoline prices have dropped slightly in the past 6 months, but they are still over 200% higher than when I moved to Florida in 1998. I usually drive less than 900 miles a year, this year under 300 miles, since I am not driving to work. Therefore the price of gas does not really affect me. It does however bother me.

I also noticed that many vehicles were exceeding the speed limit (35 MPH) by more than five miles per hour. Treasure Island has its own Police force, with very little to do, except for responding to Domestic Violence calls and doing DUI checks. The local’s slogan here is “Come on Vacation and leave on Probation”! We have the largest per capita Police Force in Florida. Speeding tickets bring in revenue and I do not understand why they aren’t more aggressive on enforcing the speed limit.

Just my two cents and observations!

The Beach Bum

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Christmas Party

A few nights ago I attended a Christmas party, something that I am not too fond of doing. It was the Christmas party at my former place of employment. I hadn’t planned on attending until a former co-worked called and said that my former boss said I better get my butt to the party.

My former boss also happens to be a close personal friend of mine, my youngest daughter even calls him Papa, but she calls me Dad. He well knows that I don’t enjoy attending these functions, but when I worked at his restaurant it was obligatory for employees to attend.

The main reasons that I don’t like these functions are: 1) The Free Birds – these are the people that only come to the bar/restaurant when they can get away with spending as little money as possible. They’ll except drinks from others, but will never return the courtesy. Free Birds are cheap people and I don’t like cheap people and 2) I usually make an ass of myself at these parties.

As usual, I did it again this year. My latest Faux Pas was attempting to entice a woman (a cocktail waitress from the bar) 31 years younger than me into the sack. The party was winding down and she suggested to me that we go to another local Treasure Island Bar and play a game of Pool. She drove, as I do not drive when consuming alcoholic beverages.

We shot two games of Pool; I realized that I’m not as good as I was 25 years ago. But I still play a decent game when I am semi-sober. After winning both we went back to the bar and I tried to put my best moves to work. I was looking to get laid.

We did a shooter and 5 minutes later her head was on the bar with her eyes closed – no stamina! It took me 10 minutes to revive her. I put her in a cab and walked ¾ miles home. I hadn’t even gotten to first base.

The Beach Bum

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Being Homeless

A good friend of mine, who lives in New Hampshire, recently went to his local Army/Navy Surplus Store and purchased 10 Army blankets. The owner of the store threw in several pairs of gloves and socks.

The purpose of his purchase was to provide the local homeless persons with warmth for the ensuing winter months. It was a very noble gesture, to say the least.

Here in Florida, I do not see very many homeless people, especially on the Beaches where I live and play. When I lived in the Washington, DC, Maryland and Virginia area, I saw quite a few more homeless people. I can recall giving a Native American homeless person a five dollar bill in the winter of 1965 in downtown Chicago. Five bucks was a lot of money back then. But there were very few shelters for the homeless, or as we called them, Bums, at that time.

The thing that I don’t really understand is why the homeless continue to live in the northern States. Why don’t they migrate south to warmer climates? If I was homeless, I’d surely be living here in Florida, southern California or in Texas near the Rio Grande.

Better than this, I have another idea. All of us should realize we have a lot of Mexican immigrants, legal or illegal living here in the United States.

Let’s send our homeless people to Mexico to replace the incoming immigrants. It’s warm there and they wouldl only need a serape to keep them warm at night. The homeless do not work, so they won’t be taking jobs away from the locals. Our government could give the airfare and a grubstake to get them started. It would cost less than welfare payments, although most homeless people do not receive welfare, because they don’t apply. Foolish Pride!

And yet somehow I agree with them, I'd rather be begging on the streets and have nothing but the clothes on my back than take charity and welfare.

The Beach Bum

Friday, December 15, 2006

Happy Fingers - Tired Mouse

This posting is just to give you all an update on my progress with my War against the Giant. My happy finger clicked on over 100 Ads by Google yesterday. And that was my middle finger, not the index finger. I usually use my index finger when clicking on my mouse, but in the case of Google Ads, I ceremoniously use my middle finger. It give me a little more pleasure.

