Turning My Brain into a Mass of Creamy Goo

On Super Bowl Sunday, the premier date for some of the better television commercials that we will see all year, the pickings were sparse. Bad economy, I suppose! However we were treated to a good game and, in my opinion, an above average half-time show.

The Monster.com Moose commercial was by far the best. The second best featured Alec Baldwin as an Alien touting Hulu.com. I had never heard of Hulu so I checked it out. Hulu features television programs with minimal commercial interruptions. Most of what I saw (that was available) was newer programming in which I have no interest. I departed the site.

Last month I saw a new Hulu.com commercial featuring Seth MacFarlane (the creator, animator and actor on one of my favorite television programs – Family Guy) as another alien trying to turn our brain’s gray matter into a mass of creamy goo matter, by allowing us to watch television programming on the internet.

Earlier this week I returned to Hulu. This time I decided to use “my head for something more than a hat rack.” I used their website search option. I love animated programs (Cartoons) and my all time favorite is a Jay Ward series called Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (later named Bullwinkle and friends). The cast was made up of old Stan Freberg alumni doing the voices of the main characters and William Conrad (radio’s Matt Dillion - Gunsmoke) as the narrator. During that time it was cutting edge humor geared at adults and teens.

Much to my surprise Hulu had it; the full first season of Rocky. I’ve watched 15 episodes from Rocky’s first season since last Tuesday. Each show is uncut (except for the original commercials) and lasts about 26 minutes (including about 4 – 30 second or less modern commercials; which are not of the obnoxious variety).

Then I started to think (a dangerous thing for me to do), if they have Rocky they may also have one of my all-time favorite sitcoms; McHale’s Navy. And they do and I have watched the first 15 episodes of that series. I can’t wait to go back to Hulu and search for more of what I call classic television programming.

So what if it’s turning my brain to mush and goo. At least I am returning to the “Golden Days of Yesteryear”.

The Beach Bum

A Good Interview - A Great Baseball Player

Last Monday night I watched an interview on ESPN. The interviewer was Peter Gammons. I don’t particularly like Peter Gammons, but I do respect him for his knowledge of the game of Baseball. He is extremely perceptive; however he comes off as being very dry when making his comments.

Monday night’s interview was with Alex (A-Rod) Rodriguez of the New York Yankees. I have always been an A-Rod fan and in my opinion he is currently the best player in Baseball. Many other Baseball fans share this opinion. He is a team player, rather than being someone like Barry Bonds; who tended to look at his teammates as a supporting cast for his show.

The last time that I went to Tropicana Field (St. Petersburg), several years ago, was not to see the Rays play, but to see Alex Rodriguez play. I can’t stand the Trop; it’s a crappy Ballpark. Many others came to the Ballpark that night and the three game series with the Yankees set a record in attendance for a three game series.

The subject of the Monday night Gammons’ interview with Alex Rodriguez, was centered on his taking of performance enhancing drugs during the three years that he played for the Texas Rangers. He tested positive in 2003.

A-Rod said that he took them because of the pressure to perform up to the expectations of the fans and the Texas Rangers management (he had just signed a 10 year contract for $252 million – the highest paid Baseball player ever). He also said that he stopped taking performance-enhancing drugs in 2003 and that he has not tested positive since Major League Baseball began penalties for testing positive in 2004.

I looked up his career Stats on Baseball-Reference.com. From 1998 though 2000 A-Rod hit 125 Home Runs while playing for Seattle. In his three years with the Rangers he hit 156 Home Runs. However he played 47 more games in those three years than he had in the past 3 years with Seattle. Not to mention the fact that playing 81 games per year in Texas (historically) helps the player’s Slugging Percentage and Home Run production.

A-Rod never specifically said what he was taking and where he got it. He did however say “Back then, you could walk into GNC and get four or five different products that would probably trigger a positive test.” He also intimated that many other players were doing the same as he did, when he said “The culture was pretty prevalent.”

I hope that this doesn’t blemish Rodriguez’s accomplishments. He had the guts to tell us about his drug use and he also apologized to his fans and to all baseball fans, for falling into a trap.

Instead of diminishing my admiration for A-Rod, the interview increase my appreciation of him as a player and a person.

The Beach Bum

I Love Denny Crane - Ergo - I Must Love Myself

I spoke to two friends last night, one was a friend from my days (and nights) spent at Kagnew Station in Asmara, Eritrea and the other was with a young friend (53 years old) who lives in the western Chicago suburbs.

The second conversation consisted of reminiscing about people and events that happened more than 40 years ago. Old Army buddies tend to do that sort of thing. Inevitably the conversation will turn to our current ailments and how nice it was to be young and indestructible. That and the weather are the primary topics of conversation when people over 60 shoot the bull on the phone.

