You Deserve a Break Today

I am writing this Blog at the risk of offending/alienating several (4 to 6) friends and semi-regular readers (of this Blog) who live in Wisconsin.

Last week I read a news item about a man from Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin. The 54-year-old man, Don Gorske, says his obsessive-compulsive disorder drove him to eat 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years. That averages out to be about 1.75 Big Macs per day; he has eaten as many as 5 per day.

MacDonald’s Headquarters should be sending him a gift certificate to the local Hospital’s Cardiac Ward or at least a lifetime supply of Lipitor. Of the 540 calories in a Big Mac, 270 are from fat. Add to this an order of French Fries (who can eat a MacDonald’s burger without fries?) and you are looking at some serious cholesterol problems.

Not to mention, that being from Wisconsin, Don probably eats a lot of cheese. The only thing that is saving him from a multi-bypass surgery is probably the fact that he, more than likely, also drinks a lot of beer. I have great cholesterol numbers and I attribute this to my consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I don’t believe that Mr. Gorske suffers from an OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) as he has stated. Any food that has that much fat in it must taste good. And, as the sign on my cousin’s (The Admiral) refrigerator sez “If it tastes good, don’t eat it”.

I have been to Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin and unless it has drastically changed in the past 45 years, which I doubt, there is virtually nothing to do in this town except to go fishing on Lake Winnebago, eat cheese, drink beer, dine at the local MacDonalds or hang out at the A&W Root Beer stand.

I rarely eat MacDonald’s food. Not that I don't like the taste; my digestive system just can't handle it. During the past 5 years I have probably eaten 4 Double Cheeseburgers (a real tasty bargain at 99 cents), a Filet of Fish Sandwich and a few orders of French Fries (the greatest fast food fries available). I never liked Big Macs because they were just a shadow image of the Big Boy burger. Our local Big Boy (Tops) just outside of Chicago, in Berwyn, had Car Hops, MacDonalds didn’t.

The Beach Bum

Super Size This

I read today that three Mississippi legislators want to make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese customers in Mississippi.

House Bill No. 282
If this Bill is enacted into law I will not be able to eat in a Mississippi Restaurant. Not that I feel that I am obese, but by Government Height/Weight Standards I am obese. For my height and my build (medium) I should ideally weigh between 164lbs and 178lbs. I currently weigh 191lbs. But for years I weighed between 182 and 185. And that is even over the limit.


I rarely eat at Fast Food Restaurants and haven’t been to an all-you-can-eat buffet in nearly 20 years. When I go out to dine I usually eat a salad, a baked potato and a seafood dish. I stay away from fatty foods, fried foods and beef. Not that I do not like them, but because they cause major distress in my gastro-intestinal system. I occasionally cheat and then I pay for it the next day.

In the past 6 years I have gained somewhere between 6 and 9 pounds. However my waistline has gone from 34 inches to 39 inches. Why? No exercise and the fact that most of my daily caloric intake comes from alcoholic beverages.

What’s next? Is Mississippi going to attempt to pass a law that prevents obese people from drinking in bars and restaurants or from buying alcoholic beverages in stores?

People that are obese are good for the economy. Look at how many jobs would be lost by people working in the Hospitality Industry and Health Care Industry if this law passes. This translates into less tax revenue for the State of Mississippi and more unemployment compensation paid out.


This legislation will never pass.

The Beach Bum

Making Love to the One You Love Best

A German research paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine and Weekly World News said that men staring at women's breasts can in fact prolong their lives with years. "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

Weatherby goes on to say "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." She said that this was as healthy as going to the gym for 30 minutes daily and can prolonged a man's life by five years.

This is great news for thousands of males over the age of 55. Now we have a good excuse for viewing internet porn. We can now tell our wives or girlfriends that we are viewing nubile women with large breasts for health purposes.

Personally, I’m not a fan of large breasts; I’m more interested in viewing other parts of the female anatomy. Long legs and a nice round butt get me more sexually excited and aroused than looking at large breasts. I have never had an erection by just looking at a “D Cup” babe. On the other hand, touching those breasts is an entire different story.

What was not mentioned in the article that I read about this five year study of 200 male subjects is whether they masturbated or had sex after viewing these large breasted women. Sexual arousal is one thing, but without the payoff I don’t see the sense in getting aroused. Having an orgasm always gets my heart pumping and improves my blood circulation.

