She Looks Like a Butterfly but Stings Like a Bee

One of the headlines in yesterday’s St. Petersburg Times was “Prostitution Sting Nabs 10 in Clearwater.” The first thought that came into my mind was that they were cleaning up the streets before the Spring Breakers (Clearwater and Clearwater Beach are very popular Spring Break destinations) arrived. By running these sting operations it keeps the Hookers off of the streets for a while.

As I have stated before, I am for legalizing prostitution. I’m one of those people that believe that prostitution is a victimless crime (unless the prostitute has AIDS and doesn’t inform you of that fact). Obviously the City of Clearwater, Florida is also in favor of legalizing prostitution; just Google “Escort Services Clearwater Fl”. An Escort can cost as much as $400 per hour. Some even have a minimum of 3 hours.

There are also several (meaning more than 6) “Gentleman’s Clubs” in Clearwater; where you can get 4 to 5 minute semi-nude Lap Dances for about $25 to $35 a pop. If you are a high roller (5 lap dances plus extra tips), there is a good chance that you can set up a rendezvous for later that evening or the next day with your favorite dancer (future tip negotiated before services rendered). The guy says something like “What time do you get off tonight” or “What are you doing tomorrow” and then leaves his address or a hotel room number written on a cocktail napkin.

The girls that work for the escort services as well as the lap dancers are very attractive women. As a general rule, the girls that work the streets are, well, not quite that attractive. But they charge one hell of a lot less for services rendered. Seemingly there is nothing more appalling in the public eye than a cut-rate prostitute.

Last year there were several sting operations in Pinellas, Hillsboro and Hernando counties. The police go to areas that are known for having “Streetwalkers” and set up shop. They make it known (how, I don’t really know) to the real prostitutes that they will be working in that area for the weekend. So the real hookers stay home or work elsewhere.

Last fall a 6 day sting operation, in Hernando County, netted 16 guys looking for a little Nookie. One defendant’s Lawyer argued that it was entrapment, saying, that the officer dressed, sounded and acted like she was a prostitute. She walked up to his client, smiled and said Hi. She approached his client first, but he was the one to make the offer. If something looks, sounds and acts like a goat; it must therefore be a goat. Good argument, but faulty logic. But horny men do not act logically.

This past Sunday, there were 10 guys sitting in the Pinellas County Jail waiting for Monday’s arraignment. They were not so innocent victims of a victimless crime. I’ll bet that they were swearing off goats forever, or at least saving up their money for a Lap Dancer or an Escort.

The Beach Bum

Advocating Unsafe Sex

During the past few months I been viewing a commercial, actually there are at least 4 different commercials in the group, on a variety of television programs that I watch. And no, it’s not the ubiquitous Caveman series from GEICO.

I am not a mainstream television viewer and I rarely watch programs that are on the major networks. My feeling is that if they are good programs they will end up in syndication on one of the cable channels that I watch. This way I can see a seasons worth of programs in 6 weeks.

So I don’t really know if the aforementioned series of commercials are played on prime time network TV. Nor do I know on what type of programs they are being aired. On the cable stations that I watch they really don’t seem to have a pattern and you can’t tell on which programs they will appear and who they are really targeting with the commercial.

The commercials are for a product called KY Yours & Mine. The theme is the same in all of the commercials; a couple sitting on a bed talking about the great sexual experience they are about to have. The latest one that I have viewed features a couple saying “let’s hurry before the kids get home”.

The couple then hold up two colored test tubes containing gels. The commercials then flash to an old black and white movie clip of an enthralled couple dancing. The final scene is of the elated couple lounging in bed. If I was having sex with someone other than myself, I’d be running down to the Walgreens to try this stuff out, and I’m not usually swayed by television advertising.

The problem that I have with these commercials is that they do not promote safe sex. Did I mention the fact that you cannot achieve the desired effect if you are wearing a condom? Although they always show a seemingly monogamous couple using their product and the implication is that it will bring new life into a relationship, I doubt that the majority of the users will fall into this category.