The earlier conversation with my young friend from Chicago was of a different nature. He had called me on Wednesday night, but I didn’t answer the telephone because I was watching Boston Legal on the ION Network and was totally engrossed in the episode. I could have put it on pause on the TIVO, but I didn’t.

I returned his call early last night, as I knew that he would be going to our favorite Forest Park watering hole at 8. We talked about the Chicago Cubs and Baseball in general. He mentioned that he was planning a trip to Florida (Clearwater) in March and that perhaps we can get together during that time.

He then asked me why I didn’t answer his call on Wednesday night.

(Since this is not a verbatim conversation there are no quotation marks).

He Sez – Were you out getting laid?
I Sez – No, I was watching Boston Legal!
He Sez – It’s been cancelled.
I Sez – It’s in syndication on a local channel (Six episodes -in order- per week).
He Sez – I’ve watched it from the beginning, it’s a good show.
I Sez - I didn’t start watching it until 7 or 8 weeks ago. I really like the show, I especially like the William Shatner character Denny Crane.
He Sez – That doesn’t surprise me.
I Sez – Why?
He Sez – Because you are Denny Crane! You like yourself.
I Sez – I’m not wealthy and I’m not a Lawyer.
He Sez – No, but you have all of his other attributes.
I Sez – What do you mean?
He Sez – You’re biased, bigoted, a lecher, a cavorter, a philanderer and a homophobe. You’re over opinionated and you don’t care whose feelings you hurt. However, you never let your friends down and everyone of your friends respect and tolerate you for that reason. That is why you are Denny Crane. And that’s probably why you like yourself.
(After a short pause, while I was thinking of a good comeback).
I Sez – So what do you think about the Cubs chances of going to the World Series this year?

The Beach Bum

Paying Your Fair Share

For several years a good friend has been telling me to watch a television series named Boston Legal. He told me that I would like it. I said OK, but never did watch it. I rather wait until a program goes into syndication (if it’s good it will). This way I can see several episodes each week or even each day.

Last week on a local Tampa Bay TV channel I watched an episode of Boston Legal. It was a second season (2006) episode named “Stick It”

In this episode the William Shatner character (Denny Crane), said to the James Spader character (Alan Shore) “Do you have any idea what would happen if the little people stopped paying their taxes?”

Shore answered “The rich people would have to start paying theirs.”

Crane responded “exactly.”

This is the same thinking that got us into our current bailout mess. Let’s screw the little people. And by little people I mean the people that are 90% or more of the working population (many of whom are now unemployed).

In the early 1990’s a friend from the 1960’s wrote a book titled “Beyond Revolution”. He advocated that we not pay our Federal Income Taxes. He was a hypocrite because he always paid his taxes. But it was a good concept.

In the mid 1970’s I wrote a thesis concerning the dissolution of the IRS and replacing it with a Federal “Ad Valorem” Tax. This was not a fresh idea, as there have been proponents of a graduated user tax for decades before I wrote my paper. I just had a different approach to the subject (300 plus pages worth).

I could write about this topic, ad infinitum, but I won’t because I am currently in a state that is commonly referred to as being “half in the bag” (so please forgive my bad grammar). It’s rapidly closing in on midnight (the point at which the reasoning part of my brain no longer functions), and the time that I usually fall into “the arms of Morpheus”.

The Beach Bum

Political Infomercials - What Next?

The Tampa Bay Rays lost the MLB World Series last night. It was a continuation of the Tuesday night suspended game. I would have liked to have seen them win and bring the games back down to Tropicana Field.

But that’s not what this Blog is about.

Before the game last night there was a Barack Obama infomercial on Fox and several other networks. As a general rule I do not watch television news, talk shows or Presidential Debates. I’m one of those old fogies who prefer to read the news or the transcripts of talk shows and debates.

Last night I made an exception to the general rule. The people that put this together for Obama did a superb job. I was impressed with the production quality, the message (although it was somewhat depressing) and Barrack’s oratorical abilities.

Senator Obama didn’t directly address the issues, but he made it clear in which direction he would be heading if elected President. He was telling us about the problems but offered no direct solutions.

The infomercial was geared towards the middle class common man. The underlying message was that he was a man of the people and that he would work for the people. I’ve heard this message before. The one time that I believed the message was when a young Democratic Senator from Massachusetts told us that it was a time for change, a time to give America back to the people.

He tried and look what happened to him. Every time that I think about John F. Kennedy, I cry, which I am doing as I finish this Blog.

