Advocating Unsafe Sex

During the past few months I been viewing a commercial, actually there are at least 4 different commercials in the group, on a variety of television programs that I watch. And no, it’s not the ubiquitous Caveman series from GEICO.

I am not a mainstream television viewer and I rarely watch programs that are on the major networks. My feeling is that if they are good programs they will end up in syndication on one of the cable channels that I watch. This way I can see a seasons worth of programs in 6 weeks.

So I don’t really know if the aforementioned series of commercials are played on prime time network TV. Nor do I know on what type of programs they are being aired. On the cable stations that I watch they really don’t seem to have a pattern and you can’t tell on which programs they will appear and who they are really targeting with the commercial.

The commercials are for a product called KY Yours & Mine. The theme is the same in all of the commercials; a couple sitting on a bed talking about the great sexual experience they are about to have. The latest one that I have viewed features a couple saying “let’s hurry before the kids get home”.

The couple then hold up two colored test tubes containing gels. The commercials then flash to an old black and white movie clip of an enthralled couple dancing. The final scene is of the elated couple lounging in bed. If I was having sex with someone other than myself, I’d be running down to the Walgreens to try this stuff out, and I’m not usually swayed by television advertising.

The problem that I have with these commercials is that they do not promote safe sex. Did I mention the fact that you cannot achieve the desired effect if you are wearing a condom? Although they always show a seemingly monogamous couple using their product and the implication is that it will bring new life into a relationship, I doubt that the majority of the users will fall into this category.

Let’s face it, if this product was on the market when I was young and sleeping around, I’d be in the Walgreens on a weekly basis. I’d like to see the demographics to whom and where this product is predominately being sold. I’ll bet that stores near college campus rank high on that list.

The Beach Bum

Baby, One More Time

I received an email today directing me to the following Web Site:
Death Watch
This site is offering a prize to the person that correctly predicts the date and approximate time that Britney Spears will take her last breathes. My first reaction was – man, there are some really sick people out there. More than 1200 of them have made predictions and added comments to their predictions.

The friend that sent the email to me is not a Britney Spears fan (nor am I). We both agree that she has little talent and has become a spoiled rich kid. Five or six years ago my friend said that he wouldn’t even stick my penis in her vagina – or something to that effect. I said that “I would”, without thinking of the possible consequences.

Britney is what I deem to be a “nut case”.

I had a bad experience with a “nut case ” woman in the 1990’s.

She was young, very young (barely legal - I am six years older than her father), beautiful, intelligent and loved having sex. Possibly the perfect woman, unfortunately she was a “nut case”.

I should have known this from the onset of our relationship. She was the one that initiated our relationship, not me. I was flattered and enamored, plus the sex was great. Therefore I never heeded the warning signs. I let the “little head” do all the thinking for me. Did I mention the fact that she loved having sex.

Our affair lasted for five months. I reluctantly broke off our relationship because of her erratic (not erotic) behavior. One of my female roommates called her “The Psycho Bitch from Hell.” She was right. I should have known better. Any young woman that would chase after me, must be a little off center.

Back to Britney!

She really looks terrible in her latest photos. Like a grunge rock singer in a Death Metal band. She looks so bad that I wouldn’t put my friend’s penis in her vagina, let alone mine. And I am a horny old man.

I didn’t place a prediction on the site, but I believe that Britney will be in a better place within the next year. Whether she is living or not.

I wonder when someone will put up a Paris Hilton “Death Watch” site. I've seen "One night in Paris" and have decided that she is also a "nut case".

The Beach Bum

Die Hard - It's More Fun

Roughly 25 miles south of Nowhereville on US 19 is the town of Port Richey, Pasco County, Florida.

As in a many of Florida cities, there are strip clubs with naked dancing girls in Port Richey.

It’s not that I do not enjoy looking at naked women, which happens to be one of my favorite pastimes, next to Baseball, that is. I don’t want to pay to see them or have them sit (grind their butts) on my lap for a few dollars more. I've always been a man of action. And if I cannot complete the act, it is a waste of my time. It's like masturbation without the payoff.

Last Friday, at about 8 pm, a 28-year-old man went to the Brass Flamingo, an all-nude gentleman's club on U.S. 19.

I’ve never understood why they call them a gentleman’s club. The few times that I have been at one of these clubs, I noticed that, the male attendees have been far less than gentlemanlike. Of course the dancing girls were not too ladylike either.

The guy sat near the center stage to take in the entertainment.

One dancer named Vicky noticed he was spending money freely (probably sticking 5 and 10 dollar bills to his forehead), so she invited him to the "Champagne Room" for a private dance.

Of course, he accepted.

He then paid for one 30-minute dance, and then wanted another, and another. He probably had a 90 minute erection during this time.

The newspaper article went on to say that the private session lasted more than two hours. Vicky told the investigators that all the while, that he was "drinking heavily," At about 1 am., she asked some male employees (Bouncers) to move him to another room so he could sleep.

I read this as he either ran out of money, tried to get her to give him head or lay her, or he had already passed out from being over served.