I said that I wasn’t going to click Google Ads on Blog sites, but I’ve changed my mind today. I went to a Blog site today, which I forgot to bookmark, that had a picture of a gorgeous young lady in a bikini, followed by 5 ads by Google. Then another bikini babe and 5 more ads by Google. And yet another hottie in a bikini with 5 more Google Ads. Is this pandering for profit? Fifteen Google Ads on today’s 3 Bikini Girl postings and not a single word, just pictures of scantily clan young women.

I clicked on all the Ads and some of them lead me to other Google Ads; I had a field day. I was so excited that I forgot to bookmark the Blog.

The Beach Bum

Thursday, December 14, 2006


Someone recently asked me about my nicknames, as I have so many of them.

I’ve had several nicknames in my lifetime. The latest nickname is “The Duke”. I like this one the best because it is the same nickname given to one of my all-time favorite actors; John Wayne.

Other sobriquets given to me in the past have been: Punky, Pizzazz (later shortened to Zazz), Daffydill and The Beach Bum (AKA “That Drunk on the Beach”).

Why “The Duke”?

In September 2005, a good friend that I had met while serving in the Army and stationed in Africa, passed away. His full nickname was “Spook, The King of Grossness”. It was shortened to “Spook” by his close friends and the local Eritrean Bar Whores. Actually, it was a bar whore that gave him the nickname of “The Spook”. It is a bastardization of the Tigrinya word for Good – “tsebuke”.

After the Spook died, I was offered the Kingship. They thrice presented me a kingly crown, which I did thrice refused saying that it rightfully belonged to the “Prince of Grossness”, Go-Go Grossmach. The Prince echoed my comments that neither one of us were worthy of the honor. The Prince said that “The King is dead and no one could ever replace him”.

Later, another friend of “the Spook” mentioned the following in one of his emails:

Duke: “A nobleman with the highest hereditary rank, especially a man of the highest grade of the peerage in Great Britain”.

"Zazz should henceforth be known as the “Duke of Grossness”.

It sounded good to me so I accepted the title.

The Beach Bum

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Battle

I would like to amend some of the comments that I had made in my previous post to this Blog.

I’m still waging war with Google and I still feel justified in doing so. However, I did make a grievous error in suggesting that everyone hit as many Google Ads as possible. I had forgotten that there were other small fish just like me who were trying to make a few extra dollars using Google AdSense, the same as I was.

Please stay away from clicking Ads on bloggers sites, as they are, for the most part, small fish just like us. I’ve been concentrating on the larger sites that carry Google Ads. Many of the click on ads took me to sites with other Google Ads. I made about 50 clicks today, and plan to do more clicking later tonight. I just wonder if there is any way that they can bar me from clicking on their Ads.

I’m still requesting that you click on as many Google ads (each day) as possible. The Google founders are now multi-billionaires and their employees are beefing me about earning $86 in 10 days.

I continue to use Google as my primary search engine. But I’m seriously considering going to I used to love Google but to paraphrase an old quote; “Hell hath no fury like a Blogger scorned”

The Beach Bum

War with Google

I’m a big John Wayne fan. Now my close friends call me “the Duke” which is an accolade that I have readily accepted.

In one of Wayne’s early 1960’s movies, McLintock, my boyhood hero said the following:
“I know I'm gonna use good judgment. I haven't lost my temper in 40 years, but pilgrim you caused a lot of trouble this morning, might have got somebody killed... and somebody oughta belt you in the mouth. But I won't, I won't. The hell I won't”. Then "Duke" punches the Ass****.

Well, I’ve now lost my temper and being the vindictive Ass**** that I am, I looking for some just retribution.

I’m declaring war on Google, and I hope that all you little guys; small fish, like myself, will join me in this war.

Google makes mega bucks every year by placing Google AdSense Ads on websites and Blogs.

They have taken their ads off of this blog saying that I violated their Terms of Service:

"After receiving your response, we re-reviewed your account data thoroughly. We have reconfirmed that invalid clicks were generated on the ads on your site in violation of our Terms and Conditions and program policies."