The Beach Bum

Let the Games Begin

Yesterday I watched all three MLB Playoff games on WTBS. I was disappointed with the outcomes, but not the least bit surprised. All three of the teams that I wanted to win, lost. This is one of the reasons that I do not bet on sporting events.

Being a lifelong Cubs fan the most disappointing game was the Cubs/Dodgers. The Cubs starting pitcher Ryan Dempster had the best regular season home pitching record (14-3) in the National League. He averaged 3.3 walks per 9 innings pitched this season and .3 home runs (6) per game started (20) at Wrigley Field. So what happens? Dempster gives up 7 walks in 4 and 2/3 innings and dishes up a Grand Slam. Seeing this happen, the Cubs bats go silent for the remainder of the game.

I didn’t think that the Brewers would beat Cole Hammels, but I can hope, can’t I. I dislike the Phillies, or should I say that I dislike their fans. This dates back to the 1980’s when I went to see the Cubs play the Phillies at Veterans Stadium (I was living in Maryland at the time). I, of course, was cheering for the Cubs and was surrounded by Phillies fans. The language aimed towards me and my friends (one female) would make a sailor blush. But this didn’t stop me from rooting for my team. What followed then was a threat; that if I didn’t shut my trap, it would be shut for me. We left our good seats and moved to seats where there were no other people. I never went back to the Vet. Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, Bullshit.

The last game of the night was the Angels/Red Sox. This was the best game that I watched yesterday. Both starting pitchers pitched excellent games. Lester pitched a fantastic game. I was favoring the Angels because I like their manager Mike Scioscia. I liked him as a player (Dodgers) and I like him as a manager. Of course I should be rooting for Boston. Because if the Rays beat the White Sox in the Divisional series, I think that they would stand a better of going to the World Series by playing Boston.

This puts me in a quandary. Who should I cheer for this afternoon when the Rays play the White Sox? When I moved to Florida the Rays became my second team (I've watched more than 100 of their games this year), when I lived in Maryland it was the Orioles. But I’m originally from Chicago and I always cheer for Chicago teams. It’s going to be a tough call that I’ll make a game time.

As far as a prediction as to who will win the divisional series and who will go on to the League Championship, I rather not say, for fear that I jinx the teams that I am pulling for. Like most true Cubs fans I am very superstitious about making a prediction.

Yesterday, one of my favorite Bloggers , The Curmudgeon, wrote two Baseball Blogs and made his predictions for divisional series. I hope that he isn’t right!

The Beach Bum

Equal Pay

After watching the Ballgames yesterday I change channels to TMC in time to catch the ending of the African Queen, ate supper and took a late afternoon nap. When my daughter awakened me, I put the boob tube back on to see if there were any good movies on the commercial free cable channels.

There was nothing worth watching that I hadn’t seen at least 20 times. There are some movies that you can watch 100 times, none of them were on last night. I noticed that there were 5 episodes of House, MD on the USA Network. I’ve seen most of the episodes at least once, but even with all of the commercials they are worth watching a second or third time.

In the first set of commercials, there were two for other USA programs and one PPA (see yesterdays Blog below). The PPA was for Barack Obama. It showed several clips from his speeches and was obviously directed towards women voters. In the AD he repeats twice “Equal pay for equal work”. I am sure that he was targeting Senator McCain’s opposition to Senator Edward Kennedy’s Bill proposal in the Senate last spring.

McCain said “I am all in favor of pay equality for women, but this kind of legislation, as is typical of what’s being proposed by my friends on the other side of the aisle, opens us up to lawsuits for all kinds of problems, this is government playing a much, much greater role in the business of a private enterprise system.” Spoken like a true Republican!

Politically I am what is called a Conservative Liberal. But I do not agree with Kennedy’s proposal. On the other hand, I also do not agree with Senator McCain’s retort.

I do agree with equal pay for equal work. But what does this phrase actually mean?

For example, if I am making widgets and a fellow employee is also making widgets and we are both getting the same amount of pay per hour that is equal pay for equal work. However, if I am making an average of 2 more widgets per day than my fellow employee, shouldn’t I be making more money per hour?

Let’s take this one step further. Let’s say that my fellow employee is a minority or a woman. And that my employer is an Equal Opportunity Employer. A widget making supervisory position becomes available. Although I am more qualified for the position because I can teach the other employees how to make more widgets per hour, the other employee gets the job because of their minority status. The other employee, now my supervisor, is now earning about 50% more then I am earning. Plus has a much easier job than I have.

