Friday, January 26, 2007

Java Junkie


A molecular scientist in North Carolina has discovered a way to add caffeine to baked goods without the bitter taste of caffeine. He has already contacted Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks about using his product.
I really love caffeine, but unfortunately it doesn’t love me in return. It has given me, among other gastrointestinal problems, a hiatal hernia. I would drink three very strong cups every day for breakfast. At night I’d drink another six to eight cups; the last two or three being laced with Kahlua, Tia Maria or Grand Marnier, not for the flavor but to bring me down from my caffeine high.
I learned about caffeine in the Army, I had never drunk coffee before that time. In fact the Army also taught me about my other favorites; alcohol and nicotine. All three are a major cause of digestive tract disorders and the food in the Army wasn’t that good for you either. One older guy, a lifer, told me that the three major food groups in the Army were Alcohol, Caffeine and Nicotine because they all curb your appetite for mess hall chow.
I also love Donuts. The French Crullers and the Chocolate cake donuts with chocolate icing were always my favorite breakfast. There is nothing tastier than a piece of bleached flour cooked in animal fat and covered with a refined sugar glaze. I can no longer eat these tasty gems. Not because of their high cholesterol, but the other damage that they caused to my digestive tract.
Now here is a dream come true for millions of Americans. The cardiologist will also be happy; as it means more business for them. Imagine drinking a triple Espresso Latte and having two chocolate donuts laced with the equivalent of two cups of coffee worth of caffeine in them.
I wish that this scientist had invented this process 10 years ago, when I could still enjoy his product. I now drink only one cup of instant Decaf coffee and a piece of dry whole wheat toast for breakfast. If I want to go wild, I’ll have a Bran Muffin and a second cup of Decaf. Caveat emptor!

The Beach Bum

14 Comments:

Blogger The Curmudgeon said...

Yes, I heard this one today, too -- but I still drink a couple of pots of coffee a day and consider donuts a basic food group. Sounds like a marriage truly made in Heaven.

Thank you for your comments on the Answers to the Chicago quiz on my blog today. I told you I didn't vouch for all the answers... and I never did get to Riverview. Which is OK because I've never gone to an adventure park more adventurous than Kiddieland.

I did read your profile re: the Green Stamps.

One final observation: With those blood lines, how come you're not a member of the Ruling Class here? Minor things like convictions, especially on theories that are subsequently overruled in the courts are not an impediment to success here....

Fri Jan 26, 09:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Richard Feder - Ft Lee said...

Once upon a time, some government functionary asked me if I did drugs. I responded in the positive. This individual then asked which specific drugs, to which I responded: caffeine, nicotine, and Ibuprofen.

The functionary was not amused.

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