First off, their Terms and Conditions and program policies are very vague and ambiguous. I’ve read them several times and still do not fully understand them or how I violated them.

But let’s face it; it’s the big guy against us little guys. There is no sense in me complaining to them, as I cannot win. Of course, I’ll lose. As my dad would say “it’s like flogging a dead horse”.

But you, I and all the little people out there in cyberspace have a way to bring the Giant (as David did with Goliath) down. Attack them were it hurts the most –Google Ads.

I request that all of you click on every Google Ad that you see. Sometimes, if you refresh the page, new ads will appear. Just keep clicking. I visit at least 10 sites each day with Google ads and I’ll be sure to click on all of them at least once.

What will this accomplish? Well, if I can get 1000 click happy people to visit Google Ads, on other websites and bloggers, and as I was, many will be cut off by Google for invalid clicks!

This is War! And I will email the 100 plus people in my address book to invade the enemy – Google! I strongly suggest that you do the same.

The Beach Bum

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Dad

My dad, who was not my birth father, used a lot of colloquial expressions. The one’s that immediately come to mind are; “You don’t know Shit from Shinola”, “Use your head for something more than a hat rack” and “Don’t get mad, get even”.

“Don’t get mad, get even” is some really good advice. I think about my dad, who passed away in 2004, six months before his 90th Birthday, and his proverbial sayings more so as I grow older. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t heed his simple advice.

More and more, I’ve been saying to my children that “My Dad said this and my Dad said that”. My dad’s sagaciousness is now haunting me. As well it should! Sometimes we fail to realize that those that have parented us have more smarts then we do.

Back to “Don’t get mad, get even”.

I have recently had my Google AdSense account terminated because too many of the people reading my Blog were clicking on the Ads that were placed there by Google. I’ve read their terms of service and do not see where I could have violated any of them. Perhaps it was the fact that I mentioned that Google was placing some good Ads on my Blog. However, I never asked anyone to click on those Ads.

What’s up with Google? They place Ads on a Blog and then tell you that you have too many people viewing them which isn’t fair to the advertisers that have placed the Ads there. I know of two people that have purchased items through the ads on my blog. I have called them and told them to rescind their orders, telling the seller that it was because Google has been unfair to the site of my blog. If anyone of you have also made a purchase from Ad’s that you have seen on my Blog, I strongly suggest that you do the same. Let’s send them a message!

Google is a giant and I am just a small fish in a small pond. However, small fish have ways of getting even. I don’t appreciate getting screwed without getting kissed. I’m over sixty years old and retired (read this as unemployed). The few bucks that I would get from AdSense Ads would help to support my bad habits. Why are the giants screwing with me; the small fish.

Getting even and not getting mad. I have more than 100 people in my address book and I’m sure that most of you have at least that amount in yours. What I plan to do, if Google does not reinstate my account, and I’ll request that you readers of my Blog do the same, is to madly click Ad’s on any site that you visit that has Google Ads. Whatever you do, do not buy anything, just click, click and click away. I have nothing to do all day and I can probably click on 500 Google Ads a day.

I call that fuckin’ the fucker and I’m not prone to obscene language. There always are ways to disable the giant. Please help!

The Beach Bum

Monday, December 11, 2006

Boat Parade

Last night I got slightly intoxicated. This is not unusual for me. I like Bloody Marys for breakfast, Martini’s in the afternoon and I drink a half of a case of beer every day. Yes, I am a confirmed alcoholic. When you are sometimes known as “that drunk on the beach” you have a reputation to live up to, and I think that I am doing a good job at attempting to live up to my reputation.

Sunday night, Treasure Island had its annual Christmas Boat Parade. That's a good excuse for having a cocktail. Somewhere between sixty to eighty boats bespangled with lights and Yuletide decorations paraded through my back yard – the Boca Ciega Bay. It’s the same boats and the same decorations every year; big deal. It’s like the ooh’s and ah’s that you hear at the Fourth of July fireworks display. It’s boring, boring, and even more boring.

I just can’t see how people who watch this Parade every year can get excited about this event. Perhaps it’s getting into the Christmas spirit, which is hard for me to do. When I see these boats Parading, all I can think about is the thousands of dollars wasted on fuel.