A year later I still making widgets, but my piece count has improved by 1 more widget per day. A managerial position opens in the front office and my supervisor, who once was my widget making co-employee, gets the job (because upper management needed a minority in the front office) with a hefty increase in pay. This leaves the supervisory position open, but I get passed over again because the company needs a minority supervisor.

Now let’s go into the real world!

I have a friend that was a High School teacher in Maryland. Although he was more qualified, he was passed over twice for an administrative position within the school system. Why? Because they needed a minority person as an administrator. He went on to get his second Masters Degree, this time in Library Science and is now making more money as a College Liberian than he would have as a High School administrator. He sez “there is a way to beat the system if you try.”

Equal pay for equal work is a good idea, but as George Orwell wrote in Animal Farm, “All animals are created equal” but some of them are more equal than others.

The Beach Bum

Mindless Drivel

With the Presidential Election coming in less than 40 days, we are being bombarded with Paid Political Announcements (PPA) on television. I don’t watch a lot of television (except for baseball games) and yet I saw at least a dozen or more yesterday in 8 viewing hours.That is almost as many as the GEICO and AFLAC (I like the Duck but detest the Lizard) commercials that I had seen.












I really don’t see the need for PPA’s. Are we so shallow that we need to be reminded what the candidates stand is for or against any issue? Do we really need Barack to remind us of what John said and vice versa? Even those people that do not read the newspapers know what’s happening from watching television news. Unless you live in a cave (and some my friends claim that I do) you have many television news channels that you can view.

PPA’s are a waste of money. In my opinion most television commercials are insulting to our intelligence and a waste of money. My buying habits (or voting habits) have never changed because I saw a good commercial. But they pay for the programming that I watch and therefore I endure the mindless drivel. What happened to all those good commercial from the 1960’s and 1970’s? I didn’t buy the products, but at least I enjoyed some of the commercials and didn’t feel compelled to leave my chair and go to the Kitchen or Bathroom.

I am The Beach Bum and I approve this message!

Bad for Baseball

I’ve been reading a lot about what Suze Orman said on the Oprah Winfrey show the other night. I rarely watch talk shows or television news programming, especially the ones with political agendas.

Plus I do not particularly like Suze Orman although I have never seen her program. But the mere mention of her name makes me quiver.

There are many reasons why I should like Suze. We were both born in hospitals on Chicago’s southwest side. I was born at Saint Anthony’s Hospital and she was probably born at Mount Sinai Hospital about 3 blocks north. We share the same Birthday (I’m a few years older/OK a several years older). Her nickname Suze (Susan) is the same nickname that I gave my sister (Suzanne) many years ago. She is an economic liberal (same as me). She can be pompous at times in her writings (I’ve read two of her books – both given to me as gifts). I’m told that I am a very pompous person. And she is a Lesbian; I like lesbians, in particular, if I get to watch.

So why do I dislike Ms. Orman?

It’s my wife’s fault. She lives in Maryland and I live in Florida (some of my friends have called it the ideal marriage). But it never fails that when I am watching a baseball game or something important like that, she calls to tell me to tune into the Suze Orman Show. If I don’t do it immediately she gets nasty and I have to listen to a 10 minute lecture. If I pretend to change the channel, I get a 10 minute recap of what I missed earlier. After I say “OK, I can’t hear the program, I have to go/talk to you later” about 5 times, I finally hang up.

Suze Orman is bad for Baseball!

The Beach Bum

I Missed Number 7

To say the least, I was extremely aggravated last night. My hostility stemmed from the fact that four of the major Sports sites that I visit (including Cubs.com) said that the Cubs would be on WGN last night. My cable company disagreed and they were correct. No Cubs on WGN (at least not here in Florida).

I have seen my fair share (more than in a normal year) of Cubs games this year. So I shouldn’t be complaining.

But I am, because Cubs "Pitching Ace" Carlos Zambrano pitched a no hitter last night and came very close to pitching a perfect game.

No hitters are very rare. In my lifetime (and I’ve seen thousands of baseball games) I have seen six No Hitters. I’ve seen one in person (Nolan Ryan at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore – June 1975) and the other five on television. One of the others was a perfect game thrown by Sandy Kofax against the Cubs. But I’ve have never seen a Cubs pitcher throw a no hitter.

I feel that a No Hitter is far more enjoyable to watch than a Slugfest. In modern day Baseball, where complete games and shutouts have (due to pitch counts) become a rarity, the no hitter is the ultimate pitching feat.

A tip of my hat goes out to Carlos as well as Geovany Soto who called the game. If Soto previously wasn’t a cinch for NL Rookie of the Year, he now is. He might even be in contention for the league MVP.

Go Cubs Go!