Club employees checked on him periodically, according to an investigator's report. At 2 a.m., someone ( "Yo, this guy ain't breathing") had noticed he had no pulse and was not breathing. A manager called 911.
By that time he was already dead. I wonder if he Died Hard.

The Pasco County Sheriff's spokesman said there were no signs of foul play. Toxicology tests will be performed to determine his cause of death. The results could take up to six weeks; obviously they have no CSI technicians working for them. Vicky told investigators that she did “ (I did) not see him take any drugs”, he was just drinking mass quantizes of booze.

The Beach Bum

Quench Your Thirst

Somehow I forgot to finish writing this blog last February. At that time I was going through a tumultuous period helping my son prepare for his return to Maryland. I had pigeon holed it and forgot about it. Until today, while I was clearing unused files from my computer.

This is old news now, but I still believe that it is worth posting. Plus it saves me from using my brain and coming up with something fresh to post about. The file was last saved on 2-10-2007. Today, I have added one more paragraph and voila:

There is a new soft drink called Turn On that will be available in Grocery Stores soon. This soda was banned in both France and Denmark. Doctors have already warned that the drink is not for everyone. Children, pregnant women and people with high blood pressure and diabetes should avoid the drink. Does this not sound like the same warning on a Beer Can label?

Yet Turn On is a non-alcohol beverage and the warning on their label (please note that the O in the word on has both the symbols for Venus and Mars) states: "This beverage will arouse you." People who have tested the soda said that it tastes like cherry soda and works as an aphrodisiac. Now here is a great concept; a non-alcoholic beverage that will get you sexually aroused. No hangovers!

Men will be buying this stuff up in mass quantities. Not for themselves, but for their wives or female friends. “Care for another glass of soda, dear”? Most men don’t really need much to get them sexually aroused. I don’t have to look at porn to get aroused, just thinking about a naked woman does it for me. If younger women are in the same room with me I mentally undress them and subsequently get aroused. I can just imagine what would happen if I drank one of these sodas. Liquid Viagra!

I haven’t seen any Turn On available in my local stores yet, but I had forgotten about it and not really checked to see if it was there. If it’s there, I will by a case and take it on the beach with me the next time I go to ogle the “eye candy”. I can just hear myself now “Hey, pretty girl, would you like an ice cold Cherry Soda”.

The Beach Bum

Popping Pills

Yesterday, while shopping at my favorite store (At Cost Liquors), I ran into a female acquaintance that I hadn’t seen for nearly a year. In the past I had only seen her at night in the dimly lit Bar where I had been employed. She is 50 something and looks fairly attractive for her age. I had categorized her as an old broad, meaning a woman over 45 years old and therefore I never made any improper advances towards her.

I had never seen her in the daylight. Surprisingly she looked better in the daylight than she had in the bar. This is a rare thing, because bar lighting is set to make people more attractive then they really are.

There is an old bar saying “I never went to bed with an ugly person, but I have woke up with quite a few in my bed”. Fortunately I have only had this experience on one occasion. She wasn’t Coyote Ugly, but she was someone that I wouldn’t have approached if I had been sober.

I had walked to my favorite store and the woman offered to give me a lift home. I accepted. Reluctantly, I invited her into my apartment; she had asked “Can I help you carry that upstairs?” My place is such a mess and I don’t like members of the opposite sex seeing it this way. I haven’t dated in over two years. I believe that men in general will keep their domicile cleaned and neater when involved with a member of the opposite sex. Let’s face it most men are slobs by nature, we are Oscar Madison's not Felix Unger's. That’s why maid service is popular with single males.

I popped a couple of beer for us, giving her a glass. I mention to her that she was looking very good. She smiles. After about 15 minutes, I told her that she looks so different and I asked her if she has had a face lift;” You look ten years younger” I said! This is generally not a question that I would ask of a woman, but you must understand that I was under the influence of alcohol at this point in time.

She answers “Botox”. I had no idea what she is talking about, what the hell is Botox? She finished her beer and departed. We exchanged phone numbers.

Later last night I did a search on Botox.
From Wikipedia –
Botulinum toxin is a neurotoxin protein produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. It is one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world. Though it is highly toxic, it is used in minute doses both to treat painful muscle spasms, and as a cosmetic treatment in some parts of the world. It is sold commercially under the brand names Botox and Dysport for this purpose. The terms Botox and Dysport are trade names and are not used generically to describe the neurotoxins produced by clostridia species.

This scares me! I cannot believe that any sane person would take this drug, even if it would make them look younger and more attractive to the opposite sex. What Doctors would suggest these drugs (Botox or Dysport) to a patient? It seems that many Doctors are too swayed by the Pharmaceutical salesmen and will prescribe what I call the “Popular Drug of the Month” My local VA Hospital (Bay Pines) gives out Drugs like they are candy. I don’t use them, even if prescribed. My sister has taught me to use natural supplements, rather than take prescription medicines. I am not a healthy person. My bad habits prevent this. But the supplements that I am taking are keeping me alive and in relatively good health.

I wish that I could look younger and more attractive to younger women. But I’ll never take drugs to do so!

