Sunday, January 28, 2007

Theories

A neighbor, who noticed that I drink alcoholic beverages (usually in mass quantities) every day, asked me if I was an alcoholic. My reply was no; because “I do not go to meetings”. Alcoholics go to meeting and drunks don’t. When Rick Blaine, in the movie Casablanca, was asked his nationality he replied “I’m a drunkard”. I too am a drunkard.
Why do I drink? Actually, this is a two part question. The first part of the question is “why?” This is a question that philosophers have been posing for more than 2000 years. There is no definitive answer to the question why. The second part of the question is do I drink? The answer is yes.
In veracity, the consummation of alcoholic beverages helps me to think more comprehensibly. It empties my mind of muddled thoughts and allows me to focus more clearly.
This brings us to the Buffalo Theory. In one of my favorite episodes of the television program Cheers; Cliff Clavin explains the theory to Norm Peterson:
"Well ya see, Normie, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
The learned Doctors tell me that I am deluding myself with this notion because I am addicted to alcohol. These are the same guys that prescribe addictive drugs as if they were penny candy. If I must have an addiction, I’ll take alcohol over the other alternatives.


The Beach Bum

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