The Beach Bum

Magical Mystery Memories

Yesterday afternoon I watched a movie on IFC (Independent Film Channel) that I hadn’t seen since the summer of 1964. It was the last movie that I had seen with the first “Love of My Life”.

We traveled by El to Downtown Chicago to catch the matinee showing of the movie. I believe that it was playing at the old United Artists Theater on Randolph and Dearborn, across from what is now call the Richard J. Daley Civic Center.

The theater had about 1700 seats and was more than half full when we arrived (it was almost at capacity when the Movie started). I couldn’t get an aisle seat (my preference) in a desirable location, but we were dead center screen about half way between the screen and the last row of seats.

The average age of the audience was probably 16 years old or less. I was one of the oldest people there except for some parents that had brought their children to see the movie. Although it was filmed in Black and White it was thoroughly enjoyable and I never left my seat (no need for that aisle seat).

The following summer I saw the four stars of the movie live in concert at Comiskey Park with the second “Love of my Life”. Our seats were in the upper deck with a very good view of the stage on the infield. I enjoyed the movie much more than I did the thirty minute concert; you could hardly hear the Beatles sing with all of the girls screaming.

The movie, of course, was A Hard Day’s Night. And I sincerely feel that it was much better than the Beatles follow up movie (filmed in color) Help!, which premiered in Chicago about a week or so later. In watching "A Hard Day's Night" you get the feeling that you know these four guys. They are regular people, they are just like you, but celebrities.

I was and still am a big fan of the Fab Four. I have every album (vinyl) that they made before they broke up as a group. This includes two versions (British and US) of “With the Beatles”, "Introducing the Beatles" and “Sgt. Pepper”. Plus I have a few compilation CD’s.

My friend and former neighbor, fellow Chicagoan, Dave Corzine put them all on audio cassette tape in 1979, it was great listening to them all again.

I will never forget the Beatles and the impact (through their music) that they made “In My Life”. The third “Love of my Life”, later to become my one and only wife, enjoyed the Beatles as much as I did.

Thank you IFC for bringing back such great memories!

The Beach Bum

A Labor of Love

In 1969, the same as in 2008, Labor Day was celebrated on September First. Although the Autumnal Equinox is 2 plus weeks away, Labor Day is considered to be the official end of the summer season.

The “Summer of ’69” evokes many special memories. I was in the last year of my four year enlistment in the US Army and stationed at Fort Meade in Maryland. I was living off-post in an apartment complex in nearby Laurel, Maryland with three former members (civilians) of my unit. Our apartment was the ultimate party mecca. The focal point of our living room was a wall rack stereo system and a three keg beer cooler. It was more like a Frat House than an apartment.

They call the summer of 1967 “The Summer of Love”, but for me it was the summer of 1969.

We would have theme parties (e.g. the Moon Walk party in July) at lease once a month and sometimes more often. It wasn’t unusual for 60 people to crowd into a 860 sq ft apartment on a Saturday night. The liquor and the beer flowed and the young ladies were hot to trot.

We had a diverse crowd, but mostly, military personnel and Government employees predominately from Intelligence and Law Enforcement Agencies working in the Washington DC area.

Our last party during the summer of love was held on the Saturday before Labor Day. It was our farewell to summer party. Without knowing it, at the time, I would meet my future wife at this party. She came with the girl that one of my roommates was seeing at the time. Being the perfect host, I offered her a drink and then roamed off to find the girl that I was sleeping with at the time, never getting her the drink that I promised.

The mornings after were usually brutal. The place would be a disaster and bodies could be found just about everywhere (on and under furniture).

One of my roommates had awakened before I had and had brewed some coffee. I grabbed a cup and sat down in the living room. He was watching TV; it was a telethon for MDA featuring Jerry Lewis. By noon all of the roommates (as well as left over guests) had risen and were watching the telethon. We decided to take up a collection and make a pledge. We later collected (from our friends) more money than our original pledge.

This afternoon, after the Cubs game on WGN, I saw that Jerry was still doing the telethon. He looked very old and haggard, and spoke with a voice more raspy than mine. For Jerry this is truly a “labor of love”. God Bless Him.

The Beach Bum

Obama on Baseball

The other night on ESPN’s Sports Center they showed a taped interview with Presidential hopeful Barack Obama. The interview took place when Obama was campaigning in North Carolina last week.

I was half in the bag when it aired and was hoping that they would replay it again. I do recall that I didn’t like some of the comments that Barack made about my favorite Baseball Team; The Chicago Cubs.

Today I watched the interview again on ESPN.com. I also read the transcript of this interview. The interviewer was ESPN’s Stuart Scott.