The Beach Bum

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Sexual Encounters

Let’s talk about sex. This is a subject that is very close to my heart as well as other parts of my anatomy. My penis throbs just thinking about it! If you do a Google search with the words:” live sex” you’ll have 186 million pages to visit.

The best sexual encounters that I have ever experienced were with a live-in lover who was 21 years younger than I. During the nearly three years that we spent together, I never once thought of cheating with another woman.
She enjoyed what she called “Topsies” – Woman on top, Man on the bottom. She also relished being in control and the fact that I could penetrate her deeper than I could in the standard “missionary position” or even “doggy style”. We did more positions than I had done with any of my previous lovers; We even consulted the Kama Sutra to learn new positions.

For me, the Topsies position had its benefits and its downfalls. The greatest benefit to the male is that he didn’t do anything but just lie there. She would just rock on top of me, rubbing and grinding her clitoris against my pelvis while I was deeply penetrating her. Talk about multiple orgasms. The woman is in total control of the sexual experience. I know that it’s hard for some guys to handle this situation, but I’m not a control freak and I loved it.

The biggest downfall of “the Woman on the top” AKA Topsies, was the bruising of the tender head of my penis when it pushed against her pelvic bone. This pain would let me keep my erection longer and also prevented me from having a premature ejaculation. Thus allowing me to give more pleasure to my lover and isn’t that the reason for having sex. Giving pleasure to your lover is the reason that we have sexual encounters.

The Beach Bum

The Killer Burger

There is a restaurant in Tempe, Arizona called The Heart Attack Grill. It’s a theme restaurant whose specialties include the Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flat Liner Fries; which are cooked in pure lard.

Local Tempe hospital employees are up in arms about this restaurant. Not because of the menu, but because of the fact that the waitresses wear skimpy, cleavage-baring outfits, high heels and thigh-high stockings, a male fantasy that some nursing organizations say is an insult to the profession.

Let’s face it, the idea of sex sells food. Look at the Hooters Chain, they are catering to the male sexual fantasy, not their food, although Hooters Buffalo Wings are some of the best that I have eaten.

I have spent over 30 years in the food service industry and I learned the fact that sex and food go together at day one in the business. The servers, both female and male, have learned this also. The good servers know when to flirt and when not to flirt. A little T&A will put more money in their pocket. It’s a no brainer!

If I ever go to Tempe, Arizona, I’ll be sure to visit The Heart Attack Grill. I love burgers and I more so love scantly clad women in nurses uniforms.

The Beach Bum

Friday, December 08, 2006


Jimmy Buffett once wrote an interesting song called “Havana Daydreamin’”. Well, today I was Jamaica Daydreamin’, as I have never been to Havana. It’s been in the mid 50’s here today in Florida and I was just thinking about the good times that I have spent there in the warm Jamaican sun. My last visit to the Island was in 1993, at Hedonism II on Negril Beach.

I have also stayed in Montego Bay, Runaway Bay and Ocho Rios on prior trips to that island. But, Negril was the best of them all. Fewer beggars and more people trying to sell you dope. I don’t do Ganja, but my girlfriend at the time did, and said that it was some really good shit that I bought for her. I took a fancy to the Herbal Tea that the “Tea Ladies” sold on the Beach in Negril.

Magic Mushrooms or “Shrooms” are one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind. Besides alcohol and tobacco, it’s the drug of my choice. Jamaican Herbal Tea is made from Magic Mushrooms. A few people that I have spoken to have had bad “shrooms” trips, some people just cannot do them. It’s similar to taking acid (LSD) at a “Grateful Dead”concert in the 1970’s.

Drugs affect each individual differently. While working in the restaurant and bar business for more than 30 years, I have seen how alcohol will change a person from a Doctor Jekyll into a Mister Hyde. Other drugs will do the same.

As I am a hopeless addict, my advice to all, is to stay away from alcohol, tobacco and drugs. I guarantee that you’ll appreciate my advice when you get older.