The Beach Bum

Sexual Healing

There is an article in the May issue of Cosmopolitan magazine called the "Secrets of Sexual Attraction" that attempts to explain why women are drawn to certain guys, and also why men are attracted to certain types of women. I didn’t read the article and probably won’t.

This morning Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief Kate White talked with CBS The Early Show co-anchor Julie Chen about the mysteries of sex appeal.

Kate White stated that there are four major types of sexual attraction: Instant Attraction, Opposites Attract, The Power of Scent and Slow-Burn Love. The most interesting of the four is “The Power of Scent”. The power of scent does not refer to the cologne that we wear or our normal body odors, but to our pheromones. White said "Well, it's not a scent we can actually smell, but we give off pheromones. They signal our reproductive potential. Other people pick them up from us and vice versa. You may find yourself attracted to a guy. You have no clue why. It's because on some level, you like his smell, his scent, and his pheromones."

I must have been putting out a lot of pheromones between 12 and 25 years ago. As women who were 12 to 21 years younger than me displayed an interest in having sex with me. I always thought that their interest in me was because of my agile mind and quick wit. They were all of prime “birthin’ babies” age, so I did the logical thing and had a vasectomy. This destroyed my relationship with two of these women after they discovered that I could not produce any more offspring. So there might actually be something to this Pheromone thing after all.

One of my former younger lovers had a subscription to Cosmo. I must admit that I love their cover girls and had occasionally read an article or two in each issue. Being a man, I rather look at the pictures. Pictures say 1000 words.

Look at the magazine cover above, the lead story is "Ten Things that Guys Crave in Bed". If a woman can not figure this out by herself she is in big trouble with the opposite sex. Normal men usually have only one thing on their minds when they are awake and in bed with a woman. And it is not what they will have for lunch tomorrow or a chocolate chip cookie.

Most of the articles in Cosmo are about finding and getting the right man, seducing the right man, keeping the right man, satisfying (I really liked these articles) the right man and tips on how to make yourself more attractive (via makeup and clothing) to the right man. In my opinion most of it is pure BS. I can't believe that intelligent women buy into this scenario.

I do believe that most of the Cosmo articles are written and edited by women who have no idea whatsoever about the male Psyche. I also believe that I am an average guy and that I think like an average guy. I know what I like. Years ago I read an article in Cosmo on how to “Keep Your Man Happy in Bed”. I was surprised at what I read. I don’t really remember what exactly was written on the subject, but I do recall it was incongruous with my thinking of a good time in bed.

To me it is a very simple process; I believe that a woman should initiate the process of making love, whether or not she is “in the mood”. Then you touch one another like it was the first time you have ever touched, whisper gently into your partners ear, kiss every part of you partners body and then have reciprocal oral sex. At this point you are making love and not just having gratuitous sex. You have to make it feel like the “First Time” every time. This applies to both men and women.

I remember the first love of my life; we never made love we just had sloppy sex. We were young and foolish and there were no magazines like Cosmopolitan to guide us in the right or wrong direction. Ignorance is bliss.

The Beach Bum

Sizing Things Up

One of the things that perplex me the most is the sizing of women’s clothing. Today a neighbor’s wife proudly said that she was down to a size 10. It sounded good to me, so I smiled and nodded in approval. Although I have no clue whatsoever as to what a size 10 is.

I recall that my wife was a size 5-7 Petite or sometimes a 4-6 Junior Miss. Also that my two former live-in lovers wore sizes 7 and 5 respectively. Why do I know this fact? They all had told me their sizes so that I could buy a present for them at either Christmas, their Birthdays or even just for the hell of it.

Buying a woman an article of clothing just for “the hell of it” is a very important thing for a man to do. Women tend to be more receptive to having sex after they have received a token of their male’s appreciation. Especially if this token is a gift of clothing. Clothes are better than flowers. Flowers wilt and die. Clothes can hang in a closet for an eternity.

Therefore, I do have a notion about the sizing of women’s clothing . The sizing numbers are there to confuse their husbands and boyfriends, especially the one’s that are fool enough to attempt the purchase a piece of apparel for their lover. However it is the thought that counts.

Unfortunately, the stupid male will usually purchase something that he likes and not what she likes. Plus it is usually the wrong size. This also gives his woman even greater pleasure. Not only is her lover an idiot, albeit a caring idiot, but he has now given her an excuse to go shopping.

Now she can go to the store where the gift was purchased and return the item for something that she really wanted and to also buy some other things which she desperately needed. The male gave her a valid excuse to do so and cannot complain when she returns home with her purchases. She is happy and they have great sex that night.

The great sex that he had the night after his purchase now lingers in the male’s mind. The male now associates any article of apparel that he had purchased for his woman with having good sex (is there bad sex for a male?). This provokes the male to make these purchases more often. This is why you do not see very many commercials for Women's Clothing on television.

After a while the male finally realizes that no matter what he purchases for her, it will be returned. At this point, size no longer matters and the more expensive and garish the attire the better. It will be going back to the store anyway and they will have great sex that night after she returns from her shopping spree.

This is probably why most males, like myself, do not care to understand the sizing of women’s clothing. We just smile and nod our heads.

The Beach Bum