When Scott asked Obama who he would root for if both the Cubs and their South Side rivals, the White Sox made it to the World Series. Obama replied, ““Oh, that's easy. White Sox. I'm not one of these fair weather fans. You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball. Southside.”

This is not out of the ordinary for a comment that is usually made by a Chicago White Sox fan. Sox fans constantly berate Cubs fans.

It is sour grapes!

C’mon Barack, “Fair weather fans”, my ass. Even in losing seasons the Cubs will pack the ballpark, while the Sox are lucky to get 70% of the ballpark filled during a winning season; and the Sox play predominately night games at home.

“You go to Wrigley Field; you have a beer, beautiful people up there.” What is he saying? Is it that they don’t have beer and beautiful people at US Cellular Field? The last time that I was at a Sox game (it was Comiskey Park at the time) I saw 4 beautiful people being escorted from their seats for overt intoxicated behavior. And let us not forget the “Disco Demolition” which caused the White Sox to forfeit the second game of a double header in the 1970’s.

Beer and baseball seem to go together like peas and carrots (or maybe, I should say like peanuts and Cracker Jack).

Then Barack sez “People aren't watching the game. It's not serious.” Sir, I beg to differ! All of the Cubs fans that I am acquainted with are avid baseball fans as well as Cubs fans. They can rattle off stats better than most commentators do. They know the standings in both Leagues and they watch games of other teams besides the Cubs.

Perhaps what Mister Obama is referring to is what he sees on the camera shots of the fans at Wrigley Field. He has obviously never been to Wrigley, so all that he knows is what he sees on television (a common thing for people in his age group).

I have a friend that has had season tickets at Wrigley for more than 30 years. He told me that he sells more than half of them to Barack’s “beautiful people”. Cub’s tickets have a great resale value and for the past ten years he has made a profit over what he paid for the season tickets plus what has spent on the games that he attended.

I want to hear any White Sox fan say that!

The Beach Bum

Advocating Unsafe Sex

During the past few months I been viewing a commercial, actually there are at least 4 different commercials in the group, on a variety of television programs that I watch. And no, it’s not the ubiquitous Caveman series from GEICO.

I am not a mainstream television viewer and I rarely watch programs that are on the major networks. My feeling is that if they are good programs they will end up in syndication on one of the cable channels that I watch. This way I can see a seasons worth of programs in 6 weeks.

So I don’t really know if the aforementioned series of commercials are played on prime time network TV. Nor do I know on what type of programs they are being aired. On the cable stations that I watch they really don’t seem to have a pattern and you can’t tell on which programs they will appear and who they are really targeting with the commercial.

The commercials are for a product called KY Yours & Mine. The theme is the same in all of the commercials; a couple sitting on a bed talking about the great sexual experience they are about to have. The latest one that I have viewed features a couple saying “let’s hurry before the kids get home”.

The couple then hold up two colored test tubes containing gels. The commercials then flash to an old black and white movie clip of an enthralled couple dancing. The final scene is of the elated couple lounging in bed. If I was having sex with someone other than myself, I’d be running down to the Walgreens to try this stuff out, and I’m not usually swayed by television advertising.

The problem that I have with these commercials is that they do not promote safe sex. Did I mention the fact that you cannot achieve the desired effect if you are wearing a condom? Although they always show a seemingly monogamous couple using their product and the implication is that it will bring new life into a relationship, I doubt that the majority of the users will fall into this category.

Let’s face it, if this product was on the market when I was young and sleeping around, I’d be in the Walgreens on a weekly basis. I’d like to see the demographics to whom and where this product is predominately being sold. I’ll bet that stores near college campus rank high on that list.

The Beach Bum

Living in the Past can be Funny

Yesterday afternoon the local PBS station aired two episodes of the Jack Benny program from the 1960’s. They conflicted with the Chicago Cubs vs. the Florida Marlins, so I recorded them – thank God for Tivo.

I never was a big Jack Benny fan, but when I was a kid we watched what our Dad watched. This was back in the Stone Age when the parents actually controlled what was viewed by the family on television. If you didn’t like your parent’s programming selections you could listen to the radio or read a book.


With the exception of Lawrence Welk on Saturday Night my parents viewing selections were, in my opinion, very good.

I watched the recorded Jack Benny shows this afternoon. These were not Jack Benny as his best.

However, the first program featured the Kingston Trio, one of my favorite musical groups from the late 1950’s and early 1960’s. This show was originally televised in January 1965 and I hadn’t seen it. By this time “The Trio’s” career was waning as the “British Invasion” had begun 2 years before and was flourishing on the pop music scene. The original group leader Dave Guard had left the Trio and was replaced by John Stewart.