Well, it’s off to my favorite Porn Site to get my heart pumping. I’m now doing this to prolong my life. Rather than to just get an erection while looking at naked women, and then relieving my pent up sexual frustrations by hand. This action will also keep my prostate healthy.

The Beach Bum

A Week in Hell

A week ago on Saturday, actually it began earlier in the week; I started to feel major discomfort in my lower abdominal area. This happens to me often, so I really didn’t pay too much attention to this ailment. I should have, I didn’t heed the warning signs.

On that Saturday I made 5 trips to the Porcelain Throne. This is somewhat unusual for me, as I usually make one visit per day, sometimes two. At this time the warning signs began to flash into my shallow mind. I was about to have a diverticulitis attack.

I’ve read that 50% of people over the age 60 have diverticulosis. These are small sacs that form on the Colon. Undigested food occasionally gets trapped in these sacs, especially small seeds (Poppy, Sesame and Popping Corn hulls) and red meat. And there they sit, rotting away, until they cause an infection. This infection will cause a cessation of the bowels normal Peristalsis (the rhythmic contraction of smooth muscles to propel contents through the digestive tract).

I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis, so I generally watch my food intake. But I threw caution to the wind when my old Army buddies came down to visit me the week before. I've cheated before and gotten away with doing so.

Last Sunday I made about 20 visits to the Throne Room. After the third or fourth visit it was all diarrhea, and the pain in my lower abdomen had increased 10 fold. Wanting to avoid a trip to the VA Hospital, I therefore took counter measures to avoid a Hospital visit. Yet I still informed my family and friends that I may be shortly incarcerated at the Bay Pines VA Hospital.

Both friends and family suggested that I check in immediately. I decided that I would give it a day or two to see if I could cure myself (one friend said that I was a fool for doctoring myself).

First, I went on a fast. Secondly, the quart of water that I usually drink per day was increased to one and a half gallons. I also doubled my digestive enzyme (Dietary supplement) intake and started to take 4 Brewers Yeast tablets three times a day. I cut my alcohol consumption to two beers a day and reduced my smoking habit by 1/3.

Late Tuesday night I had a bowl of oatmeal. The pain in my abdomen had receded a bit. But I was still visiting the Throne room much more than normal. I was preparing for a 3 to 4 night stay at the VA Hospital, where I would be lying in a bed with three IV's in my arm.

When I awoke Wednesday I felt much better, so I decided to give it another day before I checked in to the hospital. I ate 2 bowls of oatmeal. The diarrhea had ceased and most of the pain subsided (it was down to a dull ache).

On Friday I began to have normal bowel movements and no abdominal distress unless I coughed (only a light tinge).

One week later, yesterday, it was all systems go. No Pain – Real Food – Normal Daily Beer Ration.

I do not suggest the course of action that I have taken to people with diverticulosis; it was out of sheer desperation on my part. I have a fear of Hospitals (actually it’s of dying in a Hospital) so I decided that I would try an alternative solution to my problem and have luckily healed myself.

The Beach Bum

Oral Sex

I have just returned back home from another week plus of dog sitting and I am now sifting through two hundred plus emails. One of these emails caught my eye immediately, so I decided to read it first. The subject was: “Oral Sex Causes Throat Cancer.”

I have now found that I have another health issue to be concerned about. Throat Cancer!

First, I must state that, I have always been a potentially high risk candidate for developing throat cancer because I smoke, drink alcohol and have an acid reflux problem.

An article on NewScientist.com states: “People who have had more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to have throat cancer than those who do not have oral sex”.

The article goes on to say that a new study suggests and the researchers believe this is because oral sex may transmit human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus implicated in the majority of cervical cancers.

This article is ambiguous as to gender, but from what I have read, I believe that the male is more at risk than the female (unless they are Lesbians).

I enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving. I have preformed oral sex with all of the women that I have been with during the past 30 years; this probably puts me over the 750% range of developing throat cancer.

Now, when I think about it, it’s no wonder to me, why I have a raspy voice, have been coughing more than normal and have had a constant mucous build up in my throat during the past 4 years. My Doctors keep telling me that these problems are caused by my incessant cigarette smoking habit. But I now know better. Because of my sexual habits I’m developing throat cancer.

The next time that I visit the VA Hospital I’ll have to ask them to do a Pap smear on my throat.

The Beach Bum