Let’s face it, if this product was on the market when I was young and sleeping around, I’d be in the Walgreens on a weekly basis. I’d like to see the demographics to whom and where this product is predominately being sold. I’ll bet that stores near college campus rank high on that list.

The Beach Bum

Baby, One More Time

I received an email today directing me to the following Web Site:
Death Watch
This site is offering a prize to the person that correctly predicts the date and approximate time that Britney Spears will take her last breathes. My first reaction was – man, there are some really sick people out there. More than 1200 of them have made predictions and added comments to their predictions.

The friend that sent the email to me is not a Britney Spears fan (nor am I). We both agree that she has little talent and has become a spoiled rich kid. Five or six years ago my friend said that he wouldn’t even stick my penis in her vagina – or something to that effect. I said that “I would”, without thinking of the possible consequences.

Britney is what I deem to be a “nut case”.

I had a bad experience with a “nut case ” woman in the 1990’s.

She was young, very young (barely legal - I am six years older than her father), beautiful, intelligent and loved having sex. Possibly the perfect woman, unfortunately she was a “nut case”.

I should have known this from the onset of our relationship. She was the one that initiated our relationship, not me. I was flattered and enamored, plus the sex was great. Therefore I never heeded the warning signs. I let the “little head” do all the thinking for me. Did I mention the fact that she loved having sex.

Our affair lasted for five months. I reluctantly broke off our relationship because of her erratic (not erotic) behavior. One of my female roommates called her “The Psycho Bitch from Hell.” She was right. I should have known better. Any young woman that would chase after me, must be a little off center.

Back to Britney!

She really looks terrible in her latest photos. Like a grunge rock singer in a Death Metal band. She looks so bad that I wouldn’t put my friend’s penis in her vagina, let alone mine. And I am a horny old man.

I didn’t place a prediction on the site, but I believe that Britney will be in a better place within the next year. Whether she is living or not.

I wonder when someone will put up a Paris Hilton “Death Watch” site. I've seen "One night in Paris" and have decided that she is also a "nut case".

The Beach Bum

Die Hard - It's More Fun

Roughly 25 miles south of Nowhereville on US 19 is the town of Port Richey, Pasco County, Florida.

As in a many of Florida cities, there are strip clubs with naked dancing girls in Port Richey.

It’s not that I do not enjoy looking at naked women, which happens to be one of my favorite pastimes, next to Baseball, that is. I don’t want to pay to see them or have them sit (grind their butts) on my lap for a few dollars more. I've always been a man of action. And if I cannot complete the act, it is a waste of my time. It's like masturbation without the payoff.

Last Friday, at about 8 pm, a 28-year-old man went to the Brass Flamingo, an all-nude gentleman's club on U.S. 19.

I’ve never understood why they call them a gentleman’s club. The few times that I have been at one of these clubs, I noticed that, the male attendees have been far less than gentlemanlike. Of course the dancing girls were not too ladylike either.

The guy sat near the center stage to take in the entertainment.

One dancer named Vicky noticed he was spending money freely (probably sticking 5 and 10 dollar bills to his forehead), so she invited him to the "Champagne Room" for a private dance.

Of course, he accepted.

He then paid for one 30-minute dance, and then wanted another, and another. He probably had a 90 minute erection during this time.

The newspaper article went on to say that the private session lasted more than two hours. Vicky told the investigators that all the while, that he was "drinking heavily," At about 1 am., she asked some male employees (Bouncers) to move him to another room so he could sleep.

I read this as he either ran out of money, tried to get her to give him head or lay her, or he had already passed out from being over served.

Club employees checked on him periodically, according to an investigator's report. At 2 a.m., someone ( "Yo, this guy ain't breathing") had noticed he had no pulse and was not breathing. A manager called 911.
By that time he was already dead. I wonder if he Died Hard.