The Beach Bum

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Smart Injuns Kemo Sabe

I read today that the “nearly 3,300 Seminole Indians that live on and off reservations throughout Florida” have purchased the Hard Rock Café chain for 965 Million Dollars. The deal includes 124 Hard Rock Cafes, four Hard Rock Hotels and two Hard Rock Casino Hotels. The Seminole Indians already have Casino Hotels in Tampa and Hollywood Florida on their reservations.

I love this because throughout my life I have always been appalled by the way we treat Native Americans. First we steal their land, and then we kill them off and send the remainders to live on plots of land called reservations. How nice of us to give them a small plot of land; in a land which they once inhabited by themselves. We talk about segregation; Native Americans have been treated worse than Black Americans.

My applause and congratulations go out to the Seminole Nation for taking back a little of what they once wholly owned. They are smart people. By the way, if you did not know, they are the only tribe of Native Americans to never sign a treaty with the US Government. That’s smart!

The Beach Bum

Junk Mail

I get about 7 to 10 pieces of what I consider to be Junk Mail (snail mail) per week. Most of the unwanted solicitations are for Credit Cards, re-financing a Mortgage or switching my Auto Insurance. They are all telling me that their deal is better than the other guys.

Number one, I haven’t had a credit card in nearly 25 years and won’t have one. My bank has given me a Platinum Visa Debit Card which works just fine. No annual fees, no APR, and no chance of exceeding my spending limit. Plus it has all the benefits of using a regular Visa credit card.

Number two, I have no mortgage and, at this point in my life, I don’t care to have another one. I will say that they are throwing some great percentage rates at me. Even my bank has solicitations included with my monthly statements.

Number three, is Auto Insurance. I’ve used the same company for years. My car is 15 years old, so I now only carry liability and pay $550 per year for insurance. This seems to me to be an outrageous amount for a person that has never had an accident or filed a claim for over 35 years.

Getting back to the point of this post!

A lot of Junk Mail comes with prepaid return envelopes. What I do is cut up the ads from the Sunday newspaper and place them in the envelope and return them to the sender. You can also send an empty prepaid envelope back to the sender.

What does this accomplish?

The USPS will take in more money, and if all of us did this, a first class postage stamp would not be costing us 39 cents as it does today and probably 42 cents next year. The company’s sending out this unsolicited mail may realize that it is not economically sound for them to do so, therefore less Junk Mail.

The Beach Bum

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Google Ads

I have allowed Google to place ads on this Blog. You ask why? The simple answer is that they are paying me to do so. It isn’t a whole lot of bucks, but for the amount of viewers of my Blog – it’s not bad.

I find some of the ads very interesting and I wanted to click on them, but I cannot do so because of my Terms Of Service agreement with Google AdSense. I have found a way around this, but I will not mention it here. The reason that Google puts Ads on a Blog or a Website is to make money, and in turn they pass some of the bucks down to the Bloggers and Website owners. The advertisers make money by you buying their products on the internet. This is good for all parties concerned.

Today, there was an Ad for a Capresso Burr Grinder. If you are a serious Coffee drinker and the ad is there again – check it out. Their site features a lot of good products at prices lower than most retail stores. I’ve seen many ads of interest that Google has posted on my Blog. But then again, I’ve seen others that seemingly have no relevance to the content of my Blogs and wonder why they are there.

Also, if you like my Blogs, pass them on to your friends. I’ve been doing this for a week and average only 40 visitors per day. Feel free to comment on any blog that I post, as I love reading critical comments.

The Beach Bum

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Audrey's Dress

I read today that a black Givenchy dress worn by Audrey Hepburn in the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany's” has sold for £467,200 at a London auction. That’s over $900,000 US for one petite size dress. To top it off, this dress is used and over 40 years old.

The BBC News article goes on to say that “the dress was one of three made for Hepburn for one of her best-known roles, as eccentric Manhattan socialite Holly Golightly in the 1961 film adaptation of Truman Capote's novel”.

These Brits just can not get it right. First of all, Breakfast at Tiffanys was a short story written by Capote, not a novel. I read it when was I was stationed in Africa. Secondly, “eccentric socialite” must be the new British phrase for a Call Girl. By the way, Holly was neither an eccentric socialite nor a call girl in Capote’s original story. If anything, Holly was a Lesbian.