The Trio preformed one of my favorites “Tijuana Jail” and Benny built a skit around the lyrics of the song. Mel Blanc (Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck/Speedy Gonzalez) was in the skit and played a “politically incorrect” prisoner in the Tijuana Jail. This was one of the highlights of the show.

This reminded me of why I really enjoy old television programs from the 50’s, 60’s and early 70’s. Most of them were “Politically Incorrect” and stereotyped Nationalities, Races and Religious groups. But it was all done for the sake of humor. If you can’t laugh at people that are different from you then you have to laugh at yourself. And that’s not funny!


The Beach Bum

Classic Movies

Yesterday was the 100th Anniversary of the birth of James Maitland Stewart better know to all of us as Jimmy Stewart.

In honor of this event Turner Classic Movies (TCM) had a Jimmy Stewart movie marathon. I spent the good portion of the day watching them. Jimmy Stewart is one of my all-time favorite actors.

I saw my first Jimmy Stewart movie when I was 10 years old, watching it on my parent’s 27” Black and White television. It was Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. At that time I had a short attention span for dramatic movies; I preferred Westerns and Comedies. I stayed riveted to the screen and got up only once during a commercial. My Mom and Dad were amazed.

Whenever I saw one of his movies listed in the TV Guide I’d try to cajole my Dad into watching it (back in the old days the parents controlled the television – not the children). As long as it wasn’t on opposite Lawrence Welk he usually acquiesced.

The first Jimmy Stewart movie that I saw in a theater was Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo. What a spell binding movie. At this time I became a fan of Hitchcock movies. This was also the first time that I saw a Jimmy Stewart movie in color.

After that I rarely missed any of his films.

TCM aired 4 of my 5 favorite Jimmy Stewart movies yesterday; the only one that was missing was The Cheyenne Social Club. I did however get to see 8 of my top 10. I had a great day of television viewing.

The Beach Bum

The Luck Of The Irish

Today was the celebration of the Feast of Saint Patrick. In Chicago they dyed the river green, had a major parade in downtown Chicago and then adjourned to the local bars to rejoice.

I don’t celebrate on Saint Patrick’s Day; I can get drunk on any day of the year without needing a reason to do so.

Here in Florida it is a big day for lawyers. Tomorrow they will be checking the Police blotters for DUI’s and then contacting potential clients. History shows that more DUI arrests are made on holidays.

In two days I will be celebrating the Feast of Saint Joseph, he was the husband of Mary, the mother of Jesus. He is the patron Saint of Workers as well as several European countries. The color associated with Joseph is red.

I digress!

Every Saint Patrick’s Day, I think of John Belushi and the Saturday Night Live Weekend Update on March 19th of 1977. The weekend update with Jane Curtin featured a segment about the “Luck of the Irish”.

The transcript of that portion of the show follows:

Jane Curtin: And now we come to St Patrick's Day and John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish.


John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much.

Well it's come that time again, St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and well the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, "Top of the morning to ya," "Kiss the barney stone," "May the road rise to meet ya," "May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you're dead," "I'd like to smash you in the face with my shalalee," "Danny-boy," "Bhagora," "Wail of the banshee," and "Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns." But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish.

The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let's say you're in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, "Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?" And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That's the luck of the Irish for ya, who's kidding who, okay?

Let's talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn't it? Well it should. That's why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn't have to work in the potato fields. That's why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.

I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he's Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It's his mother's funeral, that's all. And he's in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he's trafficking. I mean, here's this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he's sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that's not bad luck, that's DUMB luck.

I don't think luck has anything to do with it, I don't think he has any brains at all. First of all, he's drunk, then he's a junkie. I don't know what's worse. Don't ask me, ask Sullivan. And what happens? He calls me up and says, "Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail." I said, I said, "Five grand man!? Hey man, I've never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don't ask me for it, man, why don't you ask your mother!!" Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland. Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It's momma this, momma that. Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!!

Jane Curtin: Well, that's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

I have it on tape – you really had to see it to fully appreciate it.

The Beach Bum

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

I just read that a 30 second commercial during the Super Bowl will cost advertisers $2.7 million per showing. There will be at least 63 – 30 second commercial breaks during the game on February 3rd. Do the math, that’s over 170 million dollars spent to tout products and services that less than 10% of the 90 plus million viewers will buy or use.

But those 9 million people will spend a lot of bucks during the course of a year.

I actually enjoy watching good commercials. At times they are better than some of the programming on the boob tube. Supposedly the best commercials of the year will debut on Super Bowl Sunday. Mad Avenue has been working overtime and charging the advertisers top dollars to produce the best Super Bowl commercial.