The Pasco County Sheriff's spokesman said there were no signs of foul play. Toxicology tests will be performed to determine his cause of death. The results could take up to six weeks; obviously they have no CSI technicians working for them. Vicky told investigators that she did “ (I did) not see him take any drugs”, he was just drinking mass quantizes of booze.

The Beach Bum

All We Need Is Love

From the Beatles Rubber Soul Album (1965):

In My Life

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Lyrics by John Lennon

I dedicate today's Blog to a friend and a former lover!

Two days ago I received a snail mail Christmas message from a former lover and very good friend. We split up as a couple nearly 20 years ago, but our friendship has endured the test of time. If I had been a better person, we might still be together today (read this as being married).

She has been sending me a Christmas letter every year since I have moved from Maryland to Florida in 1998. The letter is a recap of the year’s significant events in her and her son’s life. A Christmas photo of her and her son is also enclosed. She is a great mother (a single working mom, that hasn’t gotten didly squat in support from the boy’s father) and has taught her 12 year old son well. He has authored the well written Christmas letter for the last two years.

I called to compliment him on his writing ability on Tuesday afternoon. Actually I was hoping to speak to his mother about the enclosed Christmas photo. She wasn’t home!

I called again last night, spoke to her, and we had a 90 minute conversation. The Christmas photo was taken on the 11th of November. They both had attended the Bruce Springsteen concert that night in Washington, DC. I noticed that the tee shirt that her son was wearing was from the 1992 (No-Name backup band) Concert that we attended (I had bought 2 shirts – one for her and one for me). We were not together (as lovers) at this time. I was dating a younger woman and she had recently divorced her wife beating husband after a 9 month marriage.

She didn’t recall going to that concert, however she did recall attending the 1984 “Born in the USA” concert with me. It was her first Bruce Concert. She never had cared for his music before that time.

Last night I apologize for being the asshole that was during our relationship. She said “I loved you then, I still love you now and always will, you are my best friend”. I cried!

After we hung up the phone (both saying “I Love You” as our last words), I immediately thought of the Lennon Lyrics from the song “In My Life”.

The Beach Bum

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy.

I usually spend several hours a day reading the on-line editions of the Chicago Tribune, the Washington Post and the Saint Petersburg Times. This is a late breaking story that appears on the Web Edition of today’s Chicago Tribune:
“Prosecutors are seeking to have R. Kelly arrested after he failed to show for a hearing today in his criminal court case after his tour bus was delayed.”

Strange as it may seem, I know who R. Kelly is. My son introduced me to his music last year while he was living with me on Treasure Island.

But this was not the biggest story in today’s Tribune Entertainment section. The hottest story of the day was that Britney Spears' 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant.

“It was a shock for both of us (boyfriend, Casey), so unexpected," she said. Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday.

The younger Spears also stated "I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," …. "But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."

Their mom says that she cannot believe this happened because Jamie always respected her nighttime curfew. I guess that mom doesn't believe that teenagers would possibly have sex in the morning or afternoon. Before turning 18 years old, I never had sex after 7 PM. I didn't want to break curfew!

Finally we have found someone that makes less sense than Britney. There must be one hell of a bad gene pool in the Spears family. Some men will argue that good looks and no brains equals the perfect lover. Actually I prefer women with brains, but good looks and a shapely body are a bonus.

Jamie Lynn must not have been paying attention during her Sex Education courses in school. It’s very simple, if you want to have a sexual relationship (and which teen doesn’t) you must protect yourself against an unwanted pregnancy. If she wasn’t on the pill, and I assume that she wasn’t, she should have insisted that her boyfriend Casey Aldridge wear a condom while he was knocking bottom.

