Christmas Parties - Bah Humbug

Last Friday, the Curmudgeon at the Second Effort Blog wrote a Blog titled:
Avoiding disasters at office Christmas parties. I was planning to leave a comment on his Blog but decided not to do so, because my comment would have been longer than his Blog on the subject.

I try to avoid all Christmas parties for fear that I will make an ass of myself. I have done so in the past. Unfortunately, I could not avoid the office parties. Since the mid 1970’s my office parties were always held in a Restaurant/Night Club; because that was my office.

I will now relate a Christmas party story that should brighten up your day by allowing you to laugh at the foibles of others. It took place in 1978.

My partners and I would close our Restaurant on the third Monday in December for the employee Christmas party. The party would begin at 5PM with hors d’oeuvres and cocktails; a full dinner would be served a 6:30. Management would do all of the cooking and serving. We’d get a bartender from a nearby Bar to serve the drinks. At 8:00 everyone would adjourn to the cocktail lounge and the Band would start playing at 8:30.

Between the band’s first and second set, the Secret Santa gifts were distributed. This year I was chosen to be Santa; in full costume.

The job entailed sitting on the bandstand’s edge, calling out the recipient’s name, handing them the gift, and then making a witty comment about the gift. The band gave me a microphone so I didn’t have to shout; it was a large lounge.

Putting a microphone in my hand is a very dangerous thing to do. I suddenly become a cross between Don Rickles, Lenny Bruce and Rich Little. I always wanted to be a professional comedian.

I’d pick up a gift, call the person to the stage (they would sit on my lap), ask them what they wanted for Christmas, make a witty comment, hand them the gift, they would open the gift and I would make another witty comment. The entire process would take about 3 minutes. With 30 gifts to pass out it took an hour and a half.

After 10 minutes I was parched and asked the next recipient bring me a beer on her way to the stage to receive her gift. After 2 beers (in 15 minutes) my comments became wittier. People were laughing. This spurred me on to make even more witty comments.

About half way through the passing out of gifts, I was now drinking Grand Marnier with my beer. I became very glib as well as witty.

At last I was down to the final 4 gifts. The next gift was for a stunningly gorgeous young cocktail waitress in her early 20’s. I called her to the stage saying “sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” She also was a little toasted at this time.

She came up and sat on my lap and gave me a big kiss (tongue and all). I then said “Wow, and what do you want for Christmas little girl.” She then grabbed my crotch and said “I want this.” I smiled and said “I would love to give it to you.”

I had forgotten that my wife was sitting at a table just 20 feet away. She stormed out of the Restaurant and went home. My partner and his wife also left.

After I gave out the last three gifts, I went to the bar and had a few more drinks and danced with several of the female employees (thank God the cocktail waitress had already passed out). One made the comment that she had always thought that I was a “stuffed shirt”.

This party caused my first trial separation with my wife. We separated two years later.

Did I learn a lesson?; of course not.

In 1981, I was in self exile in Chicago; the woman that I was seeing invited me to her office party. It was at Kelly’s Pub on Chicago’s near north side. I managed to embarrass her with my Christmas party antics. The end of another relationship!

The Beach Bum