Now the question is; who is paying for all this nonsense. As Gomer Pyle would say; surprise – surprise, it must be the consumer.

I’m against having Beer, Liquor and Tobacco commercials on television.

Why? Because I use these products and it will ultimately cost me more money to use them. The cost of these commercials is always passed on to the user. The Corporations don’t spend advertising money to lose money. So I must, therefore, avoid the use of these products that are advertised on Super Bowl Sunday. It's simple logic, just ask Mr. Spock.

Are you going to switch from Coke to Pepsi because of a good commercial? Will you buy a Pizza from Pizza Hut rather than Dominos because of a commercial? Will you switch from your favorite brands because you were amused for 30 seconds? I hope not.

I believe that the advertisers deem that we are all just sheep, and we will follow in the direction into which they lead us. That is, if they spend 2.7 million dollars for a 30 second commercial that amuses us or somehow gives us a warm fuzzy feeling.

It’s a bunch of Bullshit!

All television commercials cost consumers money in the long run.

I will watch and enjoy many of the commercials aired during the Super Bowl.

But I will also boycott all the products and services that are advertised on the Super Bowl.

By the way I will be cheering for the Patriots to win!

The Beach Bum

On Strike

My son-in-law was a bit upset this past Sunday because 3 of his favorite television programs were repeats (reruns). Of course, he is blaming the Writers Guild of America (WGA) for this travesty. They are on strike against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP).

I blame the AMPTP. From what I have read the writer’s demands are not that great. They just want a little more piece of the pie. Which in my humble opinion, they justly deserve. Many of these writers live off of residuals when they are not working. Unless they are writing for an on-going television series or talk show, they rely on this income to carry them through the lean times.

The writers see the “Fat Cat Producers” getting richer while they must eke out a living to stay solvent. This is a sad commentary. But it is true in every aspect of our lives. The rich always strive to become richer and keep others where they are (financially). This almost sounds like Karl Marx. And I am not a Marxist.

Although I was a union member (Retail Clerks and Druggist) in the 1960’s, I am basically against unions. Not to say that unions are not a good thing, but when they come to that certain point where they must demand more than what is deserved, just to justify what you’re paying in dues to them, they become a bad thing. However, this is not the current case with the Writers Guild.

One of my son-in-law’s Sunday night favorites is the Family Guy on Fox. I started to watch The Family Guy on a regular basis when I moved here to Nowhereville. I had probably seen 8 to 10 episodes before that time. I didn’t really like this program at first. The concept of a talking baby and a talking dog (who happens to be the most intelligent member of the Griffin family) seemed inane. Plus the animation leaves something to be desired (in the same vein, so did my all-time favorite – Rocky and Bullwinkle). The Family Guy is a good program, and I will enjoy watching the reruns (while the writers are on strike) that I had missed during the past 6 seasons.

The Beach Bum

Ernie

Today I read that there was a movie on the Hallmark Channel called “A Grandpa for Christmas”. It will be repeated again on the 30th of November. The review stated “A cheerful if woefully predictable holiday yarn that weaves in a couple of musical numbers and plenty of caroling to flesh out its 85 minutes, "A Grandpa for Christmas" is a true throwback, leading a wave of Hallmark Channel fare clearly designed to fill a niche the major networks have mostly abandoned.”

The Hallmark Channel is not one of the channels that I watch n a regular basis. Why? Please note that the movie run-time is 85 minutes. When placed in a 2 hour time slot this means 35 minutes of commercials or 17.5 minutes of commercials per hour. Considering that the first 20 minutes of the movie are usually commercial free, this leaves us with 35 minutes of commercials in 100 minutes (35% commercials and 65% movie). This means that there will be 7 minutes of commercials and 13 minutes of movie for every 20 minutes of programming.

As unbelievable as it may seem, I still would like to see this movie. It’s about children and old people, two of my favorite topics. But the main reason is the star of the movie; Ernest Borgnine. I didn’t even realize that he was still alive and still acting. This is ironic because I watched one of his earliest movies on TCM last night (From Here to Eternity) and wondered if he was still living.

My favorite Borgnine role was that of Quinton McHale on television. McHale’s Navy was one of the funniest programs in the early 1960’s. The crew of the PT-73 was a bunch of misfits that always came through in the end. The supporting cast was great; especially Tim Conway and Joe Flynn.

As bad as the review of “A Grandpa for Christmas" was and given the fact that it will be inundated with commercials, I will still be watching it this coming Friday. Just to see Ernie in what might be his final role.

The Beach Bum