I don’t enjoy wearing condoms; therefore I had a vasectomy in 1984 to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. At that time, I was having wild sex, with a woman in her prime childbearing years, on a regular basis. She had told me that she did not want children and that she was on the pill. Not that I didn’t believe her, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

(A note to both Britney and Jamie – there is only one way that you can become pregnant) (Also I'm safe)

Also in the Chicago Tribune Entertainment news, and this is a big one; “NBC chose Michael Douglas as the announcer to introduce Brian Williams on the "Nightly News" each night. This is great news and I am sure thousands of Michael's fans will be tuning in to NBC tonight to hear his voice over.

As for all three of the above stories (news items); who the hell cares!


The Beach Bum

Holiday Shopping

There are just 11 more shopping days before Christmas. Surprisingly the Malls and Shopping Center’s parking lots do not seem to be that full.

Are we really in the recession that I keep hearing bantered about on the television news channels? Maybe everyone shot their wad on “Black Friday”. Or perhaps they have wised up and avoid the Malls and opt for on-line shopping. Most of the major retailers have a Web Site and many offer free shipping during the Holiday Season.

If you know what you want to purchase you can even shop for comparative pricing. But some people I know still enjoy going to the Malls and being jostled around, ignored by the sales staff, and wait in line to make their purchases.

My last trip to a Mall (The Annapolis Mall) at Christmastime was in the early 1990’s. It was on the 23rd of December; I’ve always been a Holiday shopping procrastinator. One of my female roommates (who disdained shopping more than I did) asked if I wanted to go to the Mall with her and I reluctantly joined her because I needed to buy a Music CD for my son.

We entered the Mall through a large Department Store. The place was packed with last minute shoppers and the lines at the registers were long. This bothered my roommate, as she was accustomed to doing most of her shopping at the 7-11 and our local Liquor Store. Too many people! Lions, Tigers and Bears, oh my! Malls can become overwhelming to the non-shopper.

So then my roommate said to me “why don’t we first mellow out with a few cocktails, before we start to shop.” This sounded like a great idea! We then sat at a Mall Restaurant Bar for the next 7 hours, discussing the affairs of the day. By this time, most of the stores in the Mall had already closed and we were both shit faced and talking about the possibility of having sex together. We called my other female roommate to come and get us and to bring us home. She was not too happy, but came to get us anyway. Of course, we were admonished for our bad behavior and we never copulated.

At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

The Beach Bum

Making Love to the One You Love Best

A German research paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine and Weekly World News said that men staring at women's breasts can in fact prolong their lives with years. "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

Weatherby goes on to say "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." She said that this was as healthy as going to the gym for 30 minutes daily and can prolonged a man's life by five years.

This is great news for thousands of males over the age of 55. Now we have a good excuse for viewing internet porn. We can now tell our wives or girlfriends that we are viewing nubile women with large breasts for health purposes.

Personally, I’m not a fan of large breasts; I’m more interested in viewing other parts of the female anatomy. Long legs and a nice round butt get me more sexually excited and aroused than looking at large breasts. I have never had an erection by just looking at a “D Cup” babe. On the other hand, touching those breasts is an entire different story.

What was not mentioned in the article that I read about this five year study of 200 male subjects is whether they masturbated or had sex after viewing these large breasted women. Sexual arousal is one thing, but without the payoff I don’t see the sense in getting aroused. Having an orgasm always gets my heart pumping and improves my blood circulation.

Well, it’s off to my favorite Porn Site to get my heart pumping. I’m now doing this to prolong my life. Rather than to just get an erection while looking at naked women, and then relieving my pent up sexual frustrations by hand. This action will also keep my prostate healthy.

The Beach Bum

Love Toys

David Levy, president of the International Computer Games Association and author of “Love and Sex with Robots,” claims that by the middle of this century, people will cultivate lasting relationships with robots.

Who is David Levy and why should we believe him?

David Levy has worked in the field of Artificial Intelligence since graduating from St. Andrews University, Scotland, in 1967. He led the team that won the 1997 Loebner Prize in Artificial Intelligence in New York. In 1968 Levy (who is an International Master and expert in computer chess) challenged four Artificial Intelligence luminaries to develop a computer program that could beat him at chess within ten years (he won the bet in 1978, but was eventually defeated in 1989). He has also authored “Robots Unlimited: Life in a Virtual Age” in 2005.

Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships is not as far fetched as one would imagine. My first thought was that this sounds like something from Star Trek: The Next Generation. If you recall LTC Data was an anatomically correct android and at one point in the series began to develop emotional bonds with his fellow crew members. I believe that he even had sex with one of them. Is this purely science fiction?

Its concept reminds me of two movies. The first movie Cherry 2000 stars Melanie Griffith as tracker trying to find a love robot for a lovesick guy that has broken his female robot. If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother. The second is Artificial Intelligence – AI by Director Steven Spielberg. If you haven’t seen this movie; shame on you.

Now David Levy tells us that not only will this be possible it will be probable. This is a great concept. Not only would it save a lot of money and heartache in divorce proceedings, but it would also reduce the world’s population. Unfortunately it will not occur in my lifetime. I was born about 40 years too early to reap the benefits of having a robotic lover.

But as my friend Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee sez; “Why worry about the future, the world as we know it will be ending in December 2012 (the end of the Mayan Calendar).

The Beach Bum

Quench Your Thirst

Somehow I forgot to finish writing this blog last February. At that time I was going through a tumultuous period helping my son prepare for his return to Maryland. I had pigeon holed it and forgot about it. Until today, while I was clearing unused files from my computer.

This is old news now, but I still believe that it is worth posting. Plus it saves me from using my brain and coming up with something fresh to post about. The file was last saved on 2-10-2007. Today, I have added one more paragraph and voila:

There is a new soft drink called Turn On that will be available in Grocery Stores soon. This soda was banned in both France and Denmark. Doctors have already warned that the drink is not for everyone. Children, pregnant women and people with high blood pressure and diabetes should avoid the drink. Does this not sound like the same warning on a Beer Can label?

Yet Turn On is a non-alcohol beverage and the warning on their label (please note that the O in the word on has both the symbols for Venus and Mars) states: "This beverage will arouse you." People who have tested the soda said that it tastes like cherry soda and works as an aphrodisiac. Now here is a great concept; a non-alcoholic beverage that will get you sexually aroused. No hangovers!

Men will be buying this stuff up in mass quantities. Not for themselves, but for their wives or female friends. “Care for another glass of soda, dear”? Most men don’t really need much to get them sexually aroused. I don’t have to look at porn to get aroused, just thinking about a naked woman does it for me. If younger women are in the same room with me I mentally undress them and subsequently get aroused. I can just imagine what would happen if I drank one of these sodas. Liquid Viagra!

I haven’t seen any Turn On available in my local stores yet, but I had forgotten about it and not really checked to see if it was there. If it’s there, I will by a case and take it on the beach with me the next time I go to ogle the “eye candy”. I can just hear myself now “Hey, pretty girl, would you like an ice cold Cherry Soda”.

The Beach Bum

Oral Sex

I have just returned back home from another week plus of dog sitting and I am now sifting through two hundred plus emails. One of these emails caught my eye immediately, so I decided to read it first. The subject was: “Oral Sex Causes Throat Cancer.”

I have now found that I have another health issue to be concerned about. Throat Cancer!

First, I must state that, I have always been a potentially high risk candidate for developing throat cancer because I smoke, drink alcohol and have an acid reflux problem.

An article on NewScientist.com states: “People who have had more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to have throat cancer than those who do not have oral sex”.

The article goes on to say that a new study suggests and the researchers believe this is because oral sex may transmit human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus implicated in the majority of cervical cancers.

This article is ambiguous as to gender, but from what I have read, I believe that the male is more at risk than the female (unless they are Lesbians).

I enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving. I have preformed oral sex with all of the women that I have been with during the past 30 years; this probably puts me over the 750% range of developing throat cancer.

