Java Junkie

A molecular scientist in North Carolina has discovered a way to add caffeine to baked goods without the bitter taste of caffeine. He has already contacted Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks about using his product.
I really love caffeine, but unfortunately it doesn’t love me in return. It has given me, among other gastrointestinal problems, a hiatal hernia. I would drink three very strong cups every day for breakfast. At night I’d drink another six to eight cups; the last two or three being laced with Kahlua, Tia Maria or Grand Marnier, not for the flavor but to bring me down from my caffeine high.
I learned about caffeine in the Army, I had never drunk coffee before that time. In fact the Army also taught me about my other favorites; alcohol and nicotine. All three are a major cause of digestive tract disorders and the food in the Army wasn’t that good for you either. One older guy, a lifer, told me that the three major food groups in the Army were Alcohol, Caffeine and Nicotine because they all curb your appetite for mess hall chow.
I also love Donuts. The French Crullers and the Chocolate cake donuts with chocolate icing were always my favorite breakfast. There is nothing tastier than a piece of bleached flour cooked in animal fat and covered with a refined sugar glaze. I can no longer eat these tasty gems. Not because of their high cholesterol, but the other damage that they caused to my digestive tract.
Now here is a dream come true for millions of Americans. The cardiologist will also be happy; as it means more business for them. Imagine drinking a triple Espresso Latte and having two chocolate donuts laced with the equivalent of two cups of coffee worth of caffeine in them.
I wish that this scientist had invented this process 10 years ago, when I could still enjoy his product. I now drink only one cup of instant Decaf coffee and a piece of dry whole wheat toast for breakfast. If I want to go wild, I’ll have a Bran Muffin and a second cup of Decaf. Caveat emptor!

The Beach Bum