I remember falling in love with Audrey Hepburn after seeing that movie. It was my second crush on a movie actress. My first crush was on Marilyn Monroe, after seeing her in “Some Like It Hot”. I also had a teenage crush on one of my high school teachers at the same time as my crush on Audrey; at least I got to see Helen, my teacher, in person, for 5 days a week.

Back to the dress and the $900,000 that was paid for it at the auction.

I can recall getting very angry at my then live-in girlfriend, who was aspiring to be a runway model at the time, for buying a $900 Givenchy dress in 1984. She told me that it was a real bargain at that price. I guess so, if they are now going for a thousand times more than what they had originally had sold for. I just hope that she kept the dress and didn’t give it to Good Will because she could no longer squeeze into it.

The Beach Bum

Monday, December 04, 2006


I saw an ad on television today for a movie that will be coming out later in December. The movie’s title is Rocky Balboa. Is Sylvester Stallone that hard up for money that he has to make another Rocky movie at age 60? Next, we’ll be seeing ads for another Rambo movie. (Speaking of Ads – please check out my Google Ads above, they've been putting some interesting Ads on this blog).

I personally like most of Stallone’s movies. He is an action movie hero that can excite the audience and at times he could make them cry. This is catharsis at its best. And isn’t this why we go to the Movie Theater.

I go to movies, because I want to get lost in some fantasy world. It’s spending a moment away from the real world and its daily problems. It’s a release from life’s reality. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry.

This is also why we read fiction and novels. My favorite authors knew how to draw me in and make me feel as if I was one of their characters. Hemingway’s “Old Man and the Sea” is a perfect example. I can actually feel the Old Man’s anguish and pain as he fights the fish.

I won’t waste my money by going to the new Rocky movie. Instead I’ll read an old Hemingway novel, perhaps “To Have and Have Not”. I’ll watch the Rocky Balboa DVD in May.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

No Lemons - No Teaspoons

Why do some restaurant severs put a slice of lemon on my glass of water? Are they trying to tell me that their water is unfit to drink without a squeeze of lemon? It’s not that I don’t like lemon; I just don’t like it in my water or tainting my water glass.

These same servers will bring you fried seafood without a lemon wedge. I do like lemon with fried seafood. I guess that I’m supposed to use the one that was placed on my glass of water, which I am now afraid to drink.

I recently asked a server why she put a slice of lemon on my glass of water. She told me that most customers like lemon with their water and that it is a waste of steps and time to go back and get a slice of lemon for them. I told her that could not drink the water because the lemon had tainted both the water and the glass. She had to walk back and get me another glass of water. Wasted time and wasted steps. She said I was in the minority of the dining public. “Everybody here wants lemon with their water”.

I think that this is a conspiracy by the Lemon growers to sell more lemons. They are in big competition with the Lime growers. As we all should know, limes are essential in many alcoholic beverages, such as a Gin and Tonic; whereas lemons are not. I’m told that limes also help to prevent scurvy. I’m not too sure about lemons having this medicinal value. I cannot recall anyone who drank beverages with lime ever getting scurvy.

Years ago, I asked my favorite waiter why he kept a teaspoon in his vest pocket. His explanation was that more teaspoons were knocked to floor than any other utensil on the dining table. He told me that he learned this from an efficiency expert, hired by his restaurant, to speed up the service process. Again, wasted time and wasted steps. It made sense to me.

On my next visit to the restaurant, I noticed that he had a piece of string hanging out of his fly in his Tux pants. I mentioned this to him. He said “yeah, I know”. It seems that the same efficiency expert noted that it took too much time for the waiters to wash their hands after using the restroom. Too much time away from their tables and their customers. He suggested that they tie a string on their penis so they could pull it out without using their fingers and therefore eliminate the necessity of washing their hands afterwards and get back on the Dining Room floor as soon as possible.

I pondered this for a moment, thinking that it was a really great idea. Then I asked “how do you get it back in your pants?” He just smiled and said “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the Teaspoon”.

The Beach Bum