Now, when I think about it, it’s no wonder to me, why I have a raspy voice, have been coughing more than normal and have had a constant mucous build up in my throat during the past 4 years. My Doctors keep telling me that these problems are caused by my incessant cigarette smoking habit. But I now know better. Because of my sexual habits I’m developing throat cancer.

The next time that I visit the VA Hospital I’ll have to ask them to do a Pap smear on my throat.

The Beach Bum

Sexual Healing

There is an article in the May issue of Cosmopolitan magazine called the "Secrets of Sexual Attraction" that attempts to explain why women are drawn to certain guys, and also why men are attracted to certain types of women. I didn’t read the article and probably won’t.

This morning Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief Kate White talked with CBS The Early Show co-anchor Julie Chen about the mysteries of sex appeal.

Kate White stated that there are four major types of sexual attraction: Instant Attraction, Opposites Attract, The Power of Scent and Slow-Burn Love. The most interesting of the four is “The Power of Scent”. The power of scent does not refer to the cologne that we wear or our normal body odors, but to our pheromones. White said "Well, it's not a scent we can actually smell, but we give off pheromones. They signal our reproductive potential. Other people pick them up from us and vice versa. You may find yourself attracted to a guy. You have no clue why. It's because on some level, you like his smell, his scent, and his pheromones."

I must have been putting out a lot of pheromones between 12 and 25 years ago. As women who were 12 to 21 years younger than me displayed an interest in having sex with me. I always thought that their interest in me was because of my agile mind and quick wit. They were all of prime “birthin’ babies” age, so I did the logical thing and had a vasectomy. This destroyed my relationship with two of these women after they discovered that I could not produce any more offspring. So there might actually be something to this Pheromone thing after all.

One of my former younger lovers had a subscription to Cosmo. I must admit that I love their cover girls and had occasionally read an article or two in each issue. Being a man, I rather look at the pictures. Pictures say 1000 words.

Look at the magazine cover above, the lead story is "Ten Things that Guys Crave in Bed". If a woman can not figure this out by herself she is in big trouble with the opposite sex. Normal men usually have only one thing on their minds when they are awake and in bed with a woman. And it is not what they will have for lunch tomorrow or a chocolate chip cookie.

Most of the articles in Cosmo are about finding and getting the right man, seducing the right man, keeping the right man, satisfying (I really liked these articles) the right man and tips on how to make yourself more attractive (via makeup and clothing) to the right man. In my opinion most of it is pure BS. I can't believe that intelligent women buy into this scenario.

I do believe that most of the Cosmo articles are written and edited by women who have no idea whatsoever about the male Psyche. I also believe that I am an average guy and that I think like an average guy. I know what I like. Years ago I read an article in Cosmo on how to “Keep Your Man Happy in Bed”. I was surprised at what I read. I don’t really remember what exactly was written on the subject, but I do recall it was incongruous with my thinking of a good time in bed.

To me it is a very simple process; I believe that a woman should initiate the process of making love, whether or not she is “in the mood”. Then you touch one another like it was the first time you have ever touched, whisper gently into your partners ear, kiss every part of you partners body and then have reciprocal oral sex. At this point you are making love and not just having gratuitous sex. You have to make it feel like the “First Time” every time. This applies to both men and women.

I remember the first love of my life; we never made love we just had sloppy sex. We were young and foolish and there were no magazines like Cosmopolitan to guide us in the right or wrong direction. Ignorance is bliss.

The Beach Bum

I Wish I Was Cary Grant

I did a very unintelligent thing last night. Lately I’ve been doing and saying a lot of stupid things. Sometimes I lose my sense of level-headedness and do these irrational things.

I haven’t had any female companionship for nearly one year. But this is not by chance, but by choice. I am very particular about the women with whom I share my time. Unfortunately, most of the women that I desire, have no desire for me.

Last night I was watching late night television and saw a commercial for E Harmony.Com over and over again. They do this often on late night/early morning Cable Television. Being the horny idiot that I am, I went to their Website and spent 20 or more minutes filling out their compatibility survey. I answered all the questions honestly. They almost promise to find a match for everyone based on compatibility. At least, that’s what the PHD, who is their spokesperson, says on their television commercial.

After I filled out all of their questionnaires, they said that I had no compatibility with anyone in their database. Maybe if I had lied, I would have had a better chance making a match on E Harmony. I wonder how many people do lie. E Harmony is very proud of their success rate of getting couples together. This is what they say this on their Television Commercials and on their Website.

Perhaps it was the fact that I stated that I was unemployed and was looking for a woman that was successful and made lots of money that disqualified me. Or it could have been that I confessed that I am a heavy drinker and smoker.

My other requirement was that she was 45 years old or younger. I am over 60 years old and do not lie about my age to a woman. Most women still guess that I am in my early to mid fifties. Fifteen years a go I had a lot of success dating younger women; some were even younger than my daughter. But that was fifteen years ago. when I was still in my 40’s and appeared to be in my thirties.

In 1965, Cary Grant married Dyan Cannon, who was 33 years younger than Cary. I’ve always said that I wished that I were Cary Grant. In an interview, Cary Grant once said "We all wish we were Cary Grant. Sometimes I wish I was Cary Grant." Cary Grant was the quintessential Ladies man and I had always envied Cary's way with women. I wanted to be Cary Grant, or at least to be his on screen persona. To this day, I still wish that I was Cary Grant.

The comedian Buddy Hackett often said that for every man, there is a woman; after that he would ask the audience,” Which one of you guys has two of them?” These are my sentiments exactly!

The Beach Bum

Double Dipping

While sifting through my email today, I found a link to an interesting BBC on-line News article. The article was titled “Condom testers required by Durex”.

“The condom maker wants a panel of 5,000 people who are single, married, or in couples to report their experiences of using its condoms and lubricants. Men and women of all ages, ethnic groups or sexual orientation have been asked to apply on its website” Durex.Com.

When I was a teen, I used a condom mainly for the purpose of preventing an unwanted pregnancy; I had seen the movie “Splendor in the Grass”. Back then we didn’t call them condoms; we called them rubbers or prophylactics. These packages of prophylactics said “For Prevention of Disease Only”.

While giving me the “birds and the bees” lecture, at age 15, my Dad, who was a devout Catholic, strongly suggested that I use protection. The word protection carried the connotation of wearing a condom. Dad never could speak the words rubber or prophylactic, as it was against the Catholic Church’s policy to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

I can remember buying my first pack of rubbers at a local drug store. At first, I was embarrassed to ask for them. I sat at the food counter in this drug store and ordered a soda while mustering up enough courage to walk up to the clerk and ask for them. My knees were shaking a little bit. “I would like a pack of ribbed Trojans” I said. The female clerk replied “3, 6 or 12”. I said “three for now". My face must have been as red as a beet. I made my purchase and exited the store very quickly.

I was sixteen years old and had been planning my first sexual encounter for months. Now I was ready, I had my protection. Unfortunately she wasn’t ready. Usually after some kissing and heavy petting, she would send me home sexually frustrated. I went through this for about 3 months before I was able to use one of those three rubbers; I only hoped that they hadn’t gone bad or had a hole in them. In the old days they were sheepskin not latex.

I don’t enjoy using condoms, I prefer riding, as they say, bareback. It feels much better to me. I’m not sure if it feels any different to a woman when a man is wearing a condom; I have never asked. But it does feel different to me. No matter how lubricated they are, condoms do not give me the same feeling as the real thing. The final result is the same, but the process is not as pleasurable. I guess that I have been lucky as I have never contracted a venereal disease.

Being a condom tester would be the perfect job for me. It would even be better if the condom manufacturer also provided a subject to perform these test with; preferably in her late teens or early twenties. At the same time I could moonlight, as Al Capp’s Li’l Abner did, as a mattress tester. It would be two great jobs in one.